Antagonism that can exist between partnered women and single women?

[yellowbowls]

This is after reading a post on LSA the other day about the kind of antagonism that can exist between partnered women and single women. I know it isn't always by any means but it is something I have encountered in my own life.

So for example my SIL (my DH's older sister) is single (never married) and had been treated badly by men in the past and can be quite vocal now on how married or coupled up women are mugs and spend their lives slaving after a man because they are afraid to be alone and that men will cheat and leave the minute something better comes along.

My other SIL who is married to DH's younger brother will then say that the other SIL is just jealous and bitter that she could never keep a man interested enough to get a proposal.

I personally think that there are pro's and con's to both situations but that on being married to a man I love and have been with since I have been 19 is preferable to being single however I'm aware that could change but to this point my Dh hasn't ever done anything to make me not trust him or not want him. Yes in any relationship you have to make some compromises to make it work and consider your partner when you are making decisions from the mundane to the life changing and single women are freer to do what they want depending on other circumstances.

I feel like both ways of living are valid and have lots to offer but I think it stinks when a married woman says all single women must be miserable and bitter or when a single woman tries to undermine a married woman by saying she is scared to be alone or conditioned by society to slave to a man.

I've seen it on here with women replying to women who claim to have happy marriages and good husbands that they will find out in the end how men are without accepting that some relationships can be beneficial.

Why can't we just be supportive of each others choices and experience without trying to undermine each other?

Society doesn’t like or encourage women to be single. It can be quite hard and seen as abnormal to be single.

@Namenamchange I think I kind of understand this as I chose to be childfree and people have quite strong views on that!

Being single is often viewed as a temporary and undesirable state with being married/coupled as the end goal. It can be met with disbelief/anger/pity when a woman explains she is happy single for the foreseeable future

FWIW population-level statistics strongly back up the singletons. So in that sense YABU.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

I don't have a problem with being single I think it has a lot to recommend it but a happy marriage is also great. What I don't get is how each often dunk on the other, surly its different stroke for different folks?

In my experience women can also make rude comments if you have only had one relationship I’ve been with my DP since I was 19 and we have now been together 19 years and I get comments made about how boring my sex life must be and how I’ve missed out these comments have been from both single and coupled women . I find it bizarre as I never voice any opinion on other peoples relationship status .

Single women have often had long term relationships (with happy times) and decided on balance, that being single is better for them. I dont think there would be any dunking from either side if society presented being single as valid in the same way it does being partnered.

I have experienced this as well, as if I am super sheltered and basic. When I've had quite an adventurous life. I suppose you can't really control how others perceive you and often times it feels like everyone needs to feel like they are winning whatever that means to them.

Yeah tbh I don’t understand why people can’t just believe different strokes for different folks. I’m happily married, it’s better than when I was single because I really really love my husband and he’s not a dick. But there were other relationships which were a relief to end and I was definitely better off single (and happier).

@yellowbowls yeah I’ve felt the same when I’m anything but sheltered . In most capacities like work or hobbies you aren’t meeting someone’s partner or spouse anyway so I never feel the need to discuss my relationship or anyone else’s it really baffles me .

SIL is just jealous and bitter that she could never keep a man interested enough to get a proposal

What an absolutely vile comment by your married SIL. Is she always such a cunt? Disgusting.

No wonder your other SIL feels defensive.

They both sound rude 🤷‍♀️

Neither of your SiLs understand the difference between their 'lived experience' and the definitive truth. Both also seem to need to believe their choices are superior, and other women are envious of them, which is often the case when people lack confidence in their own choices, or do wonder if the grass is greener.
People happy and confident with their lives neither feel the need to ram that home, or take offence when other people are negative about their choices, they just quietly live their lives how they please and let other people do the same.

Sorry, I have to call that article out as complete bunk.
If you look at the data itself you see that Dolan misinterprets several areas and then extrapolates from them.

As it happens, that ATUS shows that women who have never been married and have no children report the lowest happiness of all groups.

@CoatRack That's interesting as I have heard that Data myself. I suppose many women are in not so great marriages and being single would be infinitely preferable to being in a bad marriage. I also think that women in general can be fairly self sufficient when living alone and still have a nice standard of living where as men seem to struggle with making a decent home for themselves and developing a rounded social life although that might just be the one's I know!

Interesting discussion!
I am a single woman. I am happy with my life, but I can also be a bit sad about being single sometimes. I would really like to meet someone, to date, and to marry, but I have been unlucky in my love life (not unlucky as in several broken relationships behind me, unlucky as in it's difficult for me to meet someone.)

I have many female friends. Some are married, some are in relationships, some are single. I love all of them. We have fun together, whether or not we have the same relationship status.

What annoys me sometimes is that many people (not just women) seem to think that marriage is a "stamp of approval". In a "I am married, therefore I am worthy"- kind of way. The ring on their finger shows the world that they are lovable and desirable.
So if you are single, you do not have that stamp of approval.

This article explains it well:
https://time.com/6202816/marriage-status-bump-privilege/

I also think it's the stamp of approval-thing that makes many women reluctant to propose marriage to their partners. I see it here on Mumsnet all the time. Women who are waiting for a proposal, year in and year out. People suggest: You can propose to him!
The woman writes every explanation under the sun for why she can not propose.
I find that odd - You want him to propose, so you want to marry him. Then, propose to him! You want to spend the rest of your life with him, why not ask him?
No, but if she proposes, that means she is giving HIM a stamp of approval, not the other way around. She had to "chase" him, not the other way around.

Also, sometimes when I read here on Mumsnet, I am REALLY happy to be single, because some people seem to HATE (or dislike) their spouses! (I know, people are more likely to come here to complain/vent than to compliment/praise their partners. It is definitely a good place to vent.)
But when a woman write that she doesn't like it when her spouse is at home, she doesn't like the personality of her spouse, etc. etc. So divorce him then! (And I know, many people do divorce).

I am nearly 30 years married and 3 of my closest friends are single . 1 through choice , one because never the right chap 1 widowed. We all get on well. None of them have made me feel lesser because I am married.

@SkaneTos Thanks for that brilliant and nuanced post! I get what you say about the seal of approval marriage can supposedly give, except some of the coolest and most attractive women I know are single because they haven't yet met a man (or woman) worth giving their singledom up for yet so I do think its kind of bogus but I know that it is is a societal pressure and judgement women face. As usual we are damned every which way!

Single here. IME there IS some antagonism between the two cohorts.

Most of the single women that I know (with out w/o children) are capable, resilient and in that situation by choice or due to breakdown of a marriage. Many are working FT and juggling a lot.

Most of the married women I know seem to be less resilient, more codependent, more likely to struggle emotionally and can be a bit more removed from reality. However they do definitely think they are in a preferential position in their heteronormative glow!

The issue I have with relationships is the transactional nature of them and I can really see how apparent those transactions are in the relationships of hetero married friends --- e.g. he gets domestic support, sex and companionship and she gets a bit of that but a lot more financial security. It's not always black and white like that but as the marriage goes on you can see the role each person plays and it can be very dysfunctional.

A lot of women benefit financially from marriage and it's probably more important than many choose to acknowledge. The longer they stay in the marriage the more important that money is and it gives them far more advantage than singles. But at what price?

My vote goes to the women who can pay her own way and manage herself but society still rewards the marrieds everytime.