AIBU to insist that my ex tells my kids about a sibling

[Sa1200]

Ok this is the first time I'm posting on here.

I split up from my kids father almost a year ago after 16years of a very toxic relationship. I know alot of people will think why did I stay with him but i just wanted my girls to have their father around. And he was very manipulative whenever i tried to leave him in the past and very narcissistic with constant mind games etc..
following on from the birth of my youngest (9 years old) I had postnatal depression so his narcissism was rife but I did not see it as clearly as I have over past 2 years or so.
He travelled alot to Nigeria to "see his family"
I then found out just over a year ago that he married someone back home and that is when I got the strength to finally walk away for good. I knew deep down he was seeing someone back home but foolishly I didn't want to admit it at a fear of breaking my family apart. But clearly he didn't care about that because his actions proved otherwise.
Yet I'm not a person that will ever stop him seeing his kids like alot have said I should as he was never there for them a way a father should be neither in person, nor financially.

I am in such a better place mentally now after calling it a day once and for all.

But my suspicion of another child back home has now been confirmed, who is 4 years old. Now in my opinion my kids have a right to know they have a sibling... but AIBU yo insist that he now shows his kids respect by telling them and being honest with them.

I personally couldn't care less he has another child because truthfully my love for him died some time before we even split which is why I am feeling stronger now than ever before
But I also feel the kids should be aware (11years 9years)

My eldest doesn't have a close relationship with dad as he was never there for her in her younger years and he has been quite toxic towards her regarding body image. My youngest loves dad but due to his absence she doesn't have as close of a relationship with him as I hoped they both would.
I have tried so hard over the past 11 years to enhance a positive relationship between all of them but I feel without this out in the open then how can any relationship between them be positive with lies and big secrets like his whole 2nd life he created

If he won't tell them then I do think you should as imagine their reaction if you don't and they find out and that you knew. I would be tempted to say he tells them or you do but wpuld instead which of you would your children cope with it coming from best as it is about them at the end of the day.

I have told him he needs to tell them as it really isn't fair on any of the children mine or this other one. If he says he wants me there when he tells them then I will be of course but he will deny he has another child like he has always denied my suspicions in the past of this but this has been confirmed by certain things he has said in the past and by another source too

Ty for ur reply

They absolutely have a right to know. I’d definitely insist that he told them ❤️

Why don’t you tell them? Don’t be part of the deception.

You could tell them?

Give him a timeline such as 2 weeks to tell them and if he doesn't you will.

They have a right to know and as they get older they will understand why you left him (even if you didn't find out until later that he had fathered a child). Truth is the best policy in these situations.

Thank you for your replies. I ended up telling them as he said they don't need to know anything and he will tell them when the time is right! Which I know in layman's terms meant he will never tell them not for years anyways. They were quite hurt that he didn't tell them himself but they were also hurt that I didn't tell them when I found out (which was only last week) so imagine I would of left him to do it years down the line and they found out I knew! So I'm glad I did but annoyed he didn't see that they needed to know! Unfortunately I couldn't answer all their questions so hopefully he will man up and answer any questions they have without getting angry with them! Time will tell xx

Just tell them yourself. You are their place of safety and you will be much better for comfort if they get confused etc, by the sounds of his behaviour it sounds like it would be better coming from you. They can then ask him further questions if they wish.

Be prepared for a backlash for telling them. It's not your thing to tell in honesty, it's his.
You've done it now but I'd definitely now just say nothing further. This is his other child and his thing to discuss or not with kids

I’m going against the grain but did they really need to know now? When they’re all older and able to facilitate a relationship they absolutely should know but at their current ages and with the youngest presumably in Nigeria what difference does knowing make? Will anything change with their relationship to the new sibling? With their dad?