Would you say something?

[dotinggrannie]

I look after my 2 year old DGD one day/week. Her little brother was born a fortnight ago and of course DGDs nose is out of joint a little - she's no longer the centre of her known universe! As far as I can see, her parents (my DD and partner) are doing their best to help her overcome this. They are a kind, gentle family and treat DGD with kindness and gentleness.

Anyway, DGD usually enjoys her time here and sometimes says laughingly that she doesn't want to go home when the time comes - but yesterday was different. She didn't want to go home, she started getting upset about it - she wanted to LIVE with me and she definitely didn't want to see her brother (although she agreed she'd like to see Mummy and Daddy).

My heart aches for her, but I know this is par for the course and hopefully everything will settle soon. (I'm a big sister and remember the upset when my sibling was born!) What I can't decide is whether to tell my DD this. DGD was off her food but very cuddly yesterday and I think I'm being blamed a bit for allowing her to "go hungry" so that she got into a bad mood (but I didn't! I was offering all her fav food on a 1/2 hourly basis through the afternoon!) so of course I feel a bit defensive about that, but my feelings are the least important here, I'll cope! We can't send the baby back (!) so DGD will have to learn to
live with the new setup; and I worry that if I tell Mum it will upset her (and her MH is a bit rocky anyway).

If you were her Mum, would you want to know what DGD said?

YABU - just tell her, she should know what her little one said. She's probably said it at home already.

YANBU - don't tell her, nothing can be changed and it might make it worse if Mum feels bad/guilty, as she may well do (knowing her as I do!)

I would gently say something. Just phrase it as a way of giving mum the heads up. No blame or guilt tripping. A difficult situation!

I would tell them. I'm sure they are already aware of how their DD is feeling, but you need to let them know. I'd want to know if it was my DD!

@dotinggrannie

Why was your daughter accusing you of letting DGD go hungry??

Your Dd sounds a bit ungrateful.

My Nana was my favourite person in the whole world. Her love was completely unconditional & I always knew she was in my corner, it's a very special relationship.

I wouldn't say anything, I don't think it'll get you anywhere.

could you invite DGD for a sleepover?

she'll get used to the little imposter, but nothing wrong with her still feeling special at your house.

DGD slept here once before DGS was born, and I'm happy for her to do so again but not regularly - I have my own sleep and sanity to protect!

She knows that I'm her brother's grandma too, but that she's my only granddaughter, "and that's special".

My DD has suggested that perhaps DGD was in a bad mood and wouldn't do as asked because she was hungry. Well, if she was indeed hungry, it wasn't for want of her choice of snacks being put infront of her! But as I said, I don't want to get defensive over that as it's not really that important compared to what everyone else is feeling.

You sound like a really lovely, thoughtful mum/grandma.

I think it would be fine to tell your daughter that DGD threw a bit of a wobbly about the whole new baby situation and that she cried etc. But I don't think you should include the detail that she said she wanted to come and live with you, as I think that's the thing that's most likely to be hurtful/worrying/guilt-inducing for your daughter.

So I think I would frame it as 'How's she been doing at home? She did have a proper tearful meltdown about her baby brother at one point when she was with me, so I was wondering how she's been the rest of the time. Obviously we had a cuddle and I reassured her just like you've been doing, but let me know if there's anything in particular you'd like me to say if it happens again' and I would also praise your daughter and son-in-law for everything they're doing to help DGD adjust so far, and reassure your daughter that your DGD's reaction to the new baby is incredibly normal and common for a two-year-old.

My nephew was two when my niece was born and he was extremely miffed by her arrival. When she was a couple of weeks old she was in her baby carrier/seat thing ready to be taken out somewhere, and he attempted to hide her in a cupboard. When my brother said 'What are you doing?' he shouted 'Tidying her ALL UP! You need put her AWAY now!' 😳

My nephew was two when my niece was born and he was extremely miffed by her arrival. When she was a couple of weeks old she was in her baby carrier/seat thing ready to be taken out somewhere, and he attempted to hide her in a cupboard. When my brother said 'What are you doing?' he shouted 'Tidying her ALL UP! You need put her AWAY now!'

I LOVE this! 😂

Awww you sound like a lovely granny!

I wouldn’t mention it TBH. Your DD is no doubt well aware that DGD feels like this and if she’s saying that to you she’s probably saying similar at home.

DD is probably exhausted and overwhelmed which resulted in her being ungrateful for your obviously lovely care for her DD. Unless this is a pattern, I’d ignore her x

I’m going against the grain here I probably wouldn’t say anything your dds emotions will be absolutely all over the place 2 weeks pp and she probably has very deep mum guilt already best not to make matters harder on her emotions ❤️

You sound like a fantastic grandma and mum. If you know they’re already doing lots to reassure and include your GD then I wouldn’t mention it and add any more stress. Sounds like a totally normal thing for a two year old to say shortly after the arrival of their sibling, my eldest was very similar. I already felt bad about her being upset about it and hearing a story like that wouldn’t have helped!

Talk to your DGD and tell her that everyone still loves her just as much as before and her brother won't take her mother's or father's love away, each baby brings more love with them... it just means there is more love to go around not less. Tell her that you love her.... ask her if she feels loved by you? Tell her you also love her Mummy, just as much as you loved her when she was born and that never changes even if you love more people than you did before. Tell her that she will always be loved by you, that you both love her Mummy and Daddy and you will all love the baby too. And when the baby is older, you can all do fun things together.. and separately... she might not be able to express her feelings but she will understand.

I wouldn't say anything. This phase will be over as quick as it arrived and it's pointless turning it into an issue by saying something. Almost all children go through this adjustment at the birth of a sibling. It's life unfortunately. My sister thought I was the midwife's baby and when the midwife visited my sister kept asking her when she was going to take me back home. The sky didn't fall down. Nobody suffered any long term emotional trauma.