Really missing friend tonight

[CherryShirt]

I’ve used one of my “spare” usernames and am keeping things vague because, even now, I’m worried I might accidentally identify, and as such hurt, my friend.

We met 15 years ago and became very close. I got on really well with her husband as well. A few years ago now, she made a stupid mistake. It cost her a lot. I was, in many ways, her main confidant during that time. She knew I thought she was making a mistake, but I always stood by her.

After a long time, she came out of this mess on the other side and tried to put it behind her. But somehow, even though I thought out friendship would strengthen now it was over, it’s drifted. Drifted badly. For months, I made all the contact. Then she cancelled more than one meet-up. If I got in touch, she’d reply, but would never initiate anything, and the gap between responses widened and widened.

All I can think is that she associates me with that bad time in her life. I understand that she wants to put it behind her, but I feel like I’ve suffered because I “know too much”. We’ve never exactly fallen out, and we’re still connected on social media, but in my heart I know I’ll probably never see her again. And that bloody hurts. I feel punished for her mistakes. I both resent her and miss her like mad.

I don’t really know why I’m posting this. I think I just need to let it out, because I can’t, or won’t, talk about it in real life, because I’m still too loyal to her to tell anyone what happened. I think I just need to let it out.

Can you try sending her a message telling her you miss her?

I ask because I thought one of my friends had turned her back on me after I went through a hard time and she snubbed me.

IDK what went on with her, maybe she was going through her own shit at the time, but when I lost my DH she stepped up and tried to help me. The "rift" was in my mind.

Sadly, it stuck in my mind, and even though she did her best to re-establish contact after DH passed away I just didn't have the will or the energy.

If I'd reached out to her earlier I can't help but think things might have been different.

It sounds like you are missing the old friendship you had with your friend, the one you had before your friend made the bad mistake. You would never be able to get the friendship back to how it was before so I would just let the friendship go.

I’ve put it in messages before, but I’ve deliberately kept it casual - a kind of “Miss you 😘” that you’d add to a message if you hadn’t seen a friend in a while. Maybe I need to be more direct. I think I’m scared of saying it outright, because if she doesn’t respond (or doesn’t respond in the way I’d like), even the possibility is gone, if that makes sense.

Sometimes friendships run their course. It hurts and whilst you might leave the door open you can’t keep chasing.

I think if a similar situation and the effort I put into a friendship where it wasn’t equal or balanced- in the end I left it. I grieved it, can now think of the happier times but also recognise that I and they have moved forward in life and it’s a new chapter

I am sorry I am sure that’s not what you want to hear - if you leave the door open she may come back to you. However it’s not certain.
Sorry but I think sometimes we try too hard - perhaps the message needs to be less ‘I miss you’ and more normal celebrating your life / general catch up
Less pressure but also know she may well have moved forward

FWIW, this is something I recognise with more than one person

They have a hard time, you help them out, they come out the other side and don't want to be friends anymore.

I have found myself wondering if it's a selfish thing - they don't want to stick around in case you need help because they wouldn't offer the same.

Or, as you say, they make the association in their head with you + bad time, and want to leave you behind because of it.

I'm sorry, I know it sucks.

I could have written your post. I had the same with a friend of 12 years. I supported her through a really tough time with her DH ( who behaved atrociously) Never judged, never gossiped with anyone about it, just listened and supported.

She got back together with him, moved her children to a new school and made some new mum friends there. I was dropped like a hot brick, despite her telling everyone what a true friend I was.

I clearly knew too much. I was and still am hurt by what happened and this was quite some years ago now.

It painful when people who you thought were friends let you down, especially when you haven't actually done anything wrong.

I think perhaps you need to let it go, hard as this might be.

I think you should speak to her about it, point out what she has withdrawn after you supported her and you think it may be because of everything that happened and that makes you sad. She may have done it subconsciously and not even realised the reason herself.