To be very worried about my friend?

[flyingaboveitall]

My friend is a 31 year old single mum to a ten year old girl. She is very intelligent and very busy, completing a masters course and juggling a lot of different balls.

I have seen my friend in both relationships and single and I have to say, she does best when she is alone. She really thrives, and gets her shit done.

My friend has been in a relationship for the past 6 months and it is really taking a toll on her mental health. I rarely hear from her and when I do, her mood is always dependent on how well she perceives the relationship to be doing on that given day.

She has admitted she can't get out of bed and function if she feels he is being off with her or they have had an argument. She tells me her work is slipping (a very professional and important role), she said she feels disconnected from her child because she is so focused on this guy. When things are going good, the other areas of her life also run smoothly.

I honestly don't even think it's the man causing this and my friend has been like this in most of her relationships. It's like they completely consume her.

When she is single, she doesn't experience these ups and downs so is very productive and always quite cheery if not a bit lonely at times.

However, I've noticed a real change lately. She very rarely answers my phone calls, her blinds are always drawn, she rarely texts back, and if she does, it's very brief. It is such a change from the old friend I knew. Other friends have noticed as well.

AIBU to be concerned? And any advice what I can do?

"I honestly don't even think it's the man causing this and my friend has been like this in most of her relationships. It's like they completely consume her."

She sounds extremely insecure. Not unusual, most people are, to varying degrees. I was like this at her age and younger. Psychotherapy would probably help, but you can't play that role. All you can do is suggest it and support and encourage her if she does go for it. Other than that, nothing you can do.

She is very insecure and admits this. She jokes about being a 'psycho' in all of her relationships. She's had some really decent men over the years but it never lasts due to self sabotage.

But I genuinely thinks this pains her and is exhausting for her. She is completely unable to self regulate her emotions and i think she try's so hard to, that it takes up all her mental energy and so she's not left with much at the end.

Like I said, I was like that in my 30s (and before). Painfully insecure with men, self-sabotaging etc. Must be so much worse when also a single mother. The most successful boyfriends I had were ones I wasn't that keen on (them keen, therefore flattering, but me lukewarm so I didn't completely blow it by being clingy). After one particularly terrible episode with a would-be boyfriend that I was literally crazy about, I went to a therapist for a while and it did help, though I think I should have gone for longer. But the thing is, there's nothing you can do yourself to help aside from recommending therapy, you can't be her therapist and unravel what's going on inside her head.

I should add that just before I stopped seeing the therapist, I met the love of my life. First man I'd ever loved yet who didn't make me feel mad and insecure. I remember telling my therapist it felt like 'quiet' love. She said that was a good sign. It lasted 10 years and we parted in the end, but that's another story.