Practical tips for dealing with a hypochondriac

[crochetmonkey74]

Nice family member, no health anxiety but being ill has become her personality. She's not old, but will send a daily text, hers always consist of what illness she has, or how badly she slept. Her childhood way to get attention was this I think. I love her dearly but there is only so much you can talk about this. Her love language is very much acts of service so if I don't put something along the lines of " let me know if I can drop something off for you" she gets a bit sulky. Anyone got a hypochondriac and got good tips of how to manage them?

May I take a wild guess that this started/got worse around 2020?

Yes definitely! It's a learned way of getting attention and definitely their way of checking that you love and care for them

No, it's been years now even before the pandemic

@crochetmonkey74 too soft with whoever it is!! tell her to get a grip and dont pander to her! how old is she anyway??

You say 'Its not whether you have anxiety about health that I am concerned about, it is your excessive focus on your health, symptoms etc which I dont think is helpful, and I think it would be worth you exploring this in therapy. I love you and want to support you, but I am at a point where I dont know what else to do. It seems like we never get to have conversations about anything else but your health and it does not seem very positive or helpful'.

My dad had a wonderful phrase that summed it all up . He used to describe someone like the person you mentioned as someone who enjoys ill health 😀.

Call her out on it. So say that you are so concerned that you are calling the doctor on her behalf. That it's not normal to be so sick every day.

How’s the rest of her life? Does she have a relationship, kids, friends? A job? I agree with whoever suggested upthread that what she’s really telling you is ‘I’m not very happy’. She needs to fix some of the big stuff

This sounds exactly like my brother except he regularly goes doctors. I am sick of it. I am tempted to speak to his doctors myself as I do believe he must have a mental illness, it's not normal to constantly complain of ill health to the extent you are referring to (without something actually being wrong)

Gosh, it’s poor you falling apart, it can’t be right you being sick 365 days a year- what’s the gp said?

save as draft and repeat often

To answer a few questions , she's not old. She is mid fifties. Yes to her being unhappy I'm some ways and lonely (too proud to admit this )

You sound very compassionate OP in the way that you are seeking to understand the need she has underneath this bloody annoying behaviour. Is this something you can reflect to her, in a gentle way? Which will mean you feel authentic and true to yourself, and not ignoring it.

Eg 'you seem really down about your health and you have done for a while, it seems like there's always something you have to deal with, that must be so difficult for you.... why do you think it is?'

And when you feel its the right time, you can explore a bit more your thoughts about it with her.

Also interested in what relation she is to you..

Otoh, you're own boundaries around her are important. I need so much space from energy suckers like this (sorry to call them this but this is the effect they have on me)

Yes to energy suckers, I definitely need boundaries on this. I've done a bit of openly naming it, occasionally I've said things like " I know your love language is being actively looked after so here's a lasagne I've cooked "
I am compassionate to her as she Is lovely and very cherished by me but we don't have a relationship where I can boss her around or talk like I would have with my mum. Our relationship isn't rocky, but it's not so close to withstand that

Try suggesting some books such as Scientific Healing Affirmations by Yogananda, or 49 Ways to Think Yourself Well by Jan Alco

She is very very lucky to have you, I'm wondering what you get out of this relationship that makes it balanced?

I get lots from it and its an important relationship for me to keep

My DM tends towards this sort of thing, not just about health but she is quite negative in general. My brother tackles it head on and lets her say a few negative things and be miserable for a while. Then he says right, tell me three positive things. They don’t have to be anything massive. For her, it’s very much just a habit of negativity and he is trying to get her to practice being positive instead. It’s beginning to work I think.

Yeah, you don't have to rescue her @crochetmonkey74, much as she wants to be. Focus on how it makes you feel to not respond to her when she says things like this. I imagine its quite uncomfortable, but therein lies your own recovery from people pleasing and rescuing. We dont have to take the bait when people throw us the iine. Easy to say I know, and requires a lot self awareness and reflection on our part, but worth it so we don't end up bitter and resentful. Good luck x

I like the positivity idea, I can definitely try that in a more gentle way. That will probably help redess the people pleaser balance too

I too wake up each day with a different ailment, it's my age I think but if I share my family call me a hypochondriac which upsets me.
I've started writing a journal so I can note everything down and see if I can find patterns, perhaps suggest to her to write them down as an outlet?

Sorry you asked for practical tips - I would reduce contact, for me it's the only way to preserve the relationship and have the energy to manage the constant fretfulness. But I have very little patience for stuff like this.

Never had family members like it, but I had a friend once who was so negative, I felt like I'd been trampled on when I would leave from seeing her. I just stopped seeing her as it didn't feel worth it, but I appreciate the relationship is important to you so this wouldn't work for you

My go-to response in situations like this is the satisfyingly ambiguous 'what a bore'.

We had someone like this in our family when I was a child, when asked “how are you?”, would always reply “not 100% or some health problem.

It became a family saying that when someone didn’t feel very well, they felt “a bit Aunty Carol” - short for not quite right.

I know this doesn’t help you with your situation but it just made me remember this little in - joke fondly.

I would reply “poor you, get better soon x “ and send. Everyday same thing. She will stop when she is not getting the attention.