Having An Operation-not telling family

[ZekeZeke]

I've to have an operation on my spine next week. I'm having rods and a titanium cage inserted in my spine to help with my back issues ans will be in hospital for a week.
DH and DS know but I haven't told my mother or sisters. We are close, see each other every week.
There has been a lot of family illness over the past 2 years and I didn't want to worry them more. Plus I hate the thoughts of the head tilts, multiple questions, text messages wishing me good luck etc...
DH thinks I should tell them. I was going to tell them after the surgery (when I'm home).

Obviously it's 100% your choice, but if you're close and see each other every week, then I think it will seem odd to them if you don't tell them.

My mum is a great one for not telling us about things until after they've happened because she 'didn't want to worry us' or 'thought we'd had enough bad news this year' etc.

The problem is that because she keeps not telling us things because she 'doesn't want to worry us', we now just basically worry all the time because we never know if there's something going on that she isn't telling us.

I do understand that you don't want the questions and the head tilts etc. I hate people feeling sorry for me sometimes too! And also, sometimes you just get really bloody bored of talking about these things and just don't want to have to explain how you're getting on and what you're having done for the umpteenth time. But presumably your mum and sister know that you have a problem with your back? So this is unlikely to come out of the blue?

I agree with PP. Also, the reaction might be even more inflated if you tell them afterwards which presumably is something you want to avoid. You could always preface the message with something like "I dont want this to be a big deal" or "please can we not talk about it loads but.." etc. Good luck with the op!

I had a major pancreas surgery and told family but only a few friends. They all found out anyway as they were that worried if not been on my phone for 2wks they contacted my ex partner anyway. I knew I’d be too sick to reply to messages and I didn’t want to appear like I was annoying anyone

I did this recently, had an op and only told my husband and children. Told them after, just said i didn’t want to worry them which is true but I also didn’t want to talk about it or be questioned. You’re the one going through it so do what you think works best.

DD had the same surgery a few years ago. If you’re close with them then I feel it would be very strange and would send mixed messages if you didn’t tell them about it. Not telling your mother is completely bizarre if I’m honest. It’s major surgery with a long and difficult recovery, genuinely you need all the help and support from your family that you can get

If you’re close to them surely you communicate regularly? How on earth are you planning on hiding a week’s stay in hospital? Really strange thing to do OP.

I see them weekly, I don't message daily.
Coincidently, they are going to an event the evening I usually visit so no excuses needed.

I just don't want any dramatics. They will insist on visiting me at the hospital, I don't want visitors. They can be quite overbearing.
My Mother is a narcissist and makes things about her. I love.thrm.but I don't want to see them

It is your choice. Would you be ok if they had the same operation and didn't tell you beforehand? If you would be totally fine with that - then I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I personally would tell them. If something goes wrong or there are complications and they only find out at that point - they will be shocked and unprepared for it.

I would not like it if close family of mine kept it from me. I would worry what else they were keeping from me.

I’ve had ops and procedures and not told anybody apart from DH.
I don’t like the fuss, but also I find other people can cause you anxiety if they know beforehand with comments like ‘I know somebody who had that done they … insert worst case scenario . . . .