To ask how you have kept going in a job you hate?

[Pekoe78]

I have taken on a second job in a nursery two days a week and I hate it. I dread going back in all weekend and can’t focus properly on anything. It’s just very corporate, so many rules and procedures, everyone is so intense and serious about everything and I feel constantly on edge and flustered, afraid of putting a foot wrong and like I can’t be myself. I’m permanently in ‘fawn’ mode while I’m there, desperately trying to people please like it’s my only survival skill. They expect me to know and remember a lot despite still being quite new and only in the place a couple of days a week and as someone who takes time to pick things up and who forgets things, I find this hard. I am finding my confidence is disappearing and I’m not a confident person to begin with.

They don’t have enough staff either and I feel like I’m being asked to be hyper vigilant in a place where it’s impossible to be. I go home worrying about everything that’s happened that day, what I got wrong. Any activity suggestions I make are rebuffed and I’m just lectured on how they do things.

I have a lot of family stresses and could have done without having to take on another job but we are in a lot of debt so this is my only option right now.

I’m just asking for advice really, how do I adapt to my situation and stop feeling like this? I need to find a way of either learning to like it or switching off enough not to care what anybody thinks so your experiences of similar situations would really help.

Thank you.

Find another job? As far as I understand it nurseries are desperate for staff. Presumably there are others you can work at.

Is there potential to look for something else?
From experience, when it gets to the point you cry at the thought of going in, and at the end of the day, it’s not going to last much longer. It’s terrible for your mental health to be in that state.
Look after yourself as much as possible - and ensure there are accurate records kept. You don’t want the shit to hit the fan, and you be in the firing line. So, follow up conversations with emails/memos, confirming conversations, etc.
I do hope you can find something else soon, that’s a better fit; and that the debt situation improves for your family.

Sounds awful environment, I would quit.

I’m not sure if I’m the problem though. Presumably everyone else is happy there and maybe I just need to try harder.

I was in a job I hated last year. I hated it to the point I thought about driving my car off the road every day on the way to work. That is NOT a healthy way to be. I spent every available minute applying for different jobs, and thinking about ways to manage my days so that i could minimise the time i spent with the bullies and arseholes i worked with.

Do you have decent outside friends? I spent a lot of time talking to my real friends, and getting their input into the situation.

Childcare is so underated and demanding for the crap pay. I would speak to them and say ur not there much. I think they forget if their full time. They maybe understanding and helpful and give somw suggestions or training. If I was u and worried about things I would write key points down and flick through notes before shift. Set alarms to remind u to do things if needed I.e nappy changes (fridge timers cheap on amazon). When u get home jot worries down or ring them . If its not for u, life is too short, look for something else. In the meantime try and think of positives whether u taught something new or made a child happy.

You have no idea how everyone else feels. They might be just as miserable as you. They're unlikely to say it at work. If you're losing confidence get another job before it's completely wrecked. I think workplaces are like people in relationships. A lot is about compatibility and finding the right fit. Some are just awful.

I find it useful to have a goal in mind. So have an exit strategy to work towards which might be simply staying long enough for a qualification and then job hunt. Also I now tend to think of work as literally just a way to make money. Nothing more or less, don’t think about the job or worry about it especially when not there, you aren’t paid to do so. But this is easy to write and harder to implement, but as it’s your secondary employment I’m guessing you will have lots of other stuff going on to distract you?

"Do the next thing" helped me - just focus on the next task you have to do to get through the day. In the longer term, have an exit strategy.

Do you have 1:1s with a supervisor or manager? I struggled with mine for ages and it was a battle to not hand my notice in at the start of each week. I tried to start conversations about how I was struggling with it and they were dismissed. Then one day I realised I was just going to have to leave if it didn’t change and in my 1:1 made sure they understood how difficult I was finding it (and I actually like the thing that I do- my issues were completely to do with the lack of training, on boarding, listening, support etc which, like you, left me with no confidence etc). I have to say that things have improved vastly since this. I really think I work in a horrid corporate place too - almost like managers and staff are two very different teams- and the managers just see staff as people to send work to- no thoight of them having lives etc . But I guess when you raise all those concerns they have to be seen to try to adddess them…..

so in short being honest (carefully worded…. In struggling with a,b,c…. Do you have any suggestions to solve this? Etc) .

Take it day by day.
Tell myself it's just a job, it doesn't matter.
Think about the money and how it's going to help my family.
Countdown to the next break/holiday.
But ultimately, if it's affecting your mental state you need to find a new job.

Could you resign and at the same time reorganise your debt so that you are paying much smaller amounts. This might buy you some time to look for a nicer job and when your settled in a nicer environment you can always make additional payments to the debt to get it settled quicker.

The problem is, you've actually got 2 problems. The debt and the shitty job. Address one and you'll be able to focus on the other better

I was definitely in a position of hating my job, to the point I’d cry when my alarm went off and I’d feel sick on Friday nights knowing I’d be clock watching on the weekends.

I eventually snapped and spoke with someone who was a manager - but not mine and it became bearable. I did ultimately leave for a better job in the end though

So you either continue as you are, but with less pressure on yourself. You speak with someone senior about how you’re feeling - it’s likely not in their interest to let you go and they have to recruit again. Or find a new job.

I'm probably weird but I've tended to power on through some jobs I've hated and ended up staying for years, getting pretty good at them and not hating them as much once I'd settled in. I tend to have a big wobble with a new job and need to give it time to get past my initial crisis of confidence. Maybe I should have left but there was enough of a carrot for me to stay, e.g. good work/life balance.

To pay my mortgage. Otherwise I would have just walked out .

Ask for or make check lists for things you need to remember and have these accessibly

Start to plan an exit plan .... Then you can feel a bit detached in your head. That's what I am doing, there are a few really toxic people and they are affecting me much less now I am applying for other jobs.

Or just to up the amount you are making and how it will start to improve your finances. Honestly that can motivate me through a lot!

I definitely agree it could be new job wobbles too, it can take quite a long time to make sense of a job/ your colleagues

OP I took on a job this summer which started out great but since Sept my duties changed and I hate it. Same as you - dread going in, have to really psyche myself to go in, worrying about it at night, tearful at home. The only thing keeping me going is it is a temporary contract til the summer. So I have a diary and every day I cross another day off. I have a countdown written on every Monday with “X weeks to go” written on it. I’m taking it one day at a time. And I’m making myself care less. I do what I need to and then I go home and put it out of my mind. And since Christmas I do feel a bit better about it.

I had a job I felt like that about, I hated it. I was excruciatingly stressed and wished I was dead every Sunday night.

It does affect your confidence and your health.

My advice would be to look for another job now. We're just cogs in a machine to employers, if you leave they will find someone else. No job is worth making yourself miserable for, and actively seeking your next job might make your current one more bearable in the meantime.

I hate my current job. There’s little to no training, no one to ask, no mentoring, it’s just me on my own. I’m handing my notice in soon as I just can’t bear it. The effect on my mental health simply isn’t worth it. I could cry at the lovely jobs I’ve had in the past where people were so friendly and helpful, and I just can’t give my mind a break from this at all.

Things that help me - seeing it as just a job, I go, earn money for my living expenses, and that’s it. The job isn’t me, it’s just a tiny temporary thing I have to do at the moment. It’s nothing more than that to me.

I plan nice meals for myself, or house things, I wear something nice, I give myself little treats. And I count down the days.

The poster who said jobs are like people in relationships is right - you sometimes have just got the wrong job for you and there’s no way around that.

And if you’re struggling and you ask for help and they basically just look at you and say ‘aww never mind’ then fuck them. Let them employ someone else.

Thank you so much all of you I’m glad I posted. It’s been real helpful just to get different perspectives on it and the benefit of your experiences. Genuinely, thank you x

For me the solution is always to find another job. Frankly life is too short to stay in a job you hate...

It also helps when you are still in the job you hate but planning to leave to remember that this is just a job, not your reason for living, and that you don't have to 'go the extra mile' or whatever nonsense your employer comes up with or show them any loyalty (because they would not show you any if they decided to make redundancies). Just do your hours and plan your exit strategy.

Detaching from a toxic job feels so good. When I was working my notice period the thought of “it’s not my problem anymore” was so freeing. My toxic manager expected me to go through two years of emails and put them all in a folder for him - no problem. I never did.

Also OP I was working a stressful job where they only paid me £25K and expected me to do things like still be available on my annual leave and check in, refuse to give me training, say they’d got external training and then turned around and said you’re not worth the investment and cancelled it. I asked for feedback on work and was told it was “ok” - that was the entire feedback. Which to them was adequate enough when I queried how does ok help me to improve?

I left and got the same role working for £40K in a job that’s less stressful. It took me a long time to find the confidence to know I was good enough to start applying for anything though.

@allthewayacrosstheroom

Did you just put the emails unopened into a folder ? If so good for you 😂 I would have loved to see his face when he found them unopened 😂