To tell work I’m pregnant before MIL

[sunnyfleur]

I have probably seen MIL less than 15 times in the 5 years of being with DH.

She lives overseas and maybe returns to the UK twice a year if that. She hasn’t been great for much of DHs life and he is a lot closer to his aunt who may as well be his mum - she did the bulk of raising him.

I’m pregnant with our first baby. My parents, DHs aunt and my best friend are the only people who currently know. It is very early.
I want to tell work fairly soon as I am in a very small team and we all get on well. I figured that way if I get morning sickness or need to attend the midwife appointment I can be totally honest with my line manager. I wouldn’t mind telling any of them if anything bad were to happen, in fact I would welcome the support from these people.

The original plan was to not tell anyone else until around the 12 week mark but DH is now wondering if his mum has a right to know, despite neither of us really wanting to tell her so quickly. We don’t know how she will react.

Would it be morally wrong to tell people who aren’t related to us about my pregnancy before we tell MIL or is it totally fine to pick and choose in this way?

Work may need to know for medical reasons. Nothing has really changed since he agreed that she would be told at 12 weeks. If anything she may understand they knkw before her for that reason but not understand why aunt did. The real question is do you (and he) care if she did find out? If not then no need to tell her.

I told my boss and HR the days after I found out as is required in my job. This was about 4 weeks. I told a few co workers in the following month as required.
We toldy partners family at 13 weeks and my family at nearly 17 weeks!

I told my manager before anyone else (except DH). I have previously had an ectopic and needed time off for early scans to make sure it wasn't another ectopic. I also had bad morning sickness and needed to WFH.

We told parents, siblings and grandparents at 12 weeks, once we'd had our scan.

I know several people who have jobs where they need to declare immediately, e.g. because they work with radiation or with chemicals in a lab. They all told work at 4 weeks when they got their BFP and told family later on.

why would MIL, in another country, know what/when you have disclosed with your employer?

You're adults, you don't see her often - why so concerned about "how she would react?" - if you've been married for five years, starting a family isn't likely to be that much of a surprise?

Who you tell and when is entirely up to you and your partner op there aren't any rules you do what's right for you 😄

It's not morally anything. You choose who needs to know / who you want to know whenever you like. Work should probably know in case there are medical issues that arise.

How would your mil know if you tell work before her?

"Right to know" is a line from soap operas, I dont think I've ever heard anyone in real life say it, its not a thing, tell who you need to when you need/want to

Congratulations

Why on earth would it be 'morally wrong'? You are massively overthinking this. Tbh I think it's pretty unusual to tell so many people before 12 weeks, no judgement, just a fact.

@ThinWomansBrain agree, but I think they've been together 5 years, not married that long

Just tell who you want when you want. It doesn't need to be a drama. Never heard of anyone talk about rules or morals around this.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Look, noone has a "right" to know anything about your pregnancy. You choose to tell them. You have a much closer relationship with your employer than with your MIL, and you need to tell them to be protected throughout your pregnancy.

How would anyone have any idea in what order you'd chosen to share your news? You don't have to share every tiny detail.

I told my boss before we told any family with both pregnancies. I wanted my paid time off for appointments and for my tiredness to be understood for what it was.

My boss at work was the second person I told I was pregnant (my husband was first)!

I hadn't planned to tell anyone else until 13 weeks but I started bleeding at 8 weeks and I told my boss because I took some time off work. We told no-one else until 13 weeks.

I agree that no one has a right to know but I do think it is unkind to tell your parents, your best friend and your husband's aunt, but not his mother.

I literally told my manager before I even told my partner. I wasn’t planning on it, it just happened that way and I didn’t feel I needed to inform any of my family in which order people were told. “Morally wrong”? How?

I told my work before lots of other people because I needed a risk assessment from a safety point of view. It didn’t occur to me that others should know first. Also second time I was in a small team and people guessed as when you spend all day with people they do work it out

The issue here isn’t telling work, that is a necessity. I think it’s potentially hurtful that you have told your friend and the aunt before your MiL; maybe an
opportunity to build some bridges by including her.

It’s not ‘lots of other people’ though, it’s the child’s grandparent.

My boss was first person to know, weeks before either set of parents! Some aspects of my work couldn't be done pregnant and they covered for me themselves so help me hide it from everyone else for longer!

Who cares, she won't know?

its fine as not like they will tell her. She won’t know, so do what suits you both