To think hot and cold behaviour could drive a person mad?

[rockandcold]

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 months. But since we met he is extremely hot and cold.

He's not very affectionate, I think that's just his personality though. He is extremely stoic and does not share his feelings easily. This leaves me feeling confused and unsure where I stand a lot of the time.

However, I'm really struggling with his hot and cold behaviour. One day he will be extremely hot, can't wait to see me, taking me out and treating me, joking and laughing with me, complimenting me, chatting about the future.

Then the next 2-3 days he will be very dry with me (over text - always fine in person), he will take hours to respond and won't really engage in the conversation even though he is online.

We are exclusive and he promises there is no one else in the picture. He's also friends with a family member of mine so definitely no girlfriend/wife.

During a cold spell I will then start to pull back, which is when he starts to heat up again. It's extremely exhausting but I really have feelings for him so finding it difficult to walk away.

Whenever I bring it up to him he says he doesn't understand and can I give him examples, he's busy etc. So then I feel a bit crazy and like it's in my head. He tells me to 'chill out' and 'relax'.

Sometimes our chats are so fun and then other days they are so strained and formal (this morning for example). I've actually taken to having to move our chat in to a locked folder on WhatsApp that I only check at certain intervals of the day as I'm so disappointed when I don't hear from him.

Here's our chat from this morning - so formal and strained -

Him - Morning 😁

Me - Morning, how’s things?

Him - All good needed that sleep. How was ur night?

Me - It was fine, I just watched griselda and had a few wines. Just heading out with dogs

Me - are you going a hill walk?

Him - Nah far too windy for it this weekend

Me - Yeah wouldn’t want you to get blown away would we

That was four hours ago and no response but he's been online. I just feel sick to my stomach when it goes like this but I can't bring it up again as it will just push him away further.

AIBU to think this chat was off? Is it all in my head?

You said he's fine in person, but you think there's an issue with his texting. Having read the exchange, I think this is a You problem. I can't see anything wrong with what he's written. You have different styles of communication. You can dump him for that if you want, but don't make out he's doing anything wrong. He's not, he's just different to you

Why some days is he very talkative and complimenting me, sending me voice notes and funny pictures, telling me he can't wait to see me and other days he barely speaks?

I was in a relationship with someone who I didn't realise had an avoidant attachment disorder for a year and a half. I adored him and the highs were incredible but the lows were awful and I lost all sense of normality. Thankfully I got to the sense of feeling like I wanted off the merry go round and back on to solid ground and I knew ending it was the only way to do that. It already did a lot of damage, but nowhere near as much as marrying him and having his kids would have. I'd never do it again (a relationship with an avoidant).

Bloody hell op you sound exhausting. He could be working, seeing family, have friends staying, gone shopping, at the gym - all the things he presumably would have done before he met you. Not being in contact for few hours really isn't blowing hot & cold. You are 4 months in - I would expect you to be having fun dating seeing each other once, maybe twice a week if you're close by, the odd flirty text in between certainly not this level of intensity (or scrutiny). I honestly think you need to assess you own responses rather than his behaviour as your example conversation sounds perfectly normal.

This is meant in the kindest possible way, OP, but really, neediness, at any point in a relationship, is deeply off-putting. In the early days of our relationship, it wasn't uncommon for either of us to be either working away, or holidaying solo, so we wouldn't be in contact at all for a week or more. I'd be careful not to push him away with your intenseness - it shouldn't be this hard at the beginning of a relationship.

Because he's got things on, he's busy, he's working? Don't you do those things too? It's normal OP. You're being too OTT, you really are.

What have you got going on in your life at the moment?

I don't know op. I agree with those saying that conversation sounds fine so my initial response is that you're being ott. BUT you might be picking up on a real but subtle pattern of behaviour that is hard to convey here by demonstrating just one interaction. I also leave friends messages hanging sometimes, and don't mind a bit when it happens to me. But in messages back and forth with my DH, especially in the early months, that doesn't happen much because that's the person you are thinking about the most. It does sometimes, because life gets busy, but not enough to be a pattern. Now you may just have different communication styles, but you should be able to tell over time if that's the case.

I would keep an eye without obsessing, but remember that ultimately your gut is there for a reason. Don't follow it blindly but do listen to it carefully as it sometimes spots things that we can't put into words.

Well I was right to trust my gut that something was off today. I asked him and he brought up something that I did a few days ago that has been playing on his mind. It was clearly crossed wires and he apologised but admitted that's why he had been off with me today. I could just tell he wasn't being right with me.

4 months. Only 16 weeks? Nah. Chuck this one back in the pond. You can do so much better. It shouldn't be hard work this early on.

What did you do?

I don’t see the issue really, there wasn’t really anything to reply to? you could have messaged again to get conversation going again?

I am a big over thinker and often do the same with my new DP, last night he vanished mid conversation which pissed me off a little but it happens and I probably do it to him too. I think I’m probably a bit needy at times and so is he, other times we go all day without hardly talking. I think you need to relax a little and find other things to do rather than waiting for him to message you?

He's out living life. Would you really want someone who was on at you 24/7?

Literally everyone I’ve casually dated have said I blow hot and cold… some I had massive crushes on and others I didn’t , I don’t think it had to be a sign he isn’t at all interested, maybe just that you’re not very compatible…

Well good to know you were genuinely perceiving something that was there. What sort of thing? Did it warrant him pulling back to think about it or does this make things worse because he didn't mention it and left you wondering what was happening?