AIBU to expect a basic level of affection from my partner in front of his family?

[Toto531]

I’m not one at all for big PDAs. I understand it can make people uncomfortable etc but my partner shows me absolutely zero affection in front of his family. He is affectionate when we’re at home so he knows how to be but he is embarrassed in front of his family. I don’t want much, just a basic level, like a touch on the back/arm/hand, or a simple kiss/hug goodbye. But I get absolutely nothing and I find it strange. We have been together a while now, we’re not young and we have 2 children together. We live down the road from his family so they know me very well. The other day I was upset and crying in front of our families (it was our little boys 1st birthday and I got emotional as we lost his twin brother). He made no attempt to comfort me and just stood there looking at me. In the end, my dad had to hug me and comfort me. And I know it was because he was too embarrassed to do it in front of his parents and brother. I’m from a big family and we are close and show affection to each other. I see the other couples in my family and circle of friends show basic affection to each other so I just find it odd that he acts like this and I guess it upsets me too. I obviously don’t want him to feel uncomfortable but it just makes me feel a bit rubbish. The other day I gave him a kiss goodbye and his brother was in the car next to us and my partner was visibly annoyed. Is this normal? Anyone else’s partners like this? I have confronted him about it but he just says it’s not true 🤷🏼‍♀️His parents show zero affection to each other, in fact I’ve never ever see them behave like a loving married couple…so perhaps it’s just learnt behaviour.

That's pretty awful. I'm sorry.

I would ask him point blank why he didn't hug you when you were crying?

Is he like this around friends and your family?

When I asked him about why he didn’t hug me, he just said he didn’t know why. My mum even told him to hug me and he just refused.

He’s not as bad in front of my family and friends. He seems more relaxed about it. I get he’s not big on PDA and that’s fine but I feel like it’s a bit extreme the way he is in front of his family. It’s very cold.

I think you are trying to turn him into somebody that he isn’t. I haven’t read anything to suggest that he is cold, just that he and his family are not tactile around each other.

I wouldn’t really appreciate my FIL telling me to hug my husband either, I am not a performing monkey.

I think you're being unreasonable. How much time are you spending with his family that this is an issue? Or can't you go a couple of hours without some sort of reassurance?

Stop being a pest. Don't force unwanted physical contact. He is entitled to physical autonomy. His body, his choice.

That said his words should be warm and kind. That he certainly should ensure.

If your wife is emotional remembering the baby she lost...you hug her you shouldn't have to be told.

Sorry for your loss op. I can understand why you are hurt by this.

I think it’s unreasonable to ask for something someone is uncomfortable with. Some people hate PDA, that’s just how they are.

The post didn’t seem to be about one incident.

Is it a cultural thing, OP?

I'm North African and back there, any PDA is frowned upon, even between married couples.

I understand your frustration with that. I wouldn't like it either. But I guess if that's the way that he learned it was acceptable to behave in front of his family then he's not going to break out of that v easily.

Sorry that sounded bad...I didn't mean reassurance to do with you being upset about your baby....just in general. He should have comforted you then
...but otherwise, I really don't see why it's an issue.

I am sorry for your loss, that sounds very difficult.

People have different levels of comfort with any PDAs. You know it isn't comfortable for him. I am sorry and i appropriate you were in distress but forcing someone to do something they feel uncomfortable with isn't fair.

He should have asked you to step away to another room to comfort you. But no I wouldn't want my partner to dictate how or if I touch, hug or kiss in public.

Maybe he finds you very attention seeking and needy op. Maybe work on become more secure within yourself that you don't need constant reassurance from others.

Did you read the op? Did you read why op was crying? Why are people being so needlessly unkind?

As someone from a family with zero affection, I sympathise with your DH. Do you realise that he might only have learnt to be affectionate with other people through relationships with girlfriends/you? You're in a very small pool of people he's ever been comfortable being affectionate with.

In the presence of family, people often revert back to their childhood dynamic (eg deferring to parents, squabbling with siblings). So when he's with his family he's back in a state of mind where he never gets closer than 40cm to another person. Overcoming something that was embedded in you since childhood can be difficult.

The OPs husband also lost a baby - did she not think to give him a hug???

You can’t force him to. He is affectionate to you when you are alone, when it is just you and him. Why does it have to be in front of other people? Why do they have to see it? It’s not a performance of feelings nor is it a benchmark to measure how much he loves you. I would be really pissed off if my in laws instructed me to hug my husband. I decide when I hug my husband and it’s not in front of an audience.

I think you’re trying to force him to be something he isn’t, or to be uncomfortable. He is clearly affectionate at other times, can you really not accept that there is issues in front of his family and sometimes it needs to be about him,and his needs and not always yours?

Also, embarrassment or shame are very strong emotions to overcome, even if the source seems insignificant to other people.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Is your husband Asian or Muslim? In many Muslim cultures there is little to no PDA even between married couples

I think you have to think about what is that bare minimum for you and discuss it with your husband. He might accept that comforting you when distressed or upset is to be expected, but kissing good bye is maybe not. I would never kiss my husband in front of his brothers or male relatives, maybe his mum, but even then only a peck on the cheek.

Fwiw in the situation you mention I would expect my brothers in law to give me some space (or my my husband to shoo them away or take me aside) so he could comfort me properly.

I think there are two separate things here. 1. Should he be forced/encouraged to show physical affection during normal day to day on front of his family? I would say no, it makes him uncomfortable and its a minor quirk you should be able to tolerate. 2. Should he do something to comfort his wife when she's visibly distressed about something awful and very serious? Absolutely! Whether that's taking you out of the room for a chat and a cuddle, or getting over his own uncomfortableness to give you a hug. I think there's compromise needed on both sides, you when it's every day and him when you are struggling emotionally.

She's a pest for wanting a hug from her husband while being upset that their baby has died?

I've seen it all now.

You can't make him into someone he isn't. I understand that it's easier if your partner has a similar communication style as you, because it can appear that they are more connected and respond in an appropriate way without being instructed, but you can't "instruct" someone to be more physically affectionate, romantic, communicative etc. especially in a space where they feel uncomfortable doing so.

My parents never hugged and kissed at home, don't think they hardly ever even sat on the settee together, neither do my in -laws.
In our own home and within our nuclear family my husband and I are affectionate, hug , kiss, hold hands. We don't display this sort of affection in front of our parents, it just feels weird for us.

I’m from a family that doesn’t show love and affection, it’s almost like they think it’s a weakness to show it. I used to feel awkward showing any happy emotion in particular in front of my mum, I don’t know why, I just did. But I’ve learnt over time that it’s ok and healthy to show affection and love, and i no longer feel that I have to hide my feelings.

Also it took me a long time to acknowledge this so your husband may struggle to admit it’s an issue.

it must be hurtful for you though, hopefully he can overcome the learnt behaviour

Totally this.