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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To support my daughter in an alternative hobby?

27 replies

Fhwwyd · 27/01/2024 17:54

So for background, me and daughters dad separated at the start of last year.
my 9 and a half year old daughter has been signed to play for a good football team and plays around 3 times a week, except for on weeks where there are additional matches, in which case more.
I can clearly see that she doesn’t have the passion for it. She has the natural ability, but not the drive or the willingness to dedicate her all to it. Not being competitive myself, I’m completely okay with it and have suggested pursuing something else if she doesn’t love it, which she was really happy and excited to do. She said football stresses her out. Her dad however feels that she needs to always do more football, that she’s loosing interest because she doesn’t do enough; that for whatever reason in his head, our separation is the reason that she doesn’t do enough football (which is definitely not the case)
I set up a drama taster class for her this week but surprise surprise, a football match has just been announced on the same day. Her dad is adamant that she should play her football match and won’t budge on it.
am I being unreasonable in defending my daughter in wanting to go to her drama class?

OP posts:
ginnybag · 27/01/2024 17:59

She's nine. Of course she shouldn't be getting stressed by hobbies and of course she should also have time to try new things.

I wouldn't let her quit outright immediately but she's already playing 3x week - that's plenty and it's perfectly reasonable for her to want to try other things.

I'd also be pushing back on additional matches at short notice.

LikeWhyThough · 27/01/2024 18:01

Ex is being a nobber. He needs to stop pushing his dreams onto your DD. She's made it clear she doesn't want to continue football.

Acapulco12 · 27/01/2024 18:03

From your post, it’s clear that you’re in favour of your daughter trying out something else (drama class) and her dad wants her to play football. What would your daughter like to do? Would she prefer drama or football, or something else entirely?

Original poster
Fhwwyd · 27/01/2024 18:10

I think she would just like to try something new, not necessarily drama, the reason I set drama up was because her friend goes and she wanted to go with her friend, but her dad is adamant that she is committed to playing football and should therefore prioritise that over everything else and cancel the class I have set up, which I do understand his perspective. But from my perspective as her mum, I can see she’s pushing back on it and I feel like I need to fight her corner, but does that mean I’m in the wrong as he has every right as me to tell her what she should be prioritising 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 27/01/2024 18:13

At 9, she should be telling you and him what she wants to prioritise. It's not up to him. He sounds like a typical Football Dad (same as the Ballet Mums) who want it more than the child wants it.

Riverlee · 27/01/2024 18:13

There times a week for a sport she doesn’t love is excessive. Who takes her to the practices? If you do, can you just stop.

i’m in two minds about the match. Would the team miss her if she doesn’t play? Can you rearrange the drama class?

Riverlee · 27/01/2024 18:14

And no he doesn’t have the right to dictate what’s going on.

Peoplemakemedespair · 27/01/2024 18:17

Hobbies are meant to be fun. If shes like the majority of children I know, she’d prefer not to have to go to school. So now on top and school and homework she has to do, she also has to spend her spare time being forced to do more things she doesn’t want to do

Previousreligion · 27/01/2024 18:22

If she's currently committed to the team and they need her to play I think she needs to be with the team.

But ultimately I think she should quit or play with a team with less commitment if she wants to try other things. Her choice.

Neriah · 27/01/2024 18:26

She is old enough to make her own choices. My dad ( and I'm 66 now) thought Judo wasn't suitable for girls, but suitable for him and my younger brother. It's a long story, but at age 9 I got to choose myself. I represented the UK. 4th Dan. And my other love was drama. Let her choose. It's not about him. Or you. It's about her.

spidermonkeys · 27/01/2024 18:27

What's the contact schedule like?

If you have set days, I just wouldn't take her on your days if she doesn't want to go.

Don't arrange any activities for his contact time and he doesn't arrange anything for yours.

Let DD try a range of activities and see what she likes.

ScrawlyEmbroidery · 27/01/2024 18:33

3+ training sessions a week is madness for a 9 year old. How has she got time for other things and relaxing?

Mumtime2 · 27/01/2024 18:37

Let your daughter tell you both.
She has to play, be involved, which is a lot 3 times a week, and get real unless she wants to be a super star player.
The parents who want to live through their children types of course won't budge.
At least she gave it a go, and that's nothing to be pressured into pleasing daddy, the team, or all the competitive bs.

forrestgreen · 27/01/2024 18:39

I guess it depends which days the contact days and football days are on.

If it's your time and she doesn't want to go, then I'd message the coach and say she doesn't want to go on x days any more.

If dad still wants her to go on his days and she doesn't want to challenge him then she'll have to go until she will.

Mariposistaaa · 27/01/2024 18:49

Did he want a son by any chance and he is obsessed with football? (Not that I think girls can’t play - the Lionesses are actually better than the men’s side haha). Would he be so anal if she was playing netball?

He is being a twat. She’s 9, she isn’t ‘committed’ to anything. She should be trying a wide range of activities and deciding what she likes best.

girlfriend44 · 27/01/2024 18:53

How odd YABU for calling it an alternative hobby.

Football is for girls too.
Where have you been hiding?😂

SheSaidHummingbird · 27/01/2024 18:59

girlfriend44 · 27/01/2024 18:53

How odd YABU for calling it an alternative hobby.

Football is for girls too.
Where have you been hiding?😂

You completely misunderstood the post, but good for you for trying to make OP look foolish. You scored an own goal there, pun definitely intended.

Stripyunicorn · 27/01/2024 19:00

girlfriend44 · 27/01/2024 18:53

How odd YABU for calling it an alternative hobby.

Football is for girls too.
Where have you been hiding?😂

I presume she means an alternative hobby as in a different hobby rather than football being alternative 🤨

PuttingDownRoots · 27/01/2024 19:01

It may well be that taking a step back on the football might help her find her drive for it again. Sometimes too much kills the passion.

Ghentsummer · 27/01/2024 19:29

I voted yabu because presumably you signed her up to this team knowing the commitment required and therefore she should attend as agreed. Your daughter needs to decide whether she wants to quit football altogether, find a less demanding team or stay where she is and commit to their schedule. You and your ex should both support her decision.

Hobbies shouldn't be stressful, they should add to our lives.

WhatToDoAboutTheNosys · 27/01/2024 19:34

It's a shame for natural talent to be "wasted", but if she doesn't enjoy it and wants to quit that's what she should be supported to do.

I was very sporty as a kid and got to a high level. Sometimes I couldn't be bothered and asked my mum to miss training. Her answer would be "do you want to quit?", I would always say no, so I had to go. If I says yes I want to quit then she should. However if she does still want to play overall then she shouldn't miss the game and let her team down

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 27/01/2024 19:38

In my view hobbies are meant to be fun, enjoyable, relaxing and stress free.
In my world stress belongs in activities and undertakings you have to do eg school, work, paying bills.
If you start to find hobbies stressful or no longer fun they are no longer hobbies. Yes support your daughter to find a hobby she actually wants to do, being good at it doesn’t matter, wanting to do it does matter.

Throwawayme · 27/01/2024 19:41

No, you're not unreasonable. My parents never made me carry on any hobby I wasn't into. I found the one for me eventually but I used to feel so bad for my friends whose parents forced them to continue with something they hated. Hobbies are supposed to be fun.

RatatouillePie · 27/01/2024 19:44

I see where her dad is coming from.

A friend of mine is a very talented flute/piano player but I remember her hating lessons when she was younger. She was always sooo good despite putting in minimum practice. As a teenager she then realised she actually enjoyed playing so was grateful her parents made her keep going.

I'd say compromise. If she's got a natural talent then do the 3x training and 1 match a week then that leaves enough time for something else too.

ChaosAndCrumbs · 27/01/2024 20:15

It’s a difficult one. I think your dd’s dad has a point. The reality is that a lot of children drop out of clubs quite easily, but never really replace them. If she swaps, what physical activity is she replacing it with? What happens if she loses interest in that too?

Bit different in our family due to ND, but I’ve been quite strict about not giving up clubs*. I’ve negotiated and lowered demands, but insisted it was kept up. I could see the path we were going down and the nightmare we’d have trying to replace that activity long term with something else. He got past the stress about it in the end, is back to enjoying it and is making some great friends there. I think if it’s possible, add drama in on top. If she then loves it and wants to continue she can. I do understand what he’s trying to teach in committing to something and keeping commitments. On the clash, it’s a tricky one, can the drama session be rearranged?

*club was ds’ idea and choice, but he went through a stage where he felt demotivated and found a particular part tricky, so there were lots of meltdowns around going