After some advice please if anyone is or has been in a similar situation.
Do I go to the family wedding with a dad who doesn’t bother with me or my kids, or do I not?
Long story short I am 36, married 2 kids. My dad has never been a father to me, we established some better relationship in my early adult years, but it’s virtually dried up again. My brother is getting married, my sister in law has asked if my daughter wants to be a bridesmaid, but my dad will be at the wedding and our relationship is non existent so I feel it’ll be awkward (for me/partner also feels this).
As a child he was Non existent for long periods, a year was the longest where he had no phone number but we found he was travelling the world, which cost thousands of pounds to do, meanwhile no child maintenance provided to my mum.
As a child he was emotionally abusive to me, regularly calling me a boy, making me jump when I was asleep, made disparaging comments about my appearance infront of his friends to the point of ridiculing me. I always felt nervous around him and found him quite scary as a child. He Stopped paying my mum any child support completely when I was 12. She gave up chasing and had no mental capacity to pursue anything via court. So he was allowed to drift in and out of my life as a kid whenever it suited him, when he had a new girlfriend (many) and wanted to portray a family man act, or when he had my younger brother and new wife.
He never attended a parents evening, never helped out as I grew older with a driving lesson or help practically or financially with college, or moving to my first house etc like most invested parents would.
Meanwhile he took my younger brother to Disneyworld, went to every parents evening, had him every 2 weeks etc, he had everything I didn’t. My older half brother and sister he’s treated similar to me, my older sister actually doesn’t speak with him at all now and my brother and sister in law are on ok terms with him although my brother says he’s always the one to make contact. They live in the same very small town so run in the same circles (regular drinkers).
As a young adult I wanted/craved a relationship with him and we kind of established something. However contact since then has ALWAYS been if I make it first. He’ll never reach out unless I do and says he doesn’t believe in that because children should check on their parents not the other way around. For example the last time I reached out was over a year ago, I’ve not heard from him since.
I’ve got 2 lovely kids who he’s met and seen, but it’s like once a year, he was invited to stay with us which he has 3 times over the past 8 years, last being 4 years ago. Over the past 8 years he’s probably sent birthday cards 3 times, never sends a Christmas card. We’ve always sent cards at birthday, Father’s Day and Christmas.
He never engages with my Facebook posts or my partners, posts of the kids etc. he literally doesn’t like or comment on anything but then I see pop Ups of him commenting on his nieces posts or mutual friends. He’s always updating his profile picture etc so is actively on there.
The last time we travelled to him was August 2022 and emotionally it was one of the final
Straws….We had planned to visit for a family bbq. I asked him if we could rent the guest room in his apartment block, he said yes he’ll sort it. A week before the visit I text him to ask if he’d managed to rent the room and said I’d settle any costs asap, he said don’t worry the room is all sorted for us.
A day before the travel I had a call from my brother who was a with my dad, he said dad wanted to talk to me. My dad said he hasn’t been able to get the room as the woman who sorts it is on holiday. This is despite telling me via text 5 days before that the room was all sorted. He said we could have his tent and pitch up in my brothers garden for the night with a 6 and 7 year old, or he’d have the tent and we could have his entire flat. Not wanting to sounds judgy but his flat is filthy, me and my partner refused to drink or use the toilet the last time, it’s not for kids. So my sister in law said she’d put us up at hers but she already had guests but she’d squeeze us in. The family were pleading with us to go down as everyone was excited so we travelled down as planned. When we got there my SIL had other guests but said we could sleep on a blow up bed on the kitchen floor. Wasn’t quite what we expected but I appreciated her effort.
The blow up mattress was put down late evening and her Doberman was lying all over it, so when the bbq ended and we went to sleep on dog trodden bedding. My SIL did her best and it wasn’t her fault about the dog, but I lay there on her kitchen floor with my partner and 2 kids and became so emotional. How could I be lying on someone’s kitchen floor because my ‘dad’ and children’s ‘grandad’ couldn’t be bothered to sort the accommodation and actually lied about it? My children deserved better.
Since then I’ve stopped sending Father’s Day cards, which I always struggled with because the wording is never suitable, but I made the effort. I haven’t sent birthday cards either. The first time since childhood I’ve stopped sending any cards at all.
Last year he randomly and for the first
Time in years sent a card to my son for his birthday and a voucher. But when it was my
Daughter’s birthday she had nothing and it wouldn’t have been to postal issue, he blatantly didn’t bother for her birthday. I’m not bothered about gifts or money, a card goes such a long way to show you care!
My older sister has no relationship as he’s treated her very similar. She’s cut him off. Brother and SIL are in contact but have said before they don’t hear from him unless they make contact.
My older sister and SIL don’t like each other and in the past have wound each other up a bit through Facebook posts! I stay out of it.
Brother and SIL are getting married this year. Our relationship isn’t amazingly close, he’s 20 years older than me (half brother) so when I was born he wasn’t around and we lived opposite ends of the country. I didn’t actually see or speak with him for 12 years until we bumped into each other and we got on really well. We built a relationship as adults and when we do see each other we get on well and it’s pleasant. SIL is also a nice lady. Despite that we haven’t seen them since 2022. Seeing each other appears to be mainly dependent on us going to their town.
My dad put a post on Facebook last week,
A picture of him. He’s has often boasted about how many ‘likes’ he gets and how many people love him because of the amount of ‘birthday messages he gets’ on there, which i find completely cringe to be honest. Anyway my SIL wrote a comment on his post saying love You so much the best father in law ever. I just thought what could he possibly bring to your life to make that an accurate comment? I don’t know why but that comment just felt odd, perhaps because I anticipate me being at this wedding with my partner and kids being the outcasts of the family.
my kids don’t really know him, or he them. I’ve tried to keep it together but it’s so one sided.
I feel going to this wedding we’re all going to be like cling ons.
My heads a bit fried.