AIBU to expect a basic level of affection from my partner in front of his family?

[Toto531]

I’m not one at all for big PDAs. I understand it can make people uncomfortable etc but my partner shows me absolutely zero affection in front of his family. He is affectionate when we’re at home so he knows how to be but he is embarrassed in front of his family. I don’t want much, just a basic level, like a touch on the back/arm/hand, or a simple kiss/hug goodbye. But I get absolutely nothing and I find it strange. We have been together a while now, we’re not young and we have 2 children together. We live down the road from his family so they know me very well. The other day I was upset and crying in front of our families (it was our little boys 1st birthday and I got emotional as we lost his twin brother). He made no attempt to comfort me and just stood there looking at me. In the end, my dad had to hug me and comfort me. And I know it was because he was too embarrassed to do it in front of his parents and brother. I’m from a big family and we are close and show affection to each other. I see the other couples in my family and circle of friends show basic affection to each other so I just find it odd that he acts like this and I guess it upsets me too. I obviously don’t want him to feel uncomfortable but it just makes me feel a bit rubbish. The other day I gave him a kiss goodbye and his brother was in the car next to us and my partner was visibly annoyed. Is this normal? Anyone else’s partners like this? I have confronted him about it but he just says it’s not true 🤷🏼‍♀️His parents show zero affection to each other, in fact I’ve never ever see them behave like a loving married couple…so perhaps it’s just learnt behaviour.

I think Yabu. He's grown up being this way, you met him this way and now want to change him. It's probably more to do with his family rather than you so I think you just need to deal with it.

YABU
I'm affectionate to my husband but not in front of our families/parents. I'd be absolutely mortified if he was so needy and kept expecting to be touched in front of my parents, I find that really weird.
Again, with the baby loss I assume he lost his child too? I would have made the Birthday a celebration and grieved privately. That's not to say you were wrong for wanting to do it publicly but neither is your husband for wanting to grieve in private. All this needing to be touched and comforted in front of people makes me cringe with embarrassment but that's just who I am. Neither of you are wrong but he shouldn't have to act how you do.

Exactly. Maybe he didn't want the party brought down and overshadowed. Maybe he wanted to get through the day and try and have a nice time and remember baby twin later, privately.

Sorry OP. These comments are probably not what you wanted to hear. I hope you’re ok. So sorry about your baby loss.

I come from a family where we do not do PDA. My DH initially wanted to kiss and cuddle in front of my family, but I explained that we just don’t do that. He gets it now. However, if he was ever crying in front of my family, I would definitely offer a hug. The birthday thing is the only thing I disagree with your husband on.

Think more clearly.

She is not a pest for wanting a hug. She is a pest for coercing her husband into unwanted physical contact.

If he's affectionate at home then I think you're being a bit controlling wanting him to have physical contact in front of others if he's not keen. He could have comforted you when you were crying at the recent death of your child but if you know he dislikes public displays of affection then maybe you could have just asked him to go with you in to a different room. Your mother demanding he hug you is out of line. If your MIL demanded you hug your husband when she said so you'd think her intrusive and controlling.
Keep the kisses and cuddles for when you are alone. You risk damaging the relationship for public affection displays which he clearly dislikes. If you force him to kiss you in public it will be a cold unfelt obligation kiss. Is that what you really want?

@Gobolina why so mean? I don’t think there’s a decent person alive who would call a woman “needy” and “attention seeking” for crying about a child who died. Would you say this to anyone you met going through this in the real world? Would you even think it? Give your head a wobble fgs.

She was not just talking about one incident though was she, although some seem to have fixated on that and forgetting he lost a child too.

YANBU

It's weird - he needs to grow up to be honest.

Getting annoyed because you kissed him goodbye? I'd be asking questions...

I am like him. I don't think I could be physically affectionate with anyone in front of my parents.

And his MIL should not be telling him either. Like that's going to make it better.

He sounds fine at home with the affection according to OP.

What question would you ask? She already knows he doesn't like PDAs and she married him on this basis.

Why he was annoyed at a kiss goodbye 🤷‍♀️ why he didn't console her on grief - a hand on the shoulder at least.

If they've been together for a long time things change - whilst I agree a snog etc is awkward, a quick peck on the cheek in front of his brother isn't exactly cringe worthy - or not for grown ups anyway - 13/14 maybe.

"Why he was annoyed at a kiss goodbye 🤷‍♀️"

Because he doesn't like PDAs. OP said that in her OP.

"why he didn't console her on grief - a hand on the shoulder at least."

Because he doesn't like PDAs. There are other ways to console people though it seems he wasn't able to do it with words either in this situation.

"a quick peck on the cheek in front of his brother isn't exactly cringe worthy - or not for grown ups anyway"

It's not embarrassing for you, but it is for him.
There are large parts of the world where people don't kiss at all, let alone in public.

YANBU

I am sorry for your loss OP, and sorry that some of these comments seem to revel in being unreasonably wicked. What normal human being talks about “bodily autonomy” when we’re talking about people consoling one another in their grief? What have we even come to?

I don't think you are being a pest or being unreasonable at all. If he can't put an arm around his wife who is crying over losing a child, that's a problem, and you're not wrong to be hurt by it.

You need to be able to talk to him about what you need, and have him articulate why he struggles with it. If he can't do that and isn't willing to try to give you what you need, then maybe this relationship isn't the one for you.

Wow wanting a hug from
your husband on what would’ve been the 1st birthday of a baby you lost is somehow being a pest??????
this poster has serious problems

It's one thing not liking PDA, but another to not comfort you when you're crying about your lost child.
That's weird. The family obviously has some ingrained issue with showing partners any affection at all, even a goodbye peck. You might never get to the bottom of it though. I suppose you could be extra tactile and affectionate with him in front of his family and see what is said by him/them, if you really want to know what the issue is. It won't go well by the sound of it though.

Sounds rough that. I'm sorry that your husband is like this and it does from what you're saying sound like learned behavior from his parents. I don't think I know anyone who is like this around family and friends, my partner will kiss me goodbye or hug me anywhere and in front of anyone even if I pop into his work to drop something off for him he will come out from behind the counter and kiss me goodbye (he works in a betting shop) whether there's anyone in or it's empty.

I think you should sit down with your husband and have a proper heart to heart with him about how his seemful lack of empathy towards you whenever his family is around is affecting your feelings he may not realise just how much it is affecting you I hope whatever you decide to do it works out for you.

I'm a little like your dh. My parents never showed physical affection towards each other despite having a happy marriage.

I'm not tactile at all but my dh is immensely. When it's just the two of us I've learned to be more tactile as I know he loves it, but in front of my parents? No I just don't feel comfortable. It sounds pathetic and I don't even understand it myself.

Sorry for yous loss OP 💔 I completely understand where you're saying. I think some people have interpreted this very literally as though you're constantly wanting to be glued to your husband. Sounds like it's the most basic of gestures you're seeking (hand on back etc), which doesn't seem unreasonable.

My DH can also be a little different around our families - just a bit more detached - and it can be a little unnerving. It's not upsetting as such, just baffling and creates a distance between us. It's a weird inconsistency, I get it.

Sorry you've had a lot of blunt comments, it seems to be the way on here now x