To ask if you love hosting and why?

[letsbepositive2024]

I get so nervous hosting and so that makes my guests nervous and puts me off going it again. It's a skill I admire in others. I'm a brilliant guest though!

Can I ask those who do host, what is it you like about it and your secret to success?

Both DH and I like hosting. I think key is not minding too much what guests think of your home - I don’t get anxious about stuff like that. If it’s clean and tidy ish that’s good enough for me! Second is planning - have you got the drinks in you need, and get something nice in for those not drinking. Same with food, it’s not the time to try a new recipe!

Do and I love having guests. We always have a bit of a planning meeting first so we know what each one of us is doing. That's crucial IMHO.

I like hosting people I genuinely like. My friends and family are not judgy and if something got burned or we ran out of something it’d just be laughed off so no need to get stressed. We are not overly formal either.
I couldn’t be doing with performance dinner parties.

I usually cook dinners, but if we are hosting then DH makes the food - I get too nervous that guests won’t like it!
I get quite a bit flustered about the house being clean. Not necessarily super tidy, but I like the bathroom and kitchen to be very clean so guests don’t feel like they’re in a dirty place. I know I’ve never looked that closely when at other people’s houses so I don’t know why people coming here would be inspecting the taps 🤷🏻‍♀️

I like hosting. Make sure you have drinks and nibbles, bit of background music (I just stick the radio on!) and remember to enjoy yourself!! To be fair I only tend to really host friends though so I know that they are not judging my house and my kids. I don't do a formal dinner party type thing either. If it is a dinner thing it tends to be a lasagne, shepherds pie or a takeaway job!!

I can't do it any more, but used to love hosting and I miss it.

I like people. Honestly, even people I don't like have something going for them - enough for one evening, anyway.

I like making people feel happy.

I love it when people I've brought together are interacting enjoyably.

It doesn't always work well - but I also love food and drink, so I have a good time anyway!

I don't give a stuff about what they "might think" of me, the venue, my crockery, etc, or whether the food's ready on time.

If you're a brilliant guest, surely you must be a great host!

I love hosting and genuinely enjoy the prep and whole evening. Remind yourself that these are presumably friends coming over who you want to spend time with & vica versa. As I've got older I definitely give far less fucks about other people's opinions which helps but honestly, no-one is trying to trip you up or catch you out as a sloven/bad cook.

In terms of practical suggestions: give the house a clean/tidy the day before & make a start on any food prep if possible. On the day, get yourself ready in plenty of time then pour yourself a drink, stick some music on, light a few candles, lay tables & finish any food prep. In terms of food, keep it simple with 99% of prep done before guests arrive. Things like little chocolate pots in tea cups for pudding - literally just get from the fridge and serve. Or we sometimes forgo pudding altogether and have cheese board with fruits plus bowls of chocolates for people with a sweet tooth which means we continue sitting chatting and grazing.

I wouldn't say I absolutely love it but nor is it an ordeal and there's many aspects I do like, and I've certainly learnt to enjoy it more over the years (am quite introverted and used to get a bit stressed so I get where you are coming from). Off the top of my head:

-The kick up the arse it gives me (and more importantly DH who can be a bit lax when it's just us) to really get the house looking its best, it's never filthy or anything but it's amazing how when you're really motivated a 30 min dash around can deal with those little piles of stuff or slightly grubby corners you've been putting off. DH's family are very much of the 'dropping by' persuasion so I sometimes don't get much notice they're coming which used to slightly stress me but now I actually quite enjoy the 20 min sprint cleaning.

-The chance to spend time with people I love - we don't really host other than for close friends and family, I can see that if it's more of an obligation it would be more like work or a chore. We like to play board games and quizzes etc with both families which I get is not for everyone but to me is really fun.

-I really like cooking but it's only me and DH at home now and we're both trying to eat healthily so a lot of the best recipes and treats are saved for when we have guests - the food prep can get a little hectic especially if it's a lot of people or we haven't had much notice but I overall enjoy the process and certainly eating the results!

-DH's family in particular are very generous with their 'host gifts' (they're not from the UK originally and gifts are a big part of their culture which they've based on to the second and third generations) - we get lots of lovely flowers, bottles of wines, boxes of chocolates or biscuits every time we host, far more than can be used up that day so we get to enjoy for days afterwards.

-The moment when they all leave and you can relax, undo the top button of your jeans/take your bra off and flop down for some alone time! As an introvert I of course have that feeling of relief when leaving any kind of social event too but unlike when you're at someone else's house or at a pub or restaurant you don't have to get yourself home after. Means no need for designated driver either (not that we'd be getting trollied either way but can have a couple of drinks without worry).

I love hosting people for dinner - though only do it two or three times a year, because it takes so much effort (I know it doesn't have to, but going all-out is the part I enjoy). I usually do an Indian-themed spread, with at least two meat curries and a few veggie sides/mains, plus breads etc., - or else we'll have a fondue night, which is less effort but equally messy, or some other themed meal - Mexican, Chinese, French etc. :)

More often, we have people round for Sunday roast - but that's easy, and I'd be cooking it anyway.

I always make sure the 'public' areas - that sounds posh, but it's a tiny house, I mean the kitchen/bathroom/living room really - are as clean and inviting as I can make them, always have a selection of non-alcoholic drinks as well as good wine and decent spirits, and have quiet music playing in the background.

We just enjoy seeing our friends and enjoying good food and conversation - plus sometimes they invite us back in return, and that's always a pleasure. It also gives me a kick up the backside to tackle some cleaning tasks I tend to let slip!

I’m a natural host I think. I enjoy it and I have that role in the group where people just expect to come to ours.

I tend to do the food and and DH covers drink and snacks. When we come over I make sure everyone is fed, DH makes sure everyone is watered. Together we put on our best double act.

I do have friends who are poor hosts however and it’s hard to put your finger on exactly why

I like hosting but only really host my friends so it’s not particularly anxiety inducing. I can cook a bit but never do it unless I’m hosting, so I enjoy the novelty.

I usually pick a menu which is relatively foolproof and doesn’t involve a lot of active kitchen time: something like osso bucco or oxtail which can be casseroled, or lamb which can be slow roasted, and starter and sides which can be pre-prepared or cooked alongside. That takes a lot of the pressure off. And the reality is that if it all goes pear shaped (though it never has) then we can have a laugh and order a takeaway, it’s not the end of the world. Also, ask your guests to pitch in by bringing dessert and nibbles, giving you one less thing to worry about.

Buy a nice tablecloth and / or placemats and coasters to make the table look inviting and don’t give yourself conniptions over things like intricate place settings or other faff: these people are meant to be your friends coming to enjoy primarily your company and a decent dinner, if they’re sneering at your fish knives they ain’t your friends.

Secrets to success, well it depends which parts you find stressful and who it is you're hosting and also how you define success, but in general I'd say the things that have worked for me are:

1. Get into a good enough cleaning routine that your whole household participates in, so that the house is always in a close enough state to readiness, and a 20 -30 min dash around will get it 'visitor ready', whatever that means for you. It's miserable having to spend hours and hours scrubbing and if you're like me means you resent the visitors before they've even arrived
2. Make food the focus, I don't really like having people over and not serving them something even if that's tea and cake - this doesn't have to mean cooking if you don't enjoy that or it will stress you out, pre-prepared/cold/ready made/shop bought stuff is fine (or my MIL shamelessly orders takeaway and dishes it up in her own servewear as though she's just casually made curry for 20 (yet somehow the kitchen is sparkling and she doesn't have a hair out of place . The whole family is in 'the know' but we don't mind, it's delicious after all! ). The real key is not to serve michelin star gourmet fare but to feed people generously on things you know they'll like (nothing worse as a guest than being under fed) including catering graciously for dietary requirements however annoying or unreasonable (my sister and her DH announced they were vegan now 1 hour before a big family dinner which was quite irritating!)
3. This is not particularly PC but if you are drinkers I do find having a generous (not excessive) alcohol allowance also does make a party 'go' - I know it shouldn't be necessary and indeed most of DH's family are teetotal and don't need anything more than the other people's presence to have a good time but as above, they are from a very different culture and are naturally much more sociable and extroverted. But any time I've tried to gather a party of english folk together the shyness and general social awkwardness does tend to need just a little bit of wine to make everyone loosen up a bit (obviously I don't pour booze down the throats of children, drivers or those operating heavy machinery before I get flamed, not drinking is of course allowed at my house!)
4. Related to the above I am a fan of a little bit of organized fun, games etc - nothing too cringey but particularly my family enjoy some board or card games in the intervals between eating (clearly unless drunk we can't talk to one another so what else can you do!), we like to do the FT quiz together also. If I ever have children coming it's nice to have some kind of activity for them prepared as otherwise it's a lot of time for them to just sit/wait. It's a case of know your audience though, don't make a group of very shy people play charades (or not without a lot of alcohol!), don't invite your fundamentalist religious aunt to play Cards Against Humanity etc etc.

I love planning as much as the event itself! Thinking about menus, drinks, little extras, brilliant. I usually do the food while DH does drinks, and I’ve trained the DC to do nibbles, putting 4 types of nuts/olives/crisps in nice bowls is now second nature 😂 Also as the host you can sneak into the kitchen for some quiet slow washing up time if you need a break.

I used to love hosting. It was a gift of my skill,.time and money to create a wonderful experience for my friends.

I stopped post child and also with the lack of balance. You have to match the energy.

I like hosting and overall, I think DH and I have a reputation of being good hosts. I think part of it is that we genuinely want people to have a good time and try to do things that we think would make people comfortable. I know that even though our home is smaller and has less luxuries than either my sister or sister in law's, both of our mothers feel more comfortable at our house because we're generally very accommodating.

I think also that you need to be prepared to put a bit of work in. Our house is generally fairly clean and tidy but there's usually some prep work to be done before people come over. We divide and conquer so Dh handles that part and I handle food prep and thinking.

Definitely not the time for new recipes - you want things you know you can do easily and well without too much stress. Also, I always try to make food where I can do the bulk of the prep in advance. You don't want to be individually frying fillets of fish for 8 people.

I think presentation is also important - I don't mean fancy place settings etc, but a simple meal, presented well, feels special. I like to do things I can place on platters or in big bowls in the middle of the table for example.

Always buy more booze than you think you'll need. It's not like it will go off and that way you have options.

I love to host because I absolutely love planning meals to cook for people I love. The Cooking itself gives me a lot of pleasure too. Also we recently moved to a house that I'm proud of so that's a nice bonus to have people in your space.

Oh, and someone I know who is a brilliant host, if she's doing something a bit bigger and it's a mixed group, always has something at the start to create a bit of a vibe so there isn't awkward standing around. Something minor usually - might be a couple of jugs of some cocktails or (when we were all younger and dumber - a tray of shots on arrival). Or she'll have a tray of hot canapés and get someone passing those around right up front. Or with kids around, she was great about setting up some kind of games area for the kids, or a bouncy castle or something so she'd sort of direct everyone to that on arrival which would give the adults a chance to feel like they're getting their kids settled, check the lay of the land etc, before they fully leapt into things.

She told me once that she realised early on that it's the first 15 minutes that set the tone so a warm welcome, clear guidance on something to DO (even if it's just marvel at the crazy cocktail) really helps to settle people who are shy or a bit anxious.

Thanks everyone, and some good advice.

I think ultimately it's always in my head that I want the evening to be over quickly so I can relax, and that's not good.