I feel like my whole life is one big lie.! Why did I do this? Please help me to understand myself.

[Mumofoneinheaven]

I feel like my whole life has been one big lie.
I don’t know how to explain it. I am 35 years old. I have spent the last weekend just going through my old personal belongings – journals, diaries, old photos, items that I have kept for so long that just doesn’t mean anything to me anymore.
I thought I had a lot of ‘stuff’, a lot of baggage and belongings. When I was going through everything I realised my life was one big lie.
Being forced to do things I never really wanted to do and keeping it on my to do list which only created a mental burden, a mental baggage but at the back of my mind I never really wanted to do any of it but all these years, I kept dragging that mental baggage, the unnecessary weight with me all these years.
Why did I put myself through that? For whom?
All of that mental baggage, that heavy feeling, I carried it all these years. People forcing me to do things that I never really wanted to do but which robbed me of years, months and weeks. Safeguarding possessions – why? – If I think about it, I was safeguarding it for others, not really for me, I never really wanted it.
If I look at my old photos – why did I dress like that? Why did I think I looked cool and beautiful? I actually looked really ugly. Why did I think that’s what successful looked like? I am so embarrassed by it now. It’s so shameful, ugly and embarrassing.
If I take new photos now, how can I trust my own judgement that I actually look nice? What seemed cool to me years ago, I am so embarrassed and ashamed of it now. How can I trust my own judgement?
Which part of my life was authentic? I think I went through the phase of “fake it until you make it” for so long, that if I am so self critical – a good 60% was lies. None of it was really me. It was more for the world, for someone, for society but..none of it was really me or what I wanted.
I have been going through a lot of packing/organizing recently thinking I had a lot of ‘stuff’ but the truth is I actually don’t have anything. It was all a lie. My whole life feels like one big lie.
All the years I supposedly invested – I actually don’t have anything authentic to show for it.
That hit home to me today. That 35 years of stuff/goals/ambitions – I am not actually happy with any of it, I am actually embarrassed by it more than anything.
Is this a new beginning?

Gosh, sounds like you are getting in touch with your inner self - what counsellors call your organism. This is the real you, so listen to her. All that stuff is also you - parts of you, anyway. Don't feel like you need to jettison everything, but it's a good thing to have a clear out and decide what is 'you' now and what was 'you' then. Can you reflect on what it is about your achievements that is now bringing embarrassment?

@Springcleaninginsummer I feel so gutted! I know it's going to take me a long time to do inner work...but just so so gutted and angry!

You are only 35, so you've had this revelation early, most of us wake up to it much later. You have plenty of time to unpick it all & make peace with it, and still be young. Good luck

Your life wasn't a lie. It happened in a way that it did but you were still living YOUR life. You want to live differently now and that is also OK but it doesn't negate your previous experiences or make them a lie.
You thought you looked cool and beautiful and you likely did. Just because you won't have the same style now, doesn't change it. And it doesn't really mater whether you LOOKED cool and beautiful. What matters is that you felt that way at the time.
And not having a lot of stuff is a really good thing as well. Let it all go and make the most of your life which feels good to you.

Don;t waste this revelation being angry. the anger won't serve you as well as feeling phenomenal relief at the discovery and excitement for the future.

Try new things and keep a note of what you loved doing, wearing, tasting, learning etc. make a bucket list of stuff you think you;d enjoy and do stuff from it as often as possible.

Sell anything that is sellable if you don;t love it and put the money into a fund to buy new clothes or have an outing or experience you think is more 'you.'

Honestly, 35 is a brilliant age to have made this discovery. Some people never make it and a huge number of women don't make it until post menopause, when kids are grown and parents dead and they finally turn their attention to their poor, neglected selves.

Gently, the way you have worded your post makes your mental health sound very fragile. Do you have someone in real life that you can talk to about how you feel?

Is this a new beginning?

Honestly, it sounds more like a nervous breakdown.

I think you need to talk to someone.

OP I said YABU because you are being far too hard on yourself. You have just described most humans - in the modern West anyway.

Congratulations on starting to think what you want from life and how to put your needs at the forefront.

Nothing in your life was wasted. If you hasn’t done the things you wouldn’t have the realisation you now have.

You don’t sound very well. Old pictures can be mortifying but should be laughed at rather than stressing us out.

Agree with @Nestofwalnuts ! 35 is a wonderful age for a fresh start. My grandmother used to say people live “lifelets” and tear them off their life’s calendar like people tear off the old month and throw it away.

Take a vow to be true to this new you: be open, curious, and loving about what she likes. Try mindful self compassion (try the book) until you can find a good therapist to help you do the work of self discovery. Most of all be gentle with that little girl and young woman who tried so hard to stay safe snd imitate others . She was doing the best she could at the time. Now that you know better/feel safer you will do better/be courageous.

Now Voyager set out…

I was 40 when it hit me. It took years of unlearning to become authentic and natural.

In due time the fake will become unreal. Stay consistent.

Well it's quite an experience looking back upon yourself and your life and as Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. So good on you I say but what are you 'seeing' when you look at old photos of yourself? When I see old photographs of people, not just myself but in general, I see many things, such as youthfulness, hope, vulnerability, innocence, trust, freshness and always a certain bloom and beauty that belongs to being young. In all cases they have a beauty and definition that is part of the essence of youth. Even even standard or unconventional not particularly goodlooking people have a beauty of youth. What is it that makes you see everything about your past self and life as utterly false or worthless?

Love this. So so true!
I stumbled across some of Kelsey Parker's interviews recently. (Tom Parker's widow) Although I don't relate to her specific situation, what really jumped out was her positivity and humour to (almost) everything. And she comes across as so grounded and down to earth, considering it must be so hard.
It really resonated with me 😊

Try, try try to look for the positives and enjoy the journey.

I don't know if this is a new beginning, OP, but at 44 yo I can relate. Everything for other people, and I am child free! Married, though.👍
I'm gonna put this here, probably will get ear bashed, but for me - my life will never be authentic unless completely solitary!

There is a theory that at around 40 we stop being so outwardly focussed and become more inward - ie. we look within ourselves to make sense of things first, rather than looking at what other people think. Sounds like you got there a little early. I dont think your life has been a lie- just that you are now moving into a new phase. Its not comfortable (its like throwing everything in your careful construction up in the air and see where they land) which is where the self criticism can be triggered. Please try to be kind to yourself, you have not been living a lie, or wasting time - you were doing the best you could at the time, and now you know more and can make different kinds of decisions.

Your OP, in summary, is "I am an evolving human".

I don't think there's any need to pathologise it, or be so dramatic about it. People change. You're a person. You're changing. That's it, isn't it?

I don't want to sound flippant, but we ALL look hideous in photos from 20 years ago - our dress sense, hairstyles, etc., are just grim when we look back. Be kind to yourself.

A lot of people have a sort of awakening around the age of 40 - some people call it a 'mid-life crisis' - but it's definitely a common thing. I think it's because at that age you're fully mature and it's important to look back and reflect on where you've come from and what you want from the second half of your life.

Okay, you're only 35 so you're perhaps a bit young, but it's nothing to be angry or ashamed of. Most of us wore questionable fashions when we were younger, tried to be certain things, or more like certain people, and when we look back it feels fake and inauthentic and a bit shameful. But it's all part of growing up and becoming a fully-fledged adult with your own personality and likes and dislikes.

It sounds like you might benefit from some talking therapy so you can make peace with your former selves, but don't think that the rest of us have lived fully authentic lives and you're the only one who hasn't - we've all be untrue to ourselves in the past. The important part is making peace with that and vowing to live a life that's true to yourself and your values in the future.

Putting side the fashion of the time, that doesn’t really matter, don’t we all start out with lots of influences and baggage and expectations from our parents relating to our upbringing? Our childhoods and periods of adolescence did not take place in a vacuum.

And at 35 you know yourself a little more, you are starting to know what feels right for you and you are starting to steer your own ship.

People are very different. I know someone who was sure of who they were and what they wanted aged sixteen! And I only started to get a proper handle on myself in my fifties.

A secure loving upbringing helps you to develop in to who you want to be I think.

But I am struck op by how you look back and see 100% negative things. Surely you should see a mix of good and bad? That leads me to question whether you are depressed and looking at everything through a film of grey?

A more balanced view might be “I look hideous in that outfit but my skin is so youthful there” or “I hated going to that college but it gave me the opportunity to do x and y”.

It sounds like you were angry because you were forced by others (parents or a partner) to go in a direction you didn’t want to follow? We all have choices in life too so you might need to work out how much was coercion and how much was your own responsibility? Are you angry with yourself or others? Perhaps a licensed psychologist might help you to work through it?

I would say stop being so hard on yourself.

I was about your age, maybe a couple of years older, when I had some major realisations. I stopped caring less about what other people thought and started doing the things that made me happy (hobbies, clothes I wore...).

I also allowed myself to just let go of the past lives - I wasn't so confident in who I was when I was 16 or 25. I spent a long time eaten up by wondering if i was doing the "right" thing in the "right" way, and ended up doubting everything. I let it go on the understanding that it was who I was then, and that I had learnt from all those experiences (good and bad) to be st a point where I was able to be myself.

The life you have already lived hasn't been wasted. It's been one long learning curve and you can make use of it now. Even if that is just to say to yourself "no, I'm not doing that again, or being that person again".

Be kind to yourself, you've not wasted anything or had a false life at all. You've got a massive starting point for being able to know what you want to do and who you want to be.

I made it to my 40s. It is like having a fire of hot coals in front of you, confronting how much of your life was caught up in doing what others thought you should be doing, you walk through the hot coals and on the other side is you. This is a very normal phase of life. It doesn’t happen the same way for everyone, it happens younger or older for some people or never at all but life at the other side is authentic, you feel more whole like your conflicting parts pull better together and just better.

This is a great post. And it's quite true - the life you've lived so far has taken you to where you are now. Something about it must have enabled you to come to this realisation.

OP, Your post reminded me of the case study in The Road Less Travelled where Scott Peck has a client who is the young adult daughter from a rich family, who wants for nothing but has depression and takes no joy in anything at all, puts no effort into life. As they chat, he discovers that literally everything in her life has been dictated by others - parents, teachers etc. It takes her several sessions to work out one single thing she likes in her life that she wasn't instructed to like by someone else (it's chocolate! ) But from that awareness of liking chocolate she builds a whole new life on her own terms. It's a lovely case study, if you want to look at it, OP.

I wonder why the way you look now, or looked back then, is still so vitally important to you. Kindly, I think this is what you need help with. Most people look a bit cringe in old photos - so what? It's such a small part of life. There are many bigger and more important things to occupy your thoughts and energy with.