Stepmum has frozen me out

[CrystalFox]

I'll try to keep this short, any help would be really appreciated!

My parents separated when I was in my teens and my dad got a new partner. I always got on with her well. 5 years ago my dad passed away. Just before he died, him and his partner married. I use the term "stepmum" for ease of narrative.

Together they owned a holiday home and me and my family used to go there for a week once a year. This continued after my dad died. About 3 years ago she got a new partner. I never had a problem with this and he seemed fine.

I'm not very close to my stepmum but we'd message and phone every now and again but this has reduced over the last couple of years. Last year via text she told me we couldn't use the holiday home because they wanted to use it for the whole season. I replied saying that was disappointing and I felt we'd drifted apart since she started her new relationship.

She hasn't replied and refuses to speak to me. I sent her a Christmas present but heard nothing. I don't know how to approach this, I don't want to alienate her further but am perplexed as to what I've done wrong. I don't like conflict but need to sort this out. She has things of mine and things of my dad's I would like if this is to be the end of our relationship. We don't live close to each other.

Any idea how to approach this sensitively?

Who owns the property?

She had the chance to respond to your earlier message when you said you thought you had both drifted apart, but chose not too.

I would ask for the items you want to remember your Dad by as a priority. If you can get those first you can then continue to try and salvage the relationship without the fear you won't get those items. It's a little tricky if she continues to ignore your messages however.

As above, who owns the property and the things of your dad's you'd like? Did they all pass to her?

People drift apart in life, especially when there is no blood relation. Your post makes it sound like you’re more bothered about not getting to use the holiday home rather than actually missing the relationship with your stepmum, maybe she senses that? In your position I would message her again and perhaps say that you understand that she has now moved on but there are things of your fathers that you would like. It would be unreasonable of her to not grant you those things if they were intended for you.

Please don’t tell me your father disinherited you and left her all his worldly good and possessions?

She doesn't want you to get any of your dad's property. I am guessing he didn't make a will so she has inherited everything. I am sorry. It is probably that the new partner has his eye on the property.

I think you need to ask her for a conversation and clarity. It might be that it’s hard for her to move on with you in her life as a reminder of the loss of your father but she should have a conversation with you about this. If she agrees to a conversation then you can calmly discuss the things you need to.

You don't know if you're entitled to your dad's half of the property. Have you even seen a copy of the will? Perhaps nows the time to ask to see it.

I don’t think you have done anything wrong, she simply isn’t interested in maintaining a relationship with you. Why does she have some of your things? Anyway, ask if you can arrange to collect them and ask if you can have some of your fathers things, but you don’t have any leverage over that, his things belong to her now so you would be relying upon goodwill. Once you have that sorted, I think you need to move on.

I'm in a similar situation. My dad died 4 years ago and my stepmum and I slowly drifted apart (COVID didn't help) and 18 months ago she told me on the phone that she felt we no longer had anything in common. Pathetic excuse if you ask me. I'd done my very best up to that point to support her in her grief but she pushed me away. I'm ok with that but she hasn't bothered with my dds since the funeral. I just have to accept that's how she is, and she knows where I am if she ever wants to get in touch. Sounds similar to your stepmum unfortunately. My stepmum has also fallen out with 2 of her closest friends so it's not just me

Phone her ask for your stuff and then let her go she obviously wants to move on

Maybe she wants to move on or her new partner isn’t happy with her having a relationship with you? You can’t force that unfortunately.

You don’t mention your father’s will. That definitely needs looking into if they had mirror wills and everything went to her on the condition it passes to the children when anything happens to her. Make sure she isn’t freezing you out because of that?

I suggest you get a copy of the will from the Government website, I think it's called Wills & Probate. Costs £1.50, takes 1-2 weeks & you can then download & print it.

I would ask her for your possessions and then leave it at that. The relationship is over.

I really hope your dad made provision for you in his will and wasn't just relying on her to "pass it on".

My mum married my step dad when I was a toddler and to me he was just always "my dad". She died when I was 21, no will as I don't think she thought she needed it. Everything passed to my dad.

17 years I continued the relationship, met him weekly, birthday/Father's Day trips out, he walked me down the aisle, came to the hospital when DS was born, and even did his grandfatherly share of babysitting.

He died in 2020 and left everything split between his new partner (not married, not even living together) and his 2 nieces.

Absolutely broke my heart.