To be so worried about work as a parent? Am I not very resilient?

[ghimplu]

I’m more of a lone parent really. I get cms but ex does around a day of parenting a week, usually one day at the weekend. Literally no point asking him to do more, it’s a conversation I’ve had many times over. No other support.

The working week is hard and I find it impossible to do proper work like I used to. Has anyone else found this after having a child? I don’t start work on time or finish on time because I’m running round doing drop off and pick up. I try and do food shop on lunch hour etc. It’s all manic. I constantly feel guilty one way or another. I am broke and need the job, I am high earner but lots of debt after separation. I only just get by. I worry always about job security. Anyone else? Just life with a chills or am I not very resilient?

*with a child

I feel like this too. I do online shopping and get as much ready the night before as possible.

@Haggisfish3 I feel I am on a conveyor belt with always something to do

Life seems one big exhaustion these days for little reward.

Online food shop, for sure. I've been using Tesco for years. Once your initial grocery list is set up, you'll only have to tweak it each week (assuming you're like me and get much of the same stuff!).

Get the shopping at the weekend when you ex has the children.
Things shouldn’t be that chaotic, I’m sorry you are going through a lot and have huge stress but could you get up maybe 30 minutes earlier (if able)
This could make a massive difference to your day. All the best.

Also, does your child's school do a breakfast and/or afterschool club?

Anyway, I feel you. Single parenting of 3 kids plus a full-time job is draining!

And you ARE resilient by the way!!!

Ditch the in-person food shop and switch to delivery.

I appreciate that doesn't solve the bigger problem, but every little hack you can work into life to make it easier will, well... make it a little easier! I never had supermarket delivery before becoming a solo parent but I always do now and it saves me a lot of hassle.

I used to be overwhelmed with all the parenting, housework and holding down a job. I just made sure I had a F* all day once in a while... and I was super organised!
DC are older now and it's easier. But I wouldn't want to do it again!

No it's not you, life is exhausting. Another vote for online shopping, I've been doing it for over 15 years, wouldn't go back. Can you stretch to a cleaner? It won't always be like this, as DC get older it often gets less full on.

This is me. And so much so I'm now part time as I couldn't cope full time and being a single parent to a 4 year old. He is autistic too so there is another added layer of things to do as he is more like a 18 month old. I feel much better now I do 30hrs pw. I have time to shop before nursery pick up. I'm also lucky my job is flexible. I can't really be late!

Thank you! Seems online shopping is a good idea. I might try snd set this up thank you

I felt like this for a few years even with a hands on partner who did 50%. My children are 10+ now and it’s not so bad now. I’ve made some big sacrifices in my career for them but haven’t lost it all. For a few years I knew that if I ever sat down at home that everything would slide into chaos. Sometimes I get to sit down and relax now!

Well you had a child/children intending presumably that two adults would take care of them and now there's only one - so unsurprising? Drives me mad all the earnest discussion of the gender pay gap.

This is why! Women can't concentrate!!

Imagine if you took the same attitude. Hey, I'll have them a day a week too...

Yes it is sorry. At least for a bit. Consolidate your working hours to have shorter lunches and try and start one day super early and finish late and put them in after school club and breakfast club. That should keep work on the back burner for a bit. You can "lean in" once they get a bit older.
In terms of organising, lay out bags and uniform for the whole week on a Sunday.
Utilise all your time. Unload the dishwasher whilst you are waiting for the kettle to boil or give the kitchen a quick tidy. Ask spellings over breakfast. Online shop, literally takes minutes.

My boss told me he would rather have me at 100% for 70% of the time. He said that the other 30% of the work day is time spent chatting or socialising with colleagues. Head down and do your work in your work day and then when you are at home, separate life. If you try and juggle, it will burn you out.

Good news is that it's for a short time only and providing you can keep your hand in at work, you can get through it. It does get easier.

You need a better routine so you know what you are doing when.
Any extra curriculars your DC can do without you accompanying them where you can carve out time to do a food shop or exercise or just sit and read a book.

Either do an online shop and have the same things delivered each week or perhaps an alternating shopping list or go in person shopping with child or when they are with their parent or at a club.

Maybe your job isn't suitable to your new way of life, I'm not a higher as late as 10am and take up to two hours for lunch which makes life easier and WFH most of the time.

I'm always chasing my tail. Two minutes late for work every day and always leaving on the dot. Only get 25 minutes for lunch. I work 4 days but the fifth day I have my toddler so don't get anything done either. Starting school has been a game changer, so much harder than nursery.

I do have a partner which obviously makes a huge difference although works long hours and is away a lot.

Am trialing click and collect shopping though i do like an in person wander through the supermarket.

You need a routine and to be proactive with your time.

Firstly, get your shopping delivered. I work FT with 2 kids, I never go shopping unless it's for a handful of things. Get as much done in the evenings as possible and iron all uniforms for the week ahead. I do bits of cleaning/tidying as I go whilst I'm waiting for tea to cook etc.

Definitely echo what others say about routine. I have a cleaning routine which means I can do a little cleaning each day and keep on top of the house, I do a food shop online each week from a pre made shopping list that is saved on my Asda account so it only needs a little amending, I tidy the house each day and prep for the next day each evening (sandwiches, packing bags etc), on working days I make very simple meals (air fryer jacket potato’s), stir fry’s, slow cooker meals where I chuck things in in the morning. All of this means when I’m at work I can focus on work.

What do you mean you don't start or finish on time? Do you need to change your contracted hours?

I could have written this. My after school advice is DON'T SIT DOWN! It's a trap! I have to keep momentum going until at least 7pm or it's game over 😅

Seriously though, try not to be too hard on yourself. What you're feeling isn't uncommon but that doesn't mean you're less resilient than others, it just means they're finding it easier to hide the struggle.

Use the time DC is with their dad to occasionally do something nice for yourself, even if that's going for a coffee and reading a book.

It's a killer. Complete lone parent of 3 who works full time as a nurse here. I work 12 hour shifts so there's no rhyme, reason or routine. I work around my mum (who is also doing shifts in healthcare) for my childcare. If I do a run of shifts, I'm so exhausted I can't face doing the deep cleaning so although surface looks clean, the cupboards are bulging and there's hidden dirt everywhere. Ive recently looked into universal credit and I'm hoping with that help, I can reduce my hours. I know it sounds bad when I've not been claiming for so long but there is only so much my mental health can tolerate.

Yes been there too in the same situation. It gets easier as your child gets older and a bit more independent but those early years are relentless...

Tips from me:

Online shop

Lower your standards for cleaning. keep the kitchen and bathroom clean as a minimum, but spend 10 mins every evening after DC in bed to straighten everything up, put things back in their place, that saves you time in the long run and a somewhat tidy home helps you feel in control. Have a laundry schedule and stick to it.

Time out chores - for instance I can clean the toilet in 2 mins, put a basket of clean towels away in 5 mins etc. then do 15 min burst and pick what you can do in that time - set a timer.

However old the kids are get them to help with something age appropriate eg putting toys away for younger kids, dishwasher or laundry sorting for slightly older.

Arrange things so your "day off" is just for you, don't spend it doing the cleaning for instance - you need the rest to help your longer term resilience. That time is yours and you can do what you want, read a book, watch tv, go for a walk, stare at the wall..... guilt free.

You need some time to yourself once a week. Or you will continue to struggle.

The day your child is at their fathers should be your day off not a cleaning day, do the clean with your child and meal plan and organise all of the clothes for the week ahead.

Hire a cleaner every quarter to spring clean the house.

Get a good well priced baby sitter and start going out more often - having hobbies. Also useful if you are ill. Build up your own support system.