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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my mum has some serious issues?

20 replies

LollyPopLouie · 25/01/2024 18:32

My mum has always been difficult. I remember when we were young she always had a face on. Days out ruined and holidays ruined. She was always asleep on the couch. She once got in a temper so bad she smashed a milk bottle. She was very sharp and always catastrophised every thing. No wonder i have anxiety. She hasn't spoken to my dad for 2 weeks. She constantly blows up at him. They just sit in silence.

OP posts:
Janiie · 25/01/2024 18:35

Sounds absolutely awful op sorry you've endured this Flowers.

She sounds abusive, has anyone challenged her about her anger issues?

LollyPopLouie · 25/01/2024 18:40

My dad will but she's always the same.

OP posts:
Jabberwocky78 · 25/01/2024 18:41

How old? Menopausal?

HappyHamsters · 25/01/2024 18:43

Poor dad, does he want to continue living like this. Is she aware she upsets everyone.

LollyPopLouie · 25/01/2024 18:45

Jabberwocky78 · 25/01/2024 18:41

How old? Menopausal?

She's well past menopause. She was awful then.

OP posts:
LollyPopLouie · 25/01/2024 18:45

HappyHamsters · 25/01/2024 18:43

Poor dad, does he want to continue living like this. Is she aware she upsets everyone.

She's not arsed.

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LightSwerve · 25/01/2024 18:47

Yes, she has issues and they must really affect others. Sorry it was like that for you Flowers

mynameiscalypso · 25/01/2024 18:52

Jabberwocky78 · 25/01/2024 18:41

How old? Menopausal?

Menopausal?! Is that really an excuse for abusive behaviour now?!

Sparklesocks · 25/01/2024 18:54

That’s terrible, I’m so sorry. Has he ever mentioned her behaviour to you?

TipulophobiaIsReal · 25/01/2024 19:04

She does sound like she has serious issues, yes.

However, and this isn't a criticism of you, more of an observation, but I noticed that you say you have problems with anxiety, and also that you seem to think and talk about this in a very absolute way, using words like "always" and "constantly" a lot.

Her behaviour in itself is likely a big factor in your anxiety, but it's also a known feature of anxiety that people who struggle with it tend to think of what's going on in these very all-or-nothing ways. Whether it's the anxiety that causes you to think in that way, or whether thinking that way exacerbates the anxiety, it's common in therapies like CBT to try to recognise where that's happening, and to reframe things in a less absolute way. NOT to try and minimise another person's behaviour, or its effect on you, but to allow you to think about what's going on in a way that doesn't cause extra anxiety for you.

You already know that she's not literally blowing up at him constantly, because straight afterwards you say that they've been sitting in silence for two weeks. Thinking about and framing things using these very one-thing-or-the-other figures of speech might be part of the anxiety state you've been put in, and doing some CBT type stuff or setting a therapist who can work with you on how you think about, relate to and interact with her might help you detach a bit, and stop her behaviour affecting your thinking style so much.

Edit: I mean to say, this isn't you. People who act like this often cause such frustration that they push people around them into this all-or-nothing thinking, and it's completely normal and natural for this to happen. But it can be unhelpful for you to get pushed into thinking that way, leaving you feeling helpless.

CucumberBagel · 25/01/2024 19:07

Sounds like my mum. I suspect she's autistic.

CucumberBagel · 25/01/2024 19:08

Before anyone comes at me, by the way, my daughter and I are also autistic. My daughter shares a lot of traits with my mother, quite an anxious and PDA profile.

Jabberwocky78 · 25/01/2024 19:18

It can make people feel incredibly unwell, angry, depressed etc. It can be absolutely horrendous.

MummytoA · 25/01/2024 19:22

Does she have depression?

LollyPopLouie · 25/01/2024 19:57

I know she was on anti depressants when we were younger. I don't think she liked having kids much but she doesn't seem to like anything or anyone.

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Acrosstheeuniverese · 25/01/2024 20:13

Sounds like my mum.. I went no contact 3 years ago.

TTCSoManyQuestions88 · 25/01/2024 20:34

In a way, she sounds like my mum. I'd describe her somewhat similarly to your description. Looking back however, she was under immense pressure. She worked 10 hour days, including Saturdays (this is normal in my home country, not the UK and we were poor, it was starve or work) and then at home she did EVERYTHING. My dad would put his feet up at the end of the day, whereas she had to make dinner, wash up, help with homework, take care of me generally etc. She was from that in-between generation where she absolutely had to work but also be a perfect house wife. She was caving under all that constant pressure. So I have quite a lot more understanding for her now, especially as an expecting working mother myself.

Each person's circumstances are different of course. But I think it's unfair to blame her for your anxiety issues. And if she's so evil really, your dad is also at fault for not protecting you from her rage.

Freshair1 · 25/01/2024 20:59

Go low contact. Sorted.

LollyPopLouie · 29/01/2024 22:18

My DH told me today when my MIL came out with my mum and I she couldn't believe how critical and nasty my mum was.

OP posts:
LollyPopLouie · 29/01/2024 22:21

TTCSoManyQuestions88 · 25/01/2024 20:34

In a way, she sounds like my mum. I'd describe her somewhat similarly to your description. Looking back however, she was under immense pressure. She worked 10 hour days, including Saturdays (this is normal in my home country, not the UK and we were poor, it was starve or work) and then at home she did EVERYTHING. My dad would put his feet up at the end of the day, whereas she had to make dinner, wash up, help with homework, take care of me generally etc. She was from that in-between generation where she absolutely had to work but also be a perfect house wife. She was caving under all that constant pressure. So I have quite a lot more understanding for her now, especially as an expecting working mother myself.

Each person's circumstances are different of course. But I think it's unfair to blame her for your anxiety issues. And if she's so evil really, your dad is also at fault for not protecting you from her rage.

My mum chose to work a high pressure job. She had a nice husband and actually 2 nice kids. From my perspective [I appreciate I don't know what else was going on] she didn't have much to moan about.
I don't think my dad knew what to do and there was periods she was OK but I do remember a lot of shit times.

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