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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this a normal split of household activities

11 replies

Iwantout90 · 24/01/2024 15:02

DH and I both work full time, he works shifts including earlies, lates & nights, I work office hours, 2 days a week in the office. 2 children (8 and nearly 3)

I generally pick up the day to day household activities, such as
school & nursery drop off
loading/unloading the dishwasher
school/nursery pick ups
washing (sorting, putting in the machine, unloading, drying, putting away for everyone)
weekly food shop (ordering online, putting away when delivered) and any smaller shops needed in the week
School/Nursery admin

Generally any household maintenance falls to DH, but he spends all of his time moaning about it. He also hoovers and will cook dinner if he is on an early shift and we are all in (about once a week!) I always cook on a Sunday if we are all in.

Today for example, part of the letterbox fell off. I have been WFH and in between calls saw it had fallen off, tried to fix it but no idea how so left it on the side to mention to DH later as I had another call I needed to go to. He has fixed it, and had a massive go at me about how I should have tried to fix it

I left a cupboard door open earlier (ajar, not side open). Got shouted at about that, instead he could have just closed it (it was open about 2 cm's)

If something goes wrong in the house I do try and fix things but normally it does fall to DH and then he will spend the entire time moaning about how he has to do everything. I ask him to show me how to do it so if it happens again I can help, and then when he rushes through and I ask questions, he complains that I am asking.

OP posts:
BigBoysDontCry · 24/01/2024 15:05

He's a bit of a dick it sounds like to me.

Allocation of duties probably quite "normal" but not fair...

BIinkii · 24/01/2024 15:40

I was on board for it being fair as I thought it said he cooks dinner......but he only does that once a week so not it's not a fair split.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/01/2024 15:55

I know his varying shifts must make it awkward, but if you both work ft, you should have roughly the same amount of household tasks. It seems as though you have loads more than him - that you’re doing almost everything, or about 90%.

The maintenance tasks he is doing are all pretty much one off things - in no way comparable to the constant and repetitive jobs you’ve taken on.

QforCucumber · 24/01/2024 15:58

Not in our house, but what's more abnormal is the way he speaks to you - shouting at you for these things he needs to be told where to fuck off to.

Menapausemum1974 · 24/01/2024 16:28

Iwantout90 · 24/01/2024 15:02

DH and I both work full time, he works shifts including earlies, lates & nights, I work office hours, 2 days a week in the office. 2 children (8 and nearly 3)

I generally pick up the day to day household activities, such as
school & nursery drop off
loading/unloading the dishwasher
school/nursery pick ups
washing (sorting, putting in the machine, unloading, drying, putting away for everyone)
weekly food shop (ordering online, putting away when delivered) and any smaller shops needed in the week
School/Nursery admin

Generally any household maintenance falls to DH, but he spends all of his time moaning about it. He also hoovers and will cook dinner if he is on an early shift and we are all in (about once a week!) I always cook on a Sunday if we are all in.

Today for example, part of the letterbox fell off. I have been WFH and in between calls saw it had fallen off, tried to fix it but no idea how so left it on the side to mention to DH later as I had another call I needed to go to. He has fixed it, and had a massive go at me about how I should have tried to fix it

I left a cupboard door open earlier (ajar, not side open). Got shouted at about that, instead he could have just closed it (it was open about 2 cm's)

If something goes wrong in the house I do try and fix things but normally it does fall to DH and then he will spend the entire time moaning about how he has to do everything. I ask him to show me how to do it so if it happens again I can help, and then when he rushes through and I ask questions, he complains that I am asking.

He has no business shouting at you!

KnowledgeableMomma · 24/01/2024 16:35

No, it is not a fair split with you doing far more. With his wonky work schedule, tell him he can pick up the washing/laundry and weekly food shop (since these things can be done anytime) along with cooking more suppers (like on the weekend) and you'll take care of all the home maintenance. Then when something needs fixing, I'd just outsource it and call a handyman 😊.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 24/01/2024 16:47

QforCucumber · 24/01/2024 15:58

Not in our house, but what's more abnormal is the way he speaks to you - shouting at you for these things he needs to be told where to fuck off to.

This.

The housework split is very weighted on your side but the moaning and having a go and shouting is appalling. Please don’t let him speak to you like that.

It seems that he thinks you should pick up everything so that he can kick back and do bugger all which isn’t acceptable. I bet he doesn’t have a clue about all the things you actually do in the home. I’m not sure of the solution here but please don’t let this situation continue. You deserve more.

laclochette · 24/01/2024 17:00

A classic and unfair situation. Men's responsibilities tend to fall into the category of tasks that are:
Infrequent
Non-urgently time bound

Ie shopping and cooking, which most often falls to women, has to be done constantly and the consequences of not doing it are immediate - everyone goes hungry
Fixing things round the house, maintaining the garden etc is an infrequent need even in the most rickety home, and if it isn't done that day, it's rarely that big a deal - it can wait until the weekend etc.

This makes the mental load of women's chores much bigger than that of men.

Your household is a textbook example!

Bearbookagainandagain · 24/01/2024 17:59

Your main problem isn't the distribution of tasks, but being shouted out. This is unacceptable.

ironorchids · 24/01/2024 19:30

laclochette · 24/01/2024 17:00

A classic and unfair situation. Men's responsibilities tend to fall into the category of tasks that are:
Infrequent
Non-urgently time bound

Ie shopping and cooking, which most often falls to women, has to be done constantly and the consequences of not doing it are immediate - everyone goes hungry
Fixing things round the house, maintaining the garden etc is an infrequent need even in the most rickety home, and if it isn't done that day, it's rarely that big a deal - it can wait until the weekend etc.

This makes the mental load of women's chores much bigger than that of men.

Your household is a textbook example!

Edited

This.

He gets away with odd jobs on the pretence that this is an equal split to things like cleaning and laundry, which are endless and much harder work.

And who does the task of organising and planning things like kids activities go to? If he dropped his tasks you'd carry on mostly as normal. If you dropped your tasks your household would cease to function.

caringcarer · 24/01/2024 19:49

QforCucumber · 24/01/2024 15:58

Not in our house, but what's more abnormal is the way he speaks to you - shouting at you for these things he needs to be told where to fuck off to.

This. No need to get his knickers in a knot about a cupboard door open 2cm. Does he have MH issues?

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