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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My partners female friend speaks to him about her relationship issues with her boyfriend

17 replies

Quickrunner91 · 22/01/2024 16:24

My partner and I have been together for several months and we're serious about each other. We've spoken about opposite sex friendships in the past and he's told me he doesn't have close female friends.

However, recently I noticed a woman had kept on calling him. I didn't look through his phone, it just lit up the screen and I kept seeing the same female name.

I felt worried and decided that I needed to get it off my chest and ask him about it. He said that he has known this woman for years. She works at his workplace. She calls him several times per week out of work hours and 'when she needs him'. She asks for work advice. She also shares issues in her relationship. She has confided in my partner about issues with her current boyfriend. My partner told me that he has alot in common with her which is why they are friends. He doesn't meet up with her outside of work because I suspect that her boyfriend wouldn't like that based on what my partner has told me about him.

I feel surprised and uncomfortable that this has sort of come out of the blue after months of being with him. I don't mind them being friendly but I'm not sure if her calling him multiple times a week when she needs emotional advice or support and sharing her relationship issues with my partner is going too far?
I really love my partner. I just don't know if I'm being silly and need putting in my place here. Any opinions would be appreciated!

OP posts:
BIinkii · 22/01/2024 16:35

If they are friends then I dont think its uncommon to call your friend for advice.

ginasevern · 22/01/2024 16:50

I wouldn't be comfortable with this and I don' think you are being silly at all. Her boyfriend obviously wouldn't like it either. He says he would meet up with her in person if it wasn't for the boyfriend. What about you? He doesn't seem to care much about your feelings in this.

I don't know how old you are but give this some thought before you declare undying love for him.

Wictc · 22/01/2024 16:52

How often do you call your friends for advice when you are going through something? Some people prefer calling to text, although not as common these days!

Icantbedoingwithit · 22/01/2024 16:52

No, wouldn’t bother me at all. That’s what friends do.

KrisAkabusi · 22/01/2024 16:54

He says he would meet up with her in person if it wasn't for the boyfriend. What about you? He doesn't seem to care much about your feelings in this.

No. The OP is assuming this, but he's never said it.

Simonjt · 22/01/2024 16:56

Thats part of friendship surely, if you were struggling and needed a bit of support, would you really avoid seeking help from all of your friends?

ChangeAgain2 · 22/01/2024 16:59

You've know him for 5 minutes.

Youcanpayit · 22/01/2024 17:02

I'd feel odd about it. He said he didn't have any close female friends, but I'd say one that calls several times a week and talks about her relationship issues would be regarded as close.

baldpenguine · 22/01/2024 17:04

Quickrunner91 · 22/01/2024 16:24

My partner and I have been together for several months and we're serious about each other. We've spoken about opposite sex friendships in the past and he's told me he doesn't have close female friends.

However, recently I noticed a woman had kept on calling him. I didn't look through his phone, it just lit up the screen and I kept seeing the same female name.

I felt worried and decided that I needed to get it off my chest and ask him about it. He said that he has known this woman for years. She works at his workplace. She calls him several times per week out of work hours and 'when she needs him'. She asks for work advice. She also shares issues in her relationship. She has confided in my partner about issues with her current boyfriend. My partner told me that he has alot in common with her which is why they are friends. He doesn't meet up with her outside of work because I suspect that her boyfriend wouldn't like that based on what my partner has told me about him.

I feel surprised and uncomfortable that this has sort of come out of the blue after months of being with him. I don't mind them being friendly but I'm not sure if her calling him multiple times a week when she needs emotional advice or support and sharing her relationship issues with my partner is going too far?
I really love my partner. I just don't know if I'm being silly and need putting in my place here. Any opinions would be appreciated!

This is literally word for word what I was told when my 'd' h started an affair. This is how the affair started.

I know not all men are like this and I know this is very worst case scenario. What I'm trying to say is that none of us on here will know if its innocent friendship or something else.

Harrietsaunt · 22/01/2024 17:05

I’m the jealous type, so I don’t go out with men who have female friends they meet up with 1:1. Etc

I don’t think he’s necessarily wrong, but it appears you are incompatible.

2under4 · 22/01/2024 17:27

Does he have lots of chats with other friends or family members? I wouldn't care about a bf talking to a friend (male or female) about "real" things in their lives such as relationships, but it does sound like a lot of contact. Unless he is someone who is never off his phone, and is just an extremely chatty person. Otherwise it would ring alarm bells for me too.

ellie09 · 22/01/2024 17:38

Oh just watch for this! I wouldnt end it, but I would have some caution etc!

My last partner didnt have many real life friends. He was very upfront that he had a few female friends from the beginning but I didnt know much about them, I assumed from uni, work etc.

It turned out most of them were girls he had met through dating apps (?!) But never materialised beyond a friendship. A few he had never even met except texting. A couple he had met only once!

I also tried to put it to the back of my mind until one day, I noticed flirty texts etc. With kissy, love heart emoji. Realised they were from one of these girls.

There was one particular girl we had a fight about early on in the relationship. He was liking all her pics. She was liking all his. Except the posts/pics with me or her partner which I found incredibly odd - as wouldnt friends be happy for you?

Anyhow, she musnt have been that good a friend as he deleted her off everything. Once I learned the extent of his "connections" with these so called "friends", it was far too immature for my liking.

Didimum · 22/01/2024 17:46

Tale as old of time. It's not appropriate for people in relationships to be lamenting about their partners to people of the opposite sex – other problems sure. Your boyfriend should be keeping this at arm's length and setting boundaries.

Ladybrrrd · 22/01/2024 17:47

My DH has mostly female friends, had a best woman at the wedding, and vice versa with me. It's not something you can dictate, especially so early on.

If someone I was dating told me they wanted to put a stop to any of my friendships because they were paranoid, I'd tell them where to go!

If he was sneaking around about it, maybe you'd have a reason, but he isn't. He's told you about it. You either trust him or you don't.

Loopytiles · 22/01/2024 17:52

I’m relaxed about friendships, but the lying and this behaviour from a boyfriend would put me off enough to think about ending the relationship.

At best it’s dishonesty and poor boundaries. At worst he’s ‘keeping one in the wings’.

Alessya · 22/01/2024 18:03

What rings alarm bells to me is the way she’s using him as her emotional support person. She’s calling him for her needs - advice, support, to blow off steam about her relationship, whatever. A female friendship is fine if based around common interests like rugby or dogwalking or whatever but this isn’t that, this is him being her emotional support when that should normally be her boyfriend or a female best friend.

I’d maybe try to subtly sow some seeds that the friendship seems a bit weird and like she’s using him for support rather than it being a real friendship. But there isn’t much you can do really and the fact that they work together complicates things, he can’t just ignore her.

Dillydollydingdong · 22/01/2024 18:25

Hard to say really. I'm female, and I've got a male friend - we send each other jokes, cartoons, and occasionally we debate events of the day. We haven't got each other's phone numbers and we don't meet. Nothing personal, nothing flirty or serious. But my partner doesn't like it. AIBU to refuse to stop chatting to my friend?

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