AIBU by not going on family trip?

[parent77]

I'm in my late 30s, have a brother who is five years older and have parents in their mid-70s. In the last few years, my parents have discovered family who emigrated to the Netherlands from the UK and so have been over to visit them a few times. The relationship is quite distant, it's like my mum's second cousin.

My parents are starting to struggle more with mobility - they can still get around but more slowly than usual, and dad is in the early stages of dementia. As a result, they think their visit to the Netherlands this year to see the family may be the last time they take the trip. As a result, they are keen for me and my brother and our families to take the trip with them (my brother went last year, but I have yet to meet this other family).

While my brother is planning to go, the issue is that I am already short on annual leave days to do the things I want/need to do this year. My wife and I both have milestone birthdays so are taking each other away for trips. With that, a summer holiday and childcare for our two kids (aged 10 and 8) during the school holidays throughout the year, I'm already really low on days without factoring in anything unforeseen that might come up during the year - I only have a couple left.

My brother is likely just going to go without his family, as it likely to be too hard to get half term holidays to line up his his and my kids. When I look at just going on the trip just for the weekend with my wife and kids, the cost comes out at around £350-£400 for flights, hotel, airport parking etc (before any other spending) for less than 36 hours in the actual place. If just I go, the cost is still around £250-275, which I know isn't a huge amount but is still quite a bit to spend on a weekend that my wife and kids don't benefit from.

I've explained this to my parents, and said I'd prefer to spend the money on other things - taking them out for a really nice meal for their anniversary for example. But my parents, mum in particular, see this as me prioritising my own things (and those with my wife and kids) over what they hold as important. They did say they could maybe pay some towards the cost but as they are both pensioners, I would also feel guilty about that too!

Above and beyond the lack of time (and to a certain degree, the money) I don't actually feel much of a connection to these distant relatives. My parents tells me how they keen they are to meet me and if they came over to the UK I would definitely meet up with them, but they haven't yet and it doesn't seem to be on the cards either.

It's created a bit of tension with my parents and wanted to get an outside view. They see it is a 'last chance' trip and feel I'm being selfish not going. I see it that we can spend family time in many other ways and that this particular trip to see distant relatives doesn't have to be the be all and end all.

AIBU by not going?

Yanbu, you don't know these people and what benefit is it to your kids and wife? Seems like your parents just want to show off with 'their' family.
They are just trying to guilt you.

I'd go to be honest, I dont think this needs to be a benefit to your wife and kids. £275 and memories you'll get to keep. I'm only talking from someone who done this before time ran out and I'd have regretted not doing it.

If it's possible to go by yourself without it meaning you have to sacrifice anything vital for the family, I would do it more for the sake of your parents than for the distant family. And if they can afford to contribute a small amount for you and your brother to go, let them. They may see it as a family holiday in the way you see your trips with your own family unit. It doesn't sound likely to happen again and if it does, you can say no, this is a one off. But it very much depends on your relationship with your parents and how much they ask of you as a rule. If they put pressure on you regularly or don't respect your other obligations, then my answer would be completely different!

I would ask your parents to pay towards it if it means so much to them and you really can’t afford it but when it’s something so important to them I would try to find a way to make it work.

I think they're BU. It may be their last chance to visit, so they should take it. But, bluntly, its nothing to do with you as their visits to these people have never involved you, so I don't see why they should have to now. Sadly there will be a number of things they will do for the last time as they get older, as will we all, but we can't expect other people to join us in them at the expense of their own lives. I think they are wrong to pressure you and I think you should stay firm. I'm sure there are other things you can share with your parents that are more relevant to your relationship with them than this.

YANBU. It's perfectly reasonable to prioritise your own wife and children over a trip to visit some very distant relatives you have no real interest in. Yes, it might be the last time your parents make the trip, but it will be the last time they go whether you're with them or not.

I think once you become an adult, the days of being dragged to visit relatives because your parents want you to meet them should be very much over.

£275 and memories you'll get to keep

It's a trip to the Netherlands to visit some people the OP is barely even related to, not swimming with dolphins. I'm pretty sure the OP could create some more enjoyable memories than awkwardly hanging out with some strangers in whom they have no interest.

Thank you all for the responses so far, really interesting to read! Just to expand on a couple of points:

I've asked if the family in the Netherlands are planning to come to the UK (they haven't yet) but there is nothing concrete planned. If they did, I'd happily meet up with them. For example, they have apparently expressed an interest in visiting a city about 90 mins from where we live (I live quite close to my parents) - I would happily travel there to meet them and take my parents too so they could see them.

Absolutely appreciate what some have said in terms of future regrets. I live fairly close to my parents (my brother lives a couple of hours away) so I naturally see them more - they tend to come to mine for Christmas, Easter etc for example, and I can pop round to see them easily. As mentioned, even if I didn't go on this particular trip, would still make the effort to do things with them through the year.

I think you just need to own the fact that you don't want to. To acknowledge (to yourself) that you are not interested. Some of your excuses are so weak that it is clear that you don't want to/aren't interested. If your wife wanted to spend a weekend doing something costing the same would you feel it must benefit all of you, or if your child had a school trip? I would hope you would just be supportive if you could afford it.

So then the question becomes a different one. It's no longer do you want to go/do you want to meet the long lost family? Because we know that no, you are not interested.

The question becomes are you in a position to spend £500 (for example with spends) and a weekend of your time doing something that your parents would like you to? - just because they would like you to.

I guess relevant factors are how crucial £500 is to your family and how much difficulty it would cause your wife and children if you were absent for one weekend as well as purely whether you can be bothered to put yourself out.

Your relationship with your parents also comes into it. Do they do a lot for you? Are they having the kids for your milestone birthday trips or are the kids going with you? If they do a lot for you I would see it as giving something back to them.

For the sake of £275 and no annual leave cost, I would do it if it were important to my parents. If your dad is early stage dementia, you don't know how long he may have left being compos mentis so if your relationship is generally positive, it doesn't seem a lot to ask.

My Dad unexpectedly dropped dead, literally, at my feet when he was 76. A few years earlier we had gone on a lovely holiday together and I have the memories forever. If your parents think this is the last chance they will get to visit this branch of the family and want to share it with you, you should be pleased not annoyed. Why not combine these "milestone birthdays" and have a, possibly last, big family holiday together.