AIBU to want to know what happened? Trigger warning: possible child abuse

[HairEyebrowsLipsEtc]

Name changed as potentially identifying and don’t want this linked to other posts….

I moved to a lovely village last year with DH and DDs - lovely and close knit community, making lots of friends, DDs loving village life, I’ve joined the PTA etc - all very idyllic, but I found out from one of my new friends that one of the other parents in the village was charged by the police with child sexual exploitation a few years ago. Apparently he was arrested (and it was covered by local news at the time) and went to court, but found not guilty - but although I can find media stories about his arrest, I can’t find any information about the trial.

I really want to find out what happened. DD2 is becoming friends with this man’s DD and I don’t know what to do. Everyone in the village seems determined that he’s not guilty because that was the outcome in court, but without knowing why he was found not guilty I can’t trust this - lack of evidence doesn’t equal lack of guilt, and the police had enough confidence at the time he was arrested to publicise it, so they must have been fairly confident of his guilt? I’ve tried asking my friend but she seemed annoyed with me for asking and it’s so difficult because she allows her children to go to his house to play with his daughter, it must seem like I’m judging her decisions by asking more about him. But I can’t let it lie - DD2 is primary age and asking to go over there, and I can’t explain to her the real reason I won’t allow it. I feel so bad for this man’s DD who seems like a lovely girl and who DD2 gets on really well with ☹️

So to get to my AIBU - am I unreasonable to want to see some sort of transcript of this man’s trial, so I can judge whether he could be a risk to DD2? I’ve tried searching and assumed this would be in the public domain but can’t find anything, only the media reports from when he was first arrested. If I’m not being unreasonable to want this information, where can I find it?

This is a tricky one. My initial reaction was that he was found not guilty, and that is was unfair to keep dogging an innocent person with this.

Then I thought what would I do if it was my DD?? There is absolutely no realistic way I would be comfortable putting her in the middle of this. I would be keeping my distance.

Plenty of ways your dd can maintain a friendship without going to the friend's home.

Imagine if you sent your DD to his house, all seems well, so it becomes a regular thing. It goes on for years, maybe.

Then you get a phonecall from the police, as there have been allegations from another child and yours and your DD's names have come up when they made enquiries.

It turns out your DD has been groomed and abused by this man. One day, she realises (or you tell her) that there was a red flag that you ignored.

There was a less official red flag for my parents. An older girl from sports club (now a young adult who no longer attended) approached us at a restaurant, having recognised me.

She had had a few drinks maybe but wasn't out of it. She got very upset and begged mum and dad not to take me to that club anymore, and told them that he had raped her. Imagine being about 18 and so worried for a younger girl that you blurt out about your rape to her middle aged dad you don't know?

That red flag got ignored by my parents, but I was the one that paid the price for it.

If you care what the neighbours think of your rules then you can have the same rule (no play dates without you present or no sleepovers or whatever) for all children.

She's not saying he should be hung, just that she doesn't want to take any risks with her daughter

You've got some great advice particularly from @LuvSmallDogs. I wouldn't send my daughter there.

Abusers are charming, any woman on here who has experienced dv or cse will tell you that their abusers are highly regarded and liked in their social circles.

And convicting someone and sending them to prison is very different to not being willing to take what could be a tiny risk with one's own child. I wouldn't convict a man who has been accused of cse without a lot of evidence but I definitely wouldn't leave a child alone with him.

if there was enough evidence to publicise the arrest and take it to trial, that’s surely a lot of evidence!

This isn't necessarily true.

I've been a witness at a court case where even the investigating police officers couldn't believe the CPS decided to prosecute and the Judge effectively said the same thing in the summing up. Certainly wasn't in the public interest and will have cost the taxpayer a lot of money.

I've also been on Jury duty where it was questionable whether it should have even made it to court.

In both instances the accused was found not guilty and IMO, quite rightly so!