Traumatic event, my child won't talk about it

[Rosemary1981]

We were at a friends house last week and her husband had a major heart attack.

Unfortunately the children saw it all, thankfully he is in hospital doing well but not quite out the woods yet.

We are doing all we can to be supportive, and offering practical help with shopping, and meals ect, as well as emotional support to them all.

Unfortunately my own child won't talk about it, child is under 8 and just keeps saying "I'm fine".

I am still very shaken up about it myself, so I can't imagine what it must have all looked like for a child. I am worried.

We are all very close friends, I asked my child if they wanted to make a get well card, in a hope they might have questions or to open up a conversation but they said they didn't want to.

This is very unusual for my child. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. I guess I just need to hold on a little and keep a very close eye, I feel like they are in shock and have shut down.

Has anyone been through similar and can offer advice thank you

Kids can be affected by things we don't realise are a big deal (dead animal on the road) yet seem indifferent to serious illness, it's not always logical to us. Remember as far as your child is concerned, the friend was ill, went to hospital and the drs have fixed him - you know it's a lot more complex but your child doesn't understand the nuances of heart damage following heart attacks!

Just answer questions but I wouldn't overly worry

This. He may very well be fine. As adults, we think about what the outcome might have been, but children don't.

My daughter witnessed her younger sister having seizures two years ago, she was four at the time she witnessed them. It was traumatic for her, especially because of the panic the first time it happened as we initially thought her younger sister was dead, and the waiting for the ambulance and seeing how stressed we were about it. The next one was also fairly traumatic and unexpected. She didn’t want to talk about it initially, then went through a phase of asking the same questions repeatedly about the incidents, often ones that wouldn’t occur to me to ask. She had some counselling at school which helped a lot but is still quite on edge and anxious when she thinks her sister is unwell, as the seizures were febrile. Although I was older, a teenager, my family went through a difficult time and everybody just said oh kids are resilient, she will be fine. I wasn’t, but I think it would have been a lot easier if I had know there was somebody to talk to about it if I needed it.

For a young child, and I suppose your child is on the cusp of youngness/decent understanding, I would probably make quite light of it and this is possible because it wasn't fatal and the friend's dh is improving. I agree that your child may well be completely fine - he hasn't got the understanding of an adult and you can just tell him X is doing well and don't press him anymore. Certainly don't let him see any of your trauma from it - be more breezy about it. It shouldn't affect him day to day as it isn't a member of his own household/class etc that he sees all the time.

You are ascribing adult emotions and feelings to a child and trying to push them to talk about something that probably hasn’t bothered them.

Please just drop it.

As a child I watched someone we knew (older man) fall over and smack his head on the pavement, blood everywhere, ambulance called. My friend who was with me was very shook up, I wasn't at all. In my head he had been taken care of in hospital and so was absolutely fine.

Children don't have the same comprehension that adults do.

Stop trying to inflict trauma and drama on your child when there is none.

You were upset and still are as you understand that he could have died and you. Will have thoughts about him, his wife and children and your own mortality etc.

Your child probably saw it as an inconvenience that you had to go home early.

They’re fine! Don’t project!
The world of adults is often quite distant to children. A grown up got ill, went to hospital, grown up is now fine

Children see and think about things alot differently to adults. To us we are thinking oh gosh he could have died, what will life be like for him now, how will they pay the mortgage etc.

but to your child this man was poorly, went to hospital and is now going to be ok.

Things that age don't process through talking, they process through play.

I wouldn't push it, give them time.

It may not have been at all traumatizing for him, and he’s not talking about it because there’s nothing to talk about.

Two people can have the same experience and have vastly different reactions to it. What will traumatize one person won’t even register with someone else, and that’s normal human variation.

It can be incredibly frustrating to have someone basically disregard you, project upon you what they believe you should be thinking/feeling, and accuse you of kidding yourself/burying your real feelings because they can’t comprehend that an entirely different person isn’t the same as them. Ime it also means that in the event that something does happen that bothers you, that they’re going to be the last person you’d trust to respect and support you.

If you keep pushing this I think you will traumatise your child. Children see things in black and white. Their minds are not as complex as adults. We'd be thinking about the potentially widowed wife, how she would pay the mortgage, deal with the children and a million other things. A child will see someone ill drop to the floor and get taken to hospital. Upsetting yes. Traumatising, no. Besides, you can't wrap them in cotton wool.

When I was six my father had a massive heart attack which I witnessed. The only thing I really remember is him collapsing, all hell breaking loose and me being taken in my pyjamas to sleep with a neighbour. I slept in the same room as my best friend next door that night and we giggled the night away.

I saw my friend get knocked over by a van around the age of 10. She was running for the school bus (we were at Middle School and caught a public service bus the 3 miles home). I witnessed her lying on the road not moving. The ambulance came and took her off the hospital. I got the bus home, walked into the house, burst into tears and blubbed to my mother what had happened. She picked up the phone and rang the hospital who reported that my friend was alive and now conscious. (Good old days before data protection/GDPR).
She thankfully survived with no lasting ill effects. I wouldn't say it traumatised me. Upset for a while - yes. Still remember it like it was yesterday. Even pointed out the spot where it happened to my DH on a visit to my home town. But I've never lost any sleep over it.