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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He's ignoring the divorce that he wanted...

8 replies

userzH · 24/01/2024 21:38

Has this happened to anyone? What would be the next steps? My solicitor is going to write to him again but what if he ignores that too?

My ex husband is a narcissist. I realise this is a term thrown about so much these days but I've had so much support from therapy, dv charities , the police etc who have all said he is very narcissistic.

Our marriage ended the end of October after I called the police.

He was then straight into a new relationship and it was put on social media etc straight away.

He then asked me to file for divorce. I did using a solicitor as I am entitled to legal aid. I have done all my parts for this as requested. My solicitor has written to him asking him to complete some forms in order to get a 'clean break order' and to get him to state his wishes for the divorce. He had 2 weeks to do this. He hasn't.

3 weeks ago he was texting me to ask me to hurry it along 🙄

Also as he doesn't pay maintenance (he did but it was never regular and then stopped it altogether) I went to cms. They have worked out the payments and contacted him but he still hasn't paid. I've marked that as a missed payment and they are also writing to him with a warning.

All his post goes to his mums - this is what he wanted. He now lives with his new girlfriend/victim. I have an idea of where she lives but not an exact address.

Can anyone help me understand why this is? It feels like control still. However he also has a habit of doing things and then regrets it after - he throws a tantrum and then realises he didn't mean it. But this time it's all too late. I'm not saying he wants to get back together with me but I don't even know if it wants a divorce....yet he's with someone else now....yet he had no where to live 🤷🏻‍♀️

We have a child together which he sees 1 day every other weekend. It's all I will allow right now due to the abuse. He never rings, FaceTimes or texts to ask how he is inbetween visits. We are pretty much no contact - which is great as previously he was border lining on harassment!

I do wonder if the silence means he is planning something. He's in a lot of debt so I can't imagine it but I do know he recently sold his van. I'm a panicky slightly that he might be taking me to court for something...though I'm not sure what. Possibly child arrangements...yet I don't think he is really that interested in ds at all.

The whole thing is stressing me out....and that's probably the answer! He knows me well enough. He's just trying to spite me I think.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 24/01/2024 21:44

My ex - also with narc traits - did similar. Cheated, pushed for divorce v quickly, then once I moved things on he backed off completely, refused to engage, etc. On reflection, I think it was a loss of control thing, and maybe a bit of regret that I moved on with the divorce when he wanted me to beg him to come back, etc.

Kbroughton · 24/01/2024 21:51

I really feel for you. My ex left me for someone else after years and years of infedility and coercive control. He has been a nightmare through the divorce, even though he filed it first. We have finally agreed everything and he is refusing to file for a final order unless I pay him Money! I've found a way round. It is all control. I'm pretty sure that I'd you have filled then after 3 months u can ask for a final order without him however, do you have a house together and is he on the deeds? Stay strong. He can't control you any more. DM Me if you want!

userzH · 24/01/2024 21:57

Kbroughton · 24/01/2024 21:51

I really feel for you. My ex left me for someone else after years and years of infedility and coercive control. He has been a nightmare through the divorce, even though he filed it first. We have finally agreed everything and he is refusing to file for a final order unless I pay him Money! I've found a way round. It is all control. I'm pretty sure that I'd you have filled then after 3 months u can ask for a final order without him however, do you have a house together and is he on the deeds? Stay strong. He can't control you any more. DM Me if you want!

Thank you for sharing your story and I'm so sorry you r had a hard time of it.

I just don't get it - well I do, he's a narcissist! But I suppose it just proves absolutely everything that I feel about him is true.

I forgot to add that we never owned a house - thank goodness! It was the plan but his gambling put a stop to that - now I couldn't be more thankful! I am secure in my own place now and we split the savings right down the middle.

It should be an easy divorce! There's absolutely nothing to sort.

Thanks for your offer of dm - I may take you up on that when I next sign in online as I don't think I can do it from the app.

OP posts:
Kbroughton · 24/01/2024 22:05

Mine should have been as well. He has spent thousands trying to bully me out of what I am entitled to but I got there! It's always be using when they left, but don't be fooled. Stay well away. If there are no assets the get some advice as you should be able to just divorce. You'll have to go before a judge probably as no consent order but he will have to appear and explain why he hasn't engaged. It's mandatory now to do mediation if I have children but your solicitor can advise you n that as we didn't have any. Good luck. You may what to read 'why does he do that' which explains things quite nicely

PollyPut · 24/01/2024 22:05

Are you sure his mum is giving him the post? What if she doesn't want him to divorce?

userzH · 24/01/2024 22:13

PollyPut · 24/01/2024 22:05

Are you sure his mum is giving him the post? What if she doesn't want him to divorce?

His mum will be telling him about his post. I'm 100% sure on that. Werner he is going round to open it...I have no idea. But she could have balliffs at her door from cms soon.

She is happy he's in a new relationship. She enables him completely and is also very narcissistic herself. She doesn't care about his actions at all so I don't think she's bothered about the divorce. She has 4 kids and they've all been divorced - she's used to it 🙄

I could always text her and ask but I really don't want to speak to any of them. That's why I'm using a solicitor in the first place

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 24/01/2024 22:20

Probably didn't think you'd start the divorce, so wants to claw back 'control' by not replying. Must look dodgy to the new woman that the 'mad ex who won't let go'/'woman that desperately loves me and would take me back in an instant if I returned because you won't do whatever I want all the time, including giving me all your money and questioning why I'm on gambling sites ' effectively says 'OK, then' and gets herself off to a solicitor the following morning.

userzH · 24/01/2024 22:29

NeverDropYourMooncup · 24/01/2024 22:20

Probably didn't think you'd start the divorce, so wants to claw back 'control' by not replying. Must look dodgy to the new woman that the 'mad ex who won't let go'/'woman that desperately loves me and would take me back in an instant if I returned because you won't do whatever I want all the time, including giving me all your money and questioning why I'm on gambling sites ' effectively says 'OK, then' and gets herself off to a solicitor the following morning.

Absolutely! Him and his new girlfriend are 'so happy' and she is the 'love of his life' apparently on social media so I'm told. I blocked him ages ago and she blocked me - no idea why as she doesn't no me and I'm certainly no threat!

They really have moved very quickly which isn't a shock, it's what he does. I was daft enough to fall for it!

But why if he's so happy and in love, he isn't signing this flipping piece of paper and sending it back to my solicitor I have no idea - that's all he has to do for now and he can't even do that lol.

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