OLD and cleanliness

[BakerandBike]

I am a woman and have been on a couple of dates with a woman I like very much. We hit it off massively and agreed to spend more time together.

She has now invited me to dinner at her place, she lives in a rural village a few hours away and I would need to stay the night because there isn’t any public transport or even local taxis, we’re going slowly so sex isn’t really on the table right now.

My concern is her hygiene, nothing really bad, but enough to make me wonder about staying over, mainly clothing related I think.

I’m thinking if her standards about herself are a bit lax, the home may not be great either, and I don’t want to get stuck if it’s really bad.

The simple answer seems to be to end it, but the connection was unreal and I’m reluctant to let go for what might not be a huge problem, or an easily overcome problem. It’s a bit of a fly in the ointment.
I’ve not been in a situation like this before. What would you do?

I would really struggle to deal with poor hygiene. If you really like her then it might be worth very gently and kindly dropping some hints, or raising it, and see if anything changes.
What's the actual issue though? You say clothing related. Is she perhaps just not drying her clothes properly? That's one that's easily fixed.

More of a not having been washed for a good while scent rather than not properly dried musty, but not actually a classic underarms BO scent either IYSWIM.

What if the bed sheets haven’t been changed in forever once it’s time to sleep, I don’t think sleep would come easy then.

It’s too difficult for me to mention it I’m afraid, I’m uncomfortable even posting anonymously.

This would be a big put off for me. If you want to see her again to see if it the smell was a one off, maybe invite her to stay at yours instead. Then you can see her hygiene routine (if she asks to shower etc)

Take a sleeping bag and be prepared to sleep on the couch? If sex isn't on the agenda then she'll understand. Bit harsh to judge her home before you've even seen it!

I'm getting strong memories of the episode of And Just Like That where Miranda goes to her dream date's house and then finds that the woman is living in squalor and keeps treading in cat litter.

Ultimately, it seems to me that if you think she has poor personal hygiene around clothes and smells a bit grubby, then it doesn't really matter what her home is like, because you've already been put off.

Even if her home is actually pristine, you are unlikely to be physically attracted to her if she doesn't seem clean to you, surely?

I was going to say that maybe if her clothes just smell musty she has a problem with damp in her house that's proved hard to fix, but seeing your update that suggests they just smell like they haven't been washed for ages, it does sound more like a hygiene thing.

I'm not a very fastidious person by most standards but I think if someone smelled a bit off, I'd struggle to fancy them. Weirdly I think I'd rather smell mild BO than the smell of old unwashed clothes, although obviously I'd prefer to smell neither!

I suppose I was hoping it was just an unfortunate few days and it might pass.

Ultimately, I’m probably not ready to get stuck for a while with cat litter like Miranda!

@BakerandBike Is there any way you can invite her to yours instead? Just get to know her (and her hygiene levels) a little bit more before you venture into her home? I guess if she visits your house and says something 'Wow, it's so clean and tidy!' then you might get an idea of what she sees as normal?!

It is a tricky one, though, isn't it, especially as you obviously got along well with her.

I feel a bit awful saying this, but I have a brand new velvet sofa that I do not want any odours on… I had my BFF’s boyfriend sleeping on there and it did retain the odour of cigarettes and strong aftershave for a while, neither of which agree with me at all!

Get a hotel?

I think you need to either chalk this one up to experience and put away any thought of a relationship if you think this is a permanent issue. Or.....

Go to the sleepover and judge the situation- could it be short term as in washing machine has broken and waiting for fix? poverty related - can't afford laundrette and no washing machine in house etc.

If I had a genuine connection with someone, I would cautiously let it play out but have my emotional guard up.

If she smells and you can’t find any compromise (you don’t want her around your place in case she leaves smells on the furniture, and you don’t want to be around hers in case her house stinks) then why are you carrying on with her?

I get that you get on, but this is not going to work long term if you can’t even bear to be in her house or have her in yours, so that is irrelevant really. Also bear in mind you’ve known her such a short time, the connection might not even last.

It’s ultimately about what you’re willing to tolerate. Even if you do drop polite hints about her washing herself or her clothes, you shouldn’t have to do that to a grown woman.

I say you’re going to have to either move on and find someone whose hygiene meets your standards or spend some time in each other’s houses and go from there.

The other thing to think about is, when the time comes, do you really want to have sex with someone with questionable hygiene? Do you want to be hinting at her to shower beforehand?

Update for anyone interested.

We have just kept it at texting since my last message, and she naturally brought up the topic that instead of going out for the day yesterday, she was going to stay home to clean her house as she had lots of catching up to do.

I told her the easiest way I found to get through it was to hire a cleaner. She said she has hired one but is hesitant for a stranger to come to her home because it’s a trust issue.

I mentioned that some cleaners also change bedding and clean the inside of the fridge and other tasks like that some people dread, she agreed it all needs doing, and that she had stopped after half a day of cleaning but there was much more left to still be done and she will get there.

I am beginning to get the sense she may be quite profoundly depressed, and no judgement from me and I’m pleased she felt she could confide some things.

The situation has now resolved itself and I think visiting each other’s homes is permanently off the table as it’s not really a good time for her.

Thank you everyone who commented and offered some suggestions.