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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My girlfriend is an alcoholic

44 replies

grishelda · 26/01/2024 23:12

Been with my girlfriend a year. It's long distance.

I have been dealing with these kind of texts on a daily basis. Each morning, she apologises and we make up. Tonight I have received -

Gf - It’s becoming quite clear you’re just not in to me anymore

Gf - So just tell me so I can move on

Gf - I’m not having anymore discussions about it. Just be upfront

Gf - I’m so sick of trying to figure out your thoughts etc

Gf - I want you to just fucking tell me, that’s it. I’ll leave you alone

Gf - Do you know what I don’t even care anymore. I actually feel more lonely recently than what I did when I was alone.

If we have issues then I want to speak about it, this silent treatment and then gaslighting afterwards, I’m severely not into it.

You say you are soooo tired etc. Too tired to speak to me, but you were quite able to speak to others online on facebook. Talking shit, I’m done with it. I can’t be fucked anymore. Hopefully you find a girl that will put up with it and enjoy the game playing.

We are three months in. You should be excited and happy, but you’re not and neither am I. Every single day I have been worrying and thinking you weren’t interested. I don’t want to deal with it anymore. Good luck

I genuinely do not know how to deal with it anymore. I have reassured and I have reassured. I do not know what she want anymore other than 24 hour reassurance.

OP posts:
hoarahloux · 27/01/2024 22:29

Relationships should not be like this. You're both adults. If there's a problem, you should be able to talk about it. Not this weird one sided ranting one night and then "oh I'm sorry forget it" the next day.

This isn't a healthy relationship. Get rid. You'll feel so free. Good luck.

AngelinaFibres · 27/01/2024 22:31

She will always love booze far more than she ever loves you.

orangegato · 27/01/2024 22:33

She sounds a fucking nightmare why are you doing it? Run, don’t walk. She’s nuts.

Calendarspeaking · 27/01/2024 22:34

Tell her you love her but she needs to get help if there is to be any future for your relationship. I used to behave like she does so I can empathise with her but it must be hell for you too.

HalloumiGeller · 27/01/2024 22:35

It's only been a year, so I'd cut your losses and walk away from this relationship now.

She is gaslighting you and using manipulation on you aswell, this is not healthy and sets the tone going forwards. Do yourself a favour and leave her to it.

Calendarspeaking · 27/01/2024 22:36

HalloumiGeller · 27/01/2024 22:35

It's only been a year, so I'd cut your losses and walk away from this relationship now.

She is gaslighting you and using manipulation on you aswell, this is not healthy and sets the tone going forwards. Do yourself a favour and leave her to it.

I don’t agree that she is gaslighting, I think she is suffering herself too

HalloumiGeller · 27/01/2024 22:49

Calendarspeaking · 27/01/2024 22:36

I don’t agree that she is gaslighting, I think she is suffering herself too

Show quote history

So? I wouldn't make it my problem by putting up with shitty texts every night, ain't worth it.

Calendarspeaking · 27/01/2024 22:56

HalloumiGeller · 27/01/2024 22:49

So? I wouldn't make it my problem by putting up with shitty texts every night, ain't worth it.

Show quote history

He loves her so he wants to help her

Boyce · 27/01/2024 23:04

I wouldn't try to "diagnose" her, but she may be suffering a psychological or mental health problem and be self medicating with alcohol.
What I can tell you is about what I've learnt from caring for, and knowing personally, people with alcoholism.
Apart from the awful physical effects, the people I have known have led chaotic lives, which have hugely impacted their families. I've never seen successful rehab. Yes some people do succeed.
But do you want to keep propping up this woman who has only been around (and treated you like dirt) for 3 months in the hope that she will sort herself out?
This isn't love. Please put yourself first and walk away.

InSpainTheRain · 27/01/2024 23:11

Run. It will get worse not better. Sorry OP but you need to face the facts.

2Noope · 27/01/2024 23:19

She might have abandonment issues. I know other people suspect gaslighting, but it might not be that, she might be genuinely frightened she’s losing you. I’ve acted similarly although not the alcohol. this was years ago and I’ve worked through it but for a time i couldn’t bear to be left alone by my (still with me) partner. If i had not worked through it I doubt he’d be here now, but now I am more than happy for him to go away for weeks at a time, where I could not have coped in the past.

Calendarspeaking · 27/01/2024 23:24

2Noope · 27/01/2024 23:19

She might have abandonment issues. I know other people suspect gaslighting, but it might not be that, she might be genuinely frightened she’s losing you. I’ve acted similarly although not the alcohol. this was years ago and I’ve worked through it but for a time i couldn’t bear to be left alone by my (still with me) partner. If i had not worked through it I doubt he’d be here now, but now I am more than happy for him to go away for weeks at a time, where I could not have coped in the past.

I agree with this. At least give her the chance to get help OP

2Noope · 27/01/2024 23:32

I know alcoholism is a thorny subject, but can people please not dehumanise alcoholics. They are not all the same, they are all individual human beings.

2Noope · 27/01/2024 23:40

Boyce · 27/01/2024 23:04

I wouldn't try to "diagnose" her, but she may be suffering a psychological or mental health problem and be self medicating with alcohol.
What I can tell you is about what I've learnt from caring for, and knowing personally, people with alcoholism.
Apart from the awful physical effects, the people I have known have led chaotic lives, which have hugely impacted their families. I've never seen successful rehab. Yes some people do succeed.
But do you want to keep propping up this woman who has only been around (and treated you like dirt) for 3 months in the hope that she will sort herself out?
This isn't love. Please put yourself first and walk away.

It’s been a year and the 3 months is the long distance element. There’s a chance she hasn’t coped well with long distance. Yes, there is also a chance she’s a wrong ‘un, but he’ll be the judge of that.

Copperoliverbear · 27/01/2024 23:59

Run for the hills

Boyce · 28/01/2024 00:19

@2Noope, sorry I misunderstood the time of the relationship.
If OP wants to try and make a go of things hopefully she will too.

afkonholidaynearleek · 28/01/2024 01:06

That would be a "goodbye!" from me

Celia24 · 28/01/2024 01:31

I had an alcoholic parent that used to text erratically like this some evenings. Was always a sign they were on the sauce.

Doesn't matter here OP. You can't help her and the relationship is triggering her. Let her go and wish her well.

Aria2023 · 28/01/2024 02:01

Look / read up on attachment styles. She's seems to have an anxious attachment. It's not really 'fixable' unless she recognises it and works on herself.

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