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AIBU?

Shared parental leave ungrateful husband

153 replies

If123 · 26/01/2024 00:09

AIBU? 

me and my other half have decided that we will do shared parental leave. I’m am taking 5 months then finishing my leave and he will have the remaining paid 4 months as his company will top him up to full pay and I would only be on Statutory amount. It makes total sense financially to do this however when I ask my OH if he is looking forward to it he doesn’t show much enthusiasm. I would prefer he atleast pretends to be excited since I am absolutly gutted to be leaving my baby so soon. I feel he is being really ungrateful of the sacrifice I am making. 
to make thing worse I have been for a kit day with my employer today. I have spent months back and forth trying to set this day up and I finally managed. I am going in for the money to help financially support our family. I’ve come home in pieces because I feel guilty about leaving my baby she’s only 3 months. Also I had hardly any energy to make effort for her as I was physically exhausted (my job is very manual). I felt so bad for this. I had been up since 5.30am getting ready and getting out to drive to work. When I explained I was tired and needed a nap or to have a sleep my OH has a bit of a go saying that he’s tired too and he’s had the baby all day (which I get is tiring but I do on my own every day and he’s had MILs help all day) he then said how he’s tired because he had cleaned the house- which did look a lot better but I don’t know why he thinks he needs a medal for it when I did a large amount of it the evening before. 

it’s just made me feel like I am trying my best to financially help to support us and he’s thrown it in my face. He obviously does not understand how hard it is being away from her (he works from home) but I really feel like telling him to get F**ed if he thinks I’m making a load of effort again to try and help out to take the financial pressures off him when he clearly doesn’t appreciate the effort. 

AIBU to tell him that I don’t want to share my leave with him anymore if he doesn’t appreciate it and that I won’t be doing any more Kit days or forcing myself to prematurely return to work if he doesn’t appreciate my efforts. 

*the only reason I have to return is because I have to pay my contractual maternity pay back to my company if I don’t return for atleast 6 months. At the value of £3.5k to be paid in 21 days I can’t really afford to do that. So I have to try and go back for 6 months and with him taking 4 months off I could do most of this without relying on a nursery.

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Am I being unreasonable?

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MagsterMum · 28/01/2024 08:39

Is he someone who doesn't get excited unless jn the moment? My DH was like this, but when he did have time off he loved every minute and took our DD to baby/toddler classes, made her baby meals etc. I however was immensely sad and a little jealous that he had all the fun bits and milestones of walking etc compared to the first months of sleep deprivation where I don't really remember most of it :D

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IamnotSethRogan · 28/01/2024 08:45

Well it sounds like you've both made the decision that is financially best for your family. Just like you he is doing it, but he just maybe isn't thrilled about it. I don't think you can give him a hard time for it.

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cremebrulait · 28/01/2024 11:02

TheBeesKnee · 26/01/2024 15:50

Are you in the USA? 3 weeks is unusual, especially as you're supposed to give it 6 weeks to recover from a CS.

I was not. I was in the UK - a long time resident and Canadian. A solicitor and DV were involved - DH had prevented me applying for nationality. Five months before I got pregnant I had left a company because of bad behaviours leading to an 'agreement' to leave. It left me a complete mess as at the same time my DH had mental health issues and there had been DV but I was convinced if we got him a diagnosis and medication he would be sorted out. But things were so bad I was living off savings and getting my own psychological therapy. By the time I had any interviews I was obviously pregnant and you know people in the UK tend not to hire pregnant women! So I had no opportunity for company maternity leave.

My now ex DH's visa stated 'no recourse to public funds' and the powers that be in the UK refused to give me any benefits because HIS visa meant HE would benefit from my access to public funds and therefore I was refused. Yes, I went to citizens advice, HN, MP, a solicitor - everyone I could think of. So I was screwed unless one of us got a job and he was only getting minimum wage jobs I think on purpose in retrospect. Luckily I interviewed for a job I was overqualified for and I did all the interviews after 30 weeks and on video so nobody knew I was pregnant. I had to negotiate to delay the start date and I went into septic shock 3 days before I was supposed to start and had to push out the date.

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