I Am Being Unreasonable I think

[TroubledMum100]

So my question is this...is there any point in standing up to your DS's (18 and 20 yrs) and your partner for being their naturally lazy, selfish, digitally addicted selves? They do have many redeeming features too!

When (every 6 months or so) I lose it a bit (it will be because a number of things have happened in close succession in a day or over a few days) and I start getting upset/angry/venting, I just get mocked and written off as unreasonable. In the end am I just damaging my relationship with them or am I teaching them something valuable? Any thoughts wise ones?

What are you standing up to them about?

not pulling their weight in the household? Have at it. It’s a hill to die on

their choice of hobby? At this point it’s not really your decision.

their politics? Again, not your call.

what they like to eat? As long as they cook for themselves, they are adults and can choose their own meals. They can also shop and clean.

Sounds like they've trained you well.

Not doing the things they say they will do mainly - can vary enormously. In most cases they are things they should be doing for themselves and for their own benefit not for mine.

Stop doing these things for them and the issue will be solved surely?

if they are used to having every meal cooked and put in front of them why would they make something for themselves? I’m sure if you walked to the dinner table with a meal for one they would soon be in the kitchen making something.

Stop doing their washing and I’m sure once they run out of clean clothes to wear, they’ll get the hint and do some washing of their own.

it seems that you are as much of the issue as they are. you can’t do everything for everyone and then moan because nobody does anything.

It's not cooking/cleaning etc. That's all fine. I'm not a complete pushover.

My question is "should I stand up for myself (given their age), or just shrug it off and stay quiet". Is endurance, perseverance and unreserved kindness the way to go with that age group, or do you think they will look back in years to come and think "Mum was right to complain" and "I will be careful that this is not my wife in years to come".

It really depends on what the thing is.

"Standing up for yourself" with regard to something important that really matters is worthwhile.

"Standing up for yourself" and refusing to compromise over something minor is probably not worthwhile and will breed resentment.

So it's impossible to say without more details, imo.

Yep, you need to say what the things are as I, and I'm probably not alone, presumed you meant cooking, cleaning etc

More context needed.

So I work full-time but maybe in a day I will

• fix our mortgage rate
• organise a surprise party
• try to get one of them work experience
• buy them new toiletries on way home
• start to plan a summer holiday
• give them a lift to a party
• deal with other family members needs
• etc etc etc

Things like that (different every day)...I step up, step in, get on with multiple things.

I will return home to find they are all moving around the house on digital screens laughing at stupid stuff having failed to do any of the small contributions to the above / definitely they wont have done anything above and beyond and even DH has only scrapped through to do the min or he hasnt because he's got distracted on something random.

It just sometimes hacks me off and I can't repress it sometimes.

The first and last on your list are the only things I'd do. Let them sort their own lives out.

I agree with @FuzzyPuffling

If they've run out of toiletries, tough luck.
They need a lift to a party? They can walk or get the bus, or not go.
Surprise party for them? I wouldn't bother.
Summer holiday? Hard I know, but go without, or go with a friend.
I myself do the majority of things on your list, but my family are busy and grateful otherwise it wouldn't be happening.

They should be working to buy their own toiletries.
They can organise their own holidays at that age.
They can organise their own work experience, you can offer support if needed but not do everything for them.
When they’re older if you and DH have modelled caring for family members hopefully they will become less self centred, but usually at that age we just 5ink about our own needs.
They need to learn skills to become i dependent and be able to survive away from home successfully so do own washing, take turns at shopping and cooking.
Can you get the whole family to sit down and plan a wayto make the workload fair with them choosing what they want to be responsible for?
If you carry on giving while feeling taken for granted nothing will change.
Can you book a holiday for just you and leave them all to it?
Stand your ground OP and make sure you are happy with your life and that they turn into great future partners/housemates.

If you keep doing things then the “children” won’t learn to do it for themselves.

tell them that anything like buying new toileteries or sorting work experience is their responsibility now they are adults.

Stop doing the things. They are in charge of their lives.
If its important to them they'll do it, if it isn't they won't and it won't matter.

There's no need to get angry, just be clear and mean it. When faced with inevitable strops maintain the line.

Just stop doing it yourself. I'm sure they manage to buy their own toiletries,they can get a taxi to a party, book yourself a holiday...
You must have been enabling them all their lives for them to turn out like this

they can do their own shopping. They can even do the shopping for the whole household.

are they working or in full-time education? If not, that is what needs to change. With rare exception, an 18 or 20 year old either needs to have a full time, a full-time education course, or a combination of the two. If they don’t, then it is time for some tough love. Living in your house should be contingent on actively working on establishing their futures.

I'd leave your DSs to get on with whatever they're doing. When I was about 13 I kept forgetting to take my packed lunch to school so my mum just stopped making it for me. I learnt to fend for myself. It sounds like your kids need to do that, too.

Your DH needs a good kick up the arse by the sounds of it. I'd expect more from him.

Stop buying them toiletries. They get their own.

stop giving them lifts. DH can or they find their own way

DH or them can sort work experience

give them chores, so own washing, ironing, cook tea twice a week each etc. if they dont do them then no washing, no food for them, you just make something for your self

If you want to be really sure things are done, get a whiteboard for your kitchen with everybody’s name on and a list with their jobs for the day to tick off.

Empty the bin
unload dishwasher
put washing away
hoover upstairs
walk dog
etc, etc

they need to tick them off when they’re done and if they arent there should be consequences like wifi being turned off early in the evening, phones taken away etc. YOU are the parent so set the rules and stop doing everything for everyone.

learn to say no. If you usually deal with things with your partners family. Arranging get togethers or presents etc, let them know that respectfully from now onwards your husband is responsible for all of that as you have enough on your plate and you’re feeling burnt out. Women are constantly taking on responsibilities unnecessarily for others and then wondering why they’re resentful.