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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DS still not over ex

11 replies

Dinkydonnydonkey · 25/01/2024 04:10

My eldest DS is 19, he's at uni, first year.
During Year 12/13 he was in a relationship with a girl, they got on well but had a pretty rough break up.
They went travelling for a month with friends, then had A-Level results where DS didn't get the grades he needed for his first choice but she got 4 A*, then a group holiday to Greece with school friends where they had an argument. She then went on holiday with her dad and DS decided that since his insurance uni was in the north and she was going to a London Uni, he'd break up with her before she left. He said if they were going to work they'd come back together in the future but no one needs the streets of a relationship while settling at uni.
He lives at home, and since he broke up with her he's been depressed. I see her dad quite often as we both go to a photography group. As soon as I get back DS runs down to ask if I asked him how she's getting on. DS2 tells me that he checks her socials all the time and gets upset if she posts something revealing or with another guy.
All of DSs closest friends moved for uni or are on a gap year travelling. He hasn't bothered to make friends at uni. He does work part time but is very much not himself.
DH thinks he's just taking the break up hard, I think this might be indicative of bigger mental health issues.
DS also blames her for him getting ABB instead of the AAA he was hoping for but really she was hardly here and the real reason he didn't do as well is he spent too much time on games and not enough studying. Part of me worries he is keeping checking up on her as he is hoping she fails as some sort of equaliser.
AIBU to think this is indicative of a bigger mental health issue and to think we need to encourage him to seek support?

OP posts:
MiddleagedBeachbum · 25/01/2024 04:14

Yes he needs to move on and you’re right it’s his overall mental state that isn’t allowing him to, rather than just the break up.

But first love breaks up are hard!

Sounds like he needs to invest more into his current Uni, join some clubs / socials there. Delete ex off social media etc.

Have you sat and discussed your concerns with him and given any guidance?

user1492757084 · 25/01/2024 04:23

DS needs to get a reality check.
He is living a lot in his imagination.
Has he seen her or spoken since the breakup?
Bumping into her might be theraputic.

DS needs to get involved with a fun social club at uni that takes him on adventures - like bouldering or kayaking or something... but not the solitary gaming at home.

ColdButSunny · 25/01/2024 04:27

I think you and DH are both right - it sounds like it stems from the break up but may become a bigger MH issue if he continues this way. Would he be open to talking to someone about it? Clearly his current behaviour isn't healthy.

Wadermellone · 25/01/2024 04:36

Neither you or dh wrong.

He is taking the break up hard. But you are right to be concerned.

I wouldn’t say it’s a mental health issue as such. But could become one or could turn into something more.

I think it might be emotionally immaturity. He didn’t get the grades he wanted and she did. That’s why he broke up with her. He is disappointed and (possible angry) at himself for not getting the grades. He has projected that onto her. He split up with her because she achieved what he didn’t. That’s is why he might be hoping she isn’t doing well.

He is probably also annoyed and angry at himself for breaking up with her, making himself more miserable. Again, projecting those feelings to her.

It’s not a great thought process. It could become something larger. Long term bitterness to women who achieve more than him. Bitterness to women in general. Or he could realise he keeps doing things that are making him more miserable and reach the emotional maturity stage he realises he caused his own misery.

I think he might need both your and your dhs love and support, maybe some tough love at times to get there though.

Caiti19 · 25/01/2024 04:46

"DS2 tells me that he checks her socials all the time and gets upset if she posts something revealing or with another guy."

He needs to stop this. Break-ups are hard enough, but this just prolongs the pain and is deeply unhealthy.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/01/2024 05:15

Wadermellone · 25/01/2024 04:36

Neither you or dh wrong.

He is taking the break up hard. But you are right to be concerned.

I wouldn’t say it’s a mental health issue as such. But could become one or could turn into something more.

I think it might be emotionally immaturity. He didn’t get the grades he wanted and she did. That’s why he broke up with her. He is disappointed and (possible angry) at himself for not getting the grades. He has projected that onto her. He split up with her because she achieved what he didn’t. That’s is why he might be hoping she isn’t doing well.

He is probably also annoyed and angry at himself for breaking up with her, making himself more miserable. Again, projecting those feelings to her.

It’s not a great thought process. It could become something larger. Long term bitterness to women who achieve more than him. Bitterness to women in general. Or he could realise he keeps doing things that are making him more miserable and reach the emotional maturity stage he realises he caused his own misery.

I think he might need both your and your dhs love and support, maybe some tough love at times to get there though.

This. And I agree with a bit of tough love. I’d say a bit of a reality check, to help him understand these emotions and that he is making a choice to be blame his ex and making himself miserable in the process. If he wants to try get back with her or even just to be friends, he has some apologising to do.

Oblomov23 · 25/01/2024 06:57

It's not a mental health issue. It's a viewpoint issue. He can't have it both ways. He chose to break up with her. He made that choice. She didn't, he did. Maybe the problem lies in his thought process back then , and not realising the ramifications. But you can now talk to him about this. So to then be continuing to ask about her, is not helpful to his healing process. Talk to him about breaking up, why, the process, and how he has to move it forward.

Oblomov23 · 25/01/2024 06:59

Taking responsibility aswell. For his decision to break up with her. And for his actions that led to his grades. Help him process this, Stop him from doing the blaming, because that's not good for him.

DoAWheelie · 25/01/2024 07:01

Maybe mention to her dad that your son is struggling and it might be best if she blocks him so he can't sit at home doomscrolling on her profiles.

orangegato · 25/01/2024 07:10

Tell him to get tinder and get over it.

orangegato · 25/01/2024 07:11

DoAWheelie · 25/01/2024 07:01

Maybe mention to her dad that your son is struggling and it might be best if she blocks him so he can't sit at home doomscrolling on her profiles.

Bad idea telling him his daughter is being stalked, how will that go well for anyone

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