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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To back out of DSis "hen do"?

10 replies

hulahoopqueen · 25/01/2024 18:51

My sister was due to get married this summer. For various reasons the wedding has now been called off. Her and her now-ex are still amicable, but they're firm that their relationship has ended.
We'd booked a weekend away for the hen do, think Hoseasons kind of place, for 12 of us.
The question has now come up of whether we should still go ahead. The deposit is non refundable (£40 per person) but we can make changes to the number of cabins etc up to mid-Feb.
I'm hesitating on whether to go. I'm currently a SAHP and do have a small amount of "fun money" each month, and the final payment, including food for the weekend, would come to 3.5 months' money. That's not including any meals or drinks out, or other activities.
I've also got a DD who will be 11 months when we go - she's currently 8 months and still feeds multiple times per night (exc. BF and won't reliably take a bottle).
AIBU to say that now it's no longer a hen do and more of a weekend away for my sister's mates, I'm no longer wanting to attend? I would happily have made these sacrifices for a hen do, but this... isn't one.

So as not to drip feed, I love her very dearly and think of her as my best mate, but I'm pretty sure it's not reciprocated, she's a social butterfly and has heaps of friends. If the tables were turned, I'm pretty sure she'd still come to mine (though my hen do was a meal out and mini golf, which suited me perfectly - like I say she's much more social than I am!). I try and get together with her as often as possible but she's busy a lot and isn't very reliable with replying to texts/returning calls etc.

OP posts:
Favouritefruits · 25/01/2024 18:55

No I totally understand, I wouldn’t want to go either now the circumstances have changed, just explain you’re happy to loose your deposit but won’t be attending anymore.

Oopsadaisysgranny · 25/01/2024 18:57

Don’t go pull out now and just loose the £40 deposit . Just explain as you have here that it is tricky for you . I’m sure you are very important to your sister and she wouldn’t want you to be stretching your money

Beautiful3 · 25/01/2024 18:57

Yeah, I wouldn't go either. It's no longer a hen do now. My bil cancelled his wedding and my husband didn't go on the stag do. He lost a deposit, but he didn't mind. Bil went with his mates for a fun weekend.

HiCandles · 25/01/2024 18:58

I wouldn't go either, pull out and be prepared to lose the deposit. If your sister and friends still go maybe you will be able to recoup it from the balance they'll pay.

DDivaStar · 25/01/2024 18:58

Do you know and get on with the others going? If it was a group of good friends I'd say you deserve the break so enjoy it. But if its with people you don't really know and don't usually socialise with i font see why pulling out would be issue. Maybe suggest you do lunch or spa or something just you and your sister as a treat instead.

TheSlantedOwl · 25/01/2024 19:00

I wouldn’t go either.

Sparklesocks · 25/01/2024 19:06

I wouldn’t go, it’s no longer a hen do - £40 isn’t a small amount of money when you’re on a tight budget but it’s less than you’d pay for the full whack, sunk cost fallacy and all that.

but it might be that your sister and her friends might want to keep it booked if she needs to let her hair down after what must be a big break up. If that’s the case I would just explain your reasons and offer to go to lunch or something separately.

easylikeasundaymorn · 25/01/2024 19:14

HiCandles · 25/01/2024 18:58

I wouldn't go either, pull out and be prepared to lose the deposit. If your sister and friends still go maybe you will be able to recoup it from the balance they'll pay.

how would this work? If anything the sister and her friends might have to pay more to cover OPs cost as well (unless sufficient other people also drop out that they can go from say 3 cabins to 2. Otherwise if each cabin sleeps four, they'll still need 3, but will need to split the total cost between 9-11 rather than 12 = more overall. Obviously not a reason for OP not to go but I can't see any way she'll get the £40 back - that's the whole point of a deposit, you put it down to offset the costs of changing your mind. In terms of sunken cost fallacy it's better to lose the £40 than the total amount, unless you want to go. If your sister had originally invited you just for a holiday, and you'd have been fine saying no, then it's now no different.

Tinkerbyebye · 25/01/2024 19:17

I wouldn’t go, just let her know and lose the £40

Bex5490 · 26/01/2024 17:15

I’d find out from her how much it means to her for whether you go or not.

Like if the circumstances are: fiancé left her, everyone else is slowly cancelling on this trip and she’s going to be forced to go on a sad lonely trip that was originally her hen and now just emphasises her failed relationship…I might be tempted to go.

But if it’s just become another girls trip with her mates then I’d opt out.

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