To not address it directly

[TheTraitorsareamongus]

I have 3 DC and I’m generally quite measured in addressing any friendship issues (the boys tend to have falling outs and then make friends by themselves).

i have a friend, A. DS2 has been having trouble with her son, B, at school for a while. B has been taunting DS2, pushing and taking things off him (balls at playtime etc). They’re not really friends so I spoke to the class teacher without telling A. Before I did this, I went through all the defensive tactics with DS2 like avoiding B, role playing standing up for himself etc to no avail.

in my defence, I have no problems with asserting myself but I didn’t speak to A for a few reasons. Firstly, she has 3 DC and genuinely believes each of them has been maliciously accused of bullying. B is the youngest. Secondly, I’ve seen her dismiss other parents who have raised her DCs behaviour. Finally, I don’t trust her not to tell B who could then make DS2’s life harder.

Now A has had a call from the school. Apparently multiple parents have raised concerns about B. She is livid and hurt that no one spoke to her directly. She thinks this means the school parents don’t like her. I feel so unbelievably guilty listening to her vent knowing I was one of the parents.

im sure everyone will ask why I’m friends with A. Our friendship predates the children and she’s a lovely person, just with a huge blind spot for her own DC. I was hoping that by maintaining distance between our sets of DC, the friendship could survive until the children were older. Unfortunately DS2 and B ended up in the same class at school.

Don't say a word that would implicate you.

School are in charge during school time, parent wasn’t even there, so as far as I’m concerned it’s school’s responsibility to deal with bullying on their watch. If A needs to be involved, speak to her son etc then school will involve her, which it sounds like they have. I certainly wouldn’t directly complain to a parent about their child’s behaviour at playtime or whatever, it’s unlikely to be taken well.

I don’t think you or any other parents have done anything wrong or have anything to feel guilty about. Perfectly normal to raise it with the class teacher, if she’s hurt by that and being all melodramatic about it then it’s on her.

Phew thank you, I’ve been feeling like I’ve been spineless and unkind to my friend. Some of the behaviour happens at class parties etc but I wouldn’t have spoken to school just for that. It’s mainly the behaviour during school that was bothering me, as it was starting to affect DS2

OP I think you’ve definitely done the right thing to go via school, please don’t feel guilty about your friend, you’ve done what’s in your DC’s best interests and ultimately that’s your priority. Sadly she’s going to have to face up to her child’s behaviour and it sounds like that might be very uncomfortable for her, but that’s not your fault.

If it makes you feel better, I did raise my friend’s child’s behaviour at school with my friend directly, as I thought that was more sincere than going behind her back and speaking to school. It completely blew up, she got REALLY upset, accused me of all sorts, and minimised the situation because school hadn’t mentioned anything about it (the teacher hadn’t seen so they couldn’t). Your way is much better - you can keep your friendship while also protecting your DC, and maybe she can get some support with her DCs’ behaviour.