I don't think I can do this anymore

[pregahes]

I'm late thirties and have been trying for a baby five years now. Many losses, and I just don't think I can do this anymore.

Took a pregnancy test today after spending many more thousands on mediation and tests at a private GP and it's negative.

I rarely enjoy sex especially at ovulation, it's too much.

I'm starting to be unable to envisage life with or without children I feel like either way is becoming a mistake.

I feel like I should pause and take a break but I don't have much time left.

So sorry to bear your struggles, it must be heartbreaking. I definitely think you should take a little break for your mental health. Maybe look at some counselling sp you can get your head straight with either outcome. Also could tou explore adoption ? It may be that having a back yp option like adoption helps you to put TTC into perspective if it takes much longer.

it’s ok if you feel like you can’t do it anymore and to also have the deep need for a child. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and that there isn’t anything magic anyone can say to heal this pain. All I can offer is a un-mumsnet hug

@Sofaz34 please don’t tell women struggling with fertility to adopt 🙄

OP, I’m so sorry at the heartache you’ve endured. Maybe a short break to catch your breath would be an idea. Are you having counselling? My IVF counsellor helped me so much to manage my emotions at the very bleakest times x

I had my ds as a teen mum. Met my dh and tried umpteen goes of iui and ivf (both have issues) we never conceived and it was (is) heartbreaking and soul destroying.
We stopped trying, not due to age but the stress it was causing.
Now (WAY too late) , i wish that we had taken a break and then reconsidered our options, although our decision at that time was most definitely the right decision, there are still days of ' if only '
Take care and time for yourselves. Take a breath, have a break and then regroup to find out where you both want to go.
Repeated treatments takes its toll on relationships, emotions (my dh worked so hard to love and support me while dealing with his own), but the impact on your body with hormonal levels, both physically and emotionally is immense x x
Sending hugs and a hand hold x x

I’m sorry to hear it’t not working for you.

i haven’t travelled in your shoes but yes to taking a break. You can’t draw from an empty well.

I am also a fan of planning so would certainly suggest taking time to really think about life without children. Is your career fulfilling and could you see being able to devote time to it and climbing the ladder? Or step sideways into an adventure.

Would you foster or adopt? Are you that sort of person? Would you take the opportunity to travel? Would you put time into volunteering or commit to donating if you start earning more?

I would look at all those things, discuss with my partner and then move forward a little happier in my clarity of mind. But that’s just me.

I wish you the best.

Have you been to a fertility specialist? If not, I would prioritise that ASAP. It’s unlikely to be too late if you’re still in your 30s and they will be able to set out all of the medical options for you.

Have the doctors ever given you a reason for the losses? If not, that’s the first place to start as it sounds like you can get pregnant but staying pregnant is a problem.

If it’s too expensive or difficult to access fertility treatment in the UK maybe consider options in cheaper countries. Even with the cost of travel it may be cheaper.

If you aren’t already in therapy you should also really consider that. A counsellor who is trained in grief and trauma would probably be really helpful in your situation.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s really tough and you’ve been very brave to keep going.

I'm sorry. Big hugs 🫂 x

I’m so sorry, it’s incredibly difficult, and sounds like you need to take a break.

Every woman struggling with infertility has already heard of adoption. It’s rarely a helpful suggestion.

So sorry OP. I really do understand what you mean. It is so tiring 💐

Has partner had a semen analysis? Is he on vitamins / supplements? We put alot of blame on our own fertility when sometimes we need to put more focus on the males side too.

So sorry for your losses and how you’re feeling at the moment. I’m thirty nine and recently had a baby after four years and three rounds of IVF so I have some knowledge of how infertility can make you feel.

I agree with the posters above that specialist fertility counselling would likely be helpful and that (if you’re not already), seeing a gynaecologist/ recurrent miscarriage specialist rather than GP to get some advice on possible treatment and testing options might help you see your next steps more clearly

Hi to everyone and thank you - 🤩 be explored every avenue including;

Adoption (not for me)

Surrogacy (can't be bothered with it to be completely honest with you sounds like too much trust and hassle required)

IVF (as an earlier poster suggested I've since been told this isn't as solution as staying pregnant is the issue not conception)

Medication (I've seen all doctors and the last one is my last attempt he said meds should fix it, it's been a few months since trying this)

Just thoughts I'd fill you in with on the history x

@Sofaz34 I am sure you mean well but I I agree with other posters - I only know of hat adoption is and it r really isn't helpful asking fertility suffers if they have thought about about it..:of course they have!

Sorry to hear you're struggling OP. I have friends with and without kids. Some with kids who generally regret having them and some without who regret not having them. And even then, their views change depend what's happening in their lives. There is no right answer, just acceptance. Maybe consider a therapist to help with the process of accepting whatever outcome.

I have no idea of your circumstances but it seems a terrible shame to generally not enjoy sex. Maybe talk to your partner about how that can be made more enjoyable for you and what physical actions can be avoided if they cause pain.

Best of luck whatever your future holds.

I'm sorry for your losses. It's a very painful journey.

I've had 3 losses already, going through IVF. For me it's also very difficult to conceive.

Have they told you the reason for the losses? As in, have they analysed the baby's tissue? In my case the tissue came back as chromosomally normal.

I'm seeing a Reproductive Immunologist, which is a whole new science and they could find the reason for your losses. I'm still trying but it's the only doctor that has found a reason for the losses and I've seen many specialists.

I would suggest to take a 3-6 month break, then make a plan on what step is next...

It’s not clear if you’ve seen an actual fertility specialist? My gynaecologist and GP were actually quite clueless compared to the fertility specialist I saw and it was only after seeing that specialist that things started to change. For example, I had a biopsy done to check for chronic endometritis which can be a cause of recurrent loss and also implantation failure, which was positive and treated successfully with antibiotics. There are no other symptoms so you wouldn’t otherwise know if you have it.

I'm very sorry OP I was in your position 20 years ago (slightly different but close enough). The advantage to IVF is that it's the best way for them to assess the quality of your eggs and they also get to choose the healthiest blastocytes which might give you a better chance. Another vote for fertility expert (though this may be the doctor you refer to) as there are other issues including progesterone insufficiency (I had to give myself daily injections) and since I tried like the work on NK cells and treatment with steroids.

I think taking a break is a good idea even if only 3-6 months. The pressure is unbearable - give yourself a break and clear your head a bit.

I hope you are ok, have you seen the recurrent miscarriage team, they prescribed me aspirin, daily fragmin and progesterone (due to my age and they could see no other reason for my miscarriages (also lost another one taking that lot) on my last and successful pregnancy (had my son 6 weeks before I turned 44) I took the supplement NAC before conception and continued taking it throughout the pregnancy and I totally believe this is what helped get my little one here. Google NAC and recurrent miscarriage. Take a break to rest your body and mind and look into the supplements. I wish you well xx

Also take Ubiquinol if you aren’t already to preserve the health of your eggs if you still feel you may want to conceive x

@pregahes I hear you completely. I'm 38 and going through my 5th pregnancy loss.

I don't have the strength to think about starting again with ovulation tests.

I wont give you any advice because I know you will have already tried 1,000 things (and if you have tried 1,000 things I won't suggest that maybe you're trying too hard and you need to just relax...). And I wont suggest adoption!

Just some solidarity that repeated pregnancy loss is just s*!

Telling someone in this situation to relax is just as bad as telling them to adopt.

OP I am so sorry. I had recurrent miscarriages and went to the recurrent miscarriages clinic at St Mary's Paddington. I had a blood clotting disorder. Worth a referral? Look up Professor Regan and her book. The clinic was packed with women and we were all treated with such Empathy.

I only conceived the once and I miscarried at 12 weeks. We also considered and decided against the other options and were quite fatalistic about it in the end.

We didn't take a break as such but we realised in our early 40s that it just wasn't going to happen for us. It was a huge relief actually and it felt like a weight had been lifted and it meant we could start planning - and enjoying - the rest of our lives.

I wish you the best and I hope you find your peace ❤