Anyone else never the new, exciting shiny thing?

[Edsspecialsauce]

Don't know if my title makes sense?
Throughout my life, I have never been an exciting prospect. I'm never the friend that everyone wants in photos or needs at their wedding or night out. I am reliable and I will listen without judgement but I'm never the one who will take you on a whirlwind night of hedonistic behaviour or excitement. I'm a listener, I will listen to you and I will remember what you've told me, and I will send you a text when you are down and I will make you breakfast. That's who I am.

It's the same with jobs, I am a typical runner up. They always go for someone shinier, cooler, more dynamic. They tell me how impressive my experience is and what an asset I am (if it's internal). In fact sometimes (a couple of times) they tell me that, in hindsight, they should have given me the job when 'new exciting shiny employee' is actually not what they sold themselves as.

Recently I have been retraining. I am in a group of about twenty people. My seniors immediately gravitated towards a few of my colleagues, one older typically charming man, an outspoken woman (tells it how it is), a younger attractive woman with great personality skills and a lovely, experienced man who had lived all over the world. No one really remembered me or spoke to me about my views. I'm not quiet or introverted, I know my own mind. I guess I'm not the most intelligent person in the room, but I'm not unintelligent either.

Now we've had six months of demonstrating what we can do, my seniors are all over me. Two of then people they initially tried to schmooze haven't worked out. They can't recall not being interested in not getting to know me at the start. That's human nature, I get it. It's like a pigeon trying to compete with parakeets.

Sometimes, it just makes me sad that I will never get that primal reaction from others of 'I want to see what this person will do' or 'I want to work with that person' or even ' I will remember that person's name'. I guess part of it is my demographic, I'm a middle aged, plump, working class mum, people look at me and make assumptions. I want to say 'no,I will not bore you with my kids, show you photos or want to WFH every Monday and Friday'.

I think I actually have good self esteem but sometimes you just want people to notice you.

Yup. The dependable option, the option to rely on in a push, but never the first choice, or the obvious choice. Never the 'exciting' choice. I've come to accept it now. I can't do or be look at me, so it'll never change.

I didn't want to read and not reply because it sounds shite written down, but you seem such a great person. Those skills of being trustworthy and dependable and someone capable are all things I strive to be! I hope my opposite perspective helps you a bit ❤

Being somewhat of a lunatic myself i will often seek out people such as yourself to be friends with, I love people who I can question lots, because they don't share everything immediately and getting to know people who aren't necessarily more reserved but take more time to tell you things are usually more interesting anyway.
I'm the polar opposite to how you describe yourself, I'm a wee dumpling of absolute chaos and people tended to gravitate towards me, but lose interest very quickly. Like I'm a one trick pony, but I'm not, I'm consistently nice, I'll listen to and love feeding anyone a good breakfast, but when you sign up for a pal that casually gets you in the back of a band tour bus or chatting with footballers, gangsters, gets you the occasional free hotel room and gig tickets, you don't want to keep them as a reliable friend because we subconsciously put people in categories in our mind. I stopped drinking over ten years ago because I stopped enjoying it, but when out and about I was a case of "famous in a small town" and knew everyone, everyone's pal, I'd wake up tagged in pictures with people I'd once met in the asda queue and was always invited out.

If I threw a party, everyone I made friends with would have happily attended.
But if I'd have asked those people would they have liked to have gone for a nice meal and low key night somewhere for a quiet chat, nobody would have come.

It's why my circle is smaller, my nights out no longer exist, but I am happier.

I've done a full circle now, I'm an sen mum so can't really go out even if I wanted to and my idea of fun is a cup of tea and putting shite I'll never buy in my online baskets and that isn't "enough" for the people who coverted my friendship or blatantly used me to social climb in certain circles, but I'm enough for those who want to sit at the table with me over a big bowl of pasta and put the World to rights. And that feeling of actual acceptance is immeasurably nicer than liking someone but being riddled with anxiety that when you're not up for being the person you're built up to always be, you're going to be inevitably ditched for the latest "shiny new thing".

Please know you're more than enough and those who want shiny playthings are actually dodged bullets.

I am this person. Good enough to moan to or ask for favours, but not good enoughto invite for fun. Mostly because I don't drink or spend freely at restaurants etc. and no longer run after people pretending I do enjoy that kind of thing.

Ironically I've done more adventurous and crazy activities & travelled far more than any of them.

I'm so over it that don't bother anymore.

Oh OP, I would choose you. I love people like you. There's so much to be said for being a steady Eddie in a world of flakes!
You are enough and you sound bloody great.

You have two major advantages over the others.

1. You are the steady, reliable option and once people know you, they will already approach you with far more trust and respect than any of the shinies will have got on the first few days.
2. Not standing out in a positive way also means you don't stand out in a negtive one. Not being invited for charm and charisma may be one thing, but be glad you're also not invited to liven anything up by causing drama.

"I'm a wee dumpling of absolute chaos and people tended to gravitate towards me, but lose interest very quickly."

This has been my experience in life too - and I can tell you that when people get bored or annoyed and drop you, or realise that you're not what they imagined you were, it feels absolutely awful and embarrassing.

I would end up with serious imposter syndrome, have to perform harder and brighter again, and move around often, completely rootless. I mean, there'll be some very lucky charismatic souls out there living their very best lives, but it's not always the case.

I've been tackling this in the past few years and trying to be more of the "duller" stable one, which has been hard but is beginning to pay off, I quite like that now I'm sometimes more of a background figure🤞

I do wonder if there are charisma skills you could try and learn, especially for interviews, but I think being yourself is best.

This is a good problem to have OP. Far better to be the one that people gradually come to realise is valuable than the shiny new thing with no substance after you scratch the surface. I wouldn’t be too quick to internalise your own concerns about how people are perceiving you either. Other people will make assumptions about all kinds of superficial things and it sounds like your real (non) issue is that you are less self-promoting than others. It doesn’t seem to matter in reality since you are in an environment where others eventually realise your worth, but if it does matter to you then I would work on how you convey your abilities and speak up about your ideas, rather than focusing on possible assumptions others may or may not be making about you.

Yes I'm this person too. I'm currently doing a job that two (younger, less qualified) but shinier and gabbier colleagues were promoted into then swiftly left when they realised that it's more difficult than it looks. Cue reliable Melanie being drafted in to sort the mess out.
It used to bother me but I found passing 50 last year very liberating. As long as my own conscience is clear, people are free to feel how they will about me, it isn't something I can control.
Interestingly my family are all very similar, all have one or two really solid friendships, progress at work by plodding along and showing their worth over time. It does make for lovely family events though because we're all quite steady, kind and drama free so no big family bust-ups.

I know who I would rather be!

I can’t help thinking you are overthinking this. Surely most people are like this? Only a few people can be charismatic types.

If you are thinking like this, then surely you are drawn to the charismatic types too, only noticing them, and not noticing the majority of people like you, quietly getting on with things.

You sound excellent OP. I cringe to death when I see the mad expectations that get heaped on "new stars" at work and then the inevitable crash to earth. I'm always banging the drum for valuing a, range of skills and talents. Keep on doing your slow burn/dark horse thing. You're the real keeper.

Me! I get jobs/asked to do things when they run out of other people. I have found that hard. But I know my own work ethic and that I always try to be kind, helpful and I care about people and my work. Once I am somewhere people usually want to keep me, but getting in the door is a challenge. I think we have secret powers, that’s what I tell myself anyway!

Honestly, OP, you sound resentful and aggrieved — I wouldn’t want to spend time around someone who was always thinking ‘I knew it! All the cool people are flocking to Shiny, Cool X, and no one thinks I’m interesting, even though I’m really nice!’

Ask yourself if your self-esteem is affecting how you come across to other people. If you are always ranking yourself as the reliable-but-unexciting also-ran, in professional and social situations, do you really expect new people with nothing else to go on not to take you at your word?

Hello, fellow wee chaotic dumpling!

I always think I'm a 'grower' ( not a 'shower'!) As it takes people time to get to know me and me to know them, so I'm never the new shiny thing, but I am a well respected friend, colleague and employee and my chance to shine has come later (with work).

I find group psychology (storming/ norming ) interesting and the storming phase brings all sorts of dramas, helping me work out who to avoid/ be cautious with in future!

OP, I was interested to read this, as I assumed most people felt like you in their 20s, but in middle age felt more at peace with being pleasant / dependable / calm ie not the queen bee

I’m always a bit suspicious of very obviously charismatic people, as I’ve had experiences of people sometimes being quite ‘flighty’. The older I get the more I value kindness, dependability and all of this kind of traits, in friends and in colleagues.

I'm the same. I used to try to reinvent myself every now and again to make myself more interesting but somehow I always ended up back in the same place. I've come to terms with it now. I'm not the most glamorous person in the room but I have tenacity and substance. It's so much more important.

Solidarity OP, I'm like this too.

I'm quite happy being this kind of person as it means I never stand out for the wrong reasons.

I like that there's less pressure to 'do', being this kind of person, and I'm fine just getting on with things.

Sounds like you’re the lean horse for the long race, not a show pony. Nothing wrong with that and I’d definitely want you as a friend. Sometimes people want a superficial night out and sometimes people want a deep chat.

I'm a steady Eddie. It has taken me a long time to get where I am in my career. If I had been brighter and shinier I would have got here sooner. But then I probably have wouldnt got where I am at all, I would have gone in a different direction.

I got my current role after a bright, shiny thing. She always communicated in very dramatic language. Things were 'smashed', 'nailed', 'hammered'. She was a lovely person but couldnt help making more chaos around herself.

I get what you’re saying OP.

My advice is to try to reframe it in your mind. The way you describe yourself sounds like you’ve worked it out, you sound like a cool, balanced person who most people would deeply value and appreciate having in their lives.

Parakeets/ trumpet blowers - I can’t be doing with them. “Self-praise is no recommendation” is the mantra my parents instilled and how I view life. Shiny new things must be quite insecure. Any hint of self-aggrandisement or drama immediately switches off my interest.
I’d much prefer working with and being your friend, OP.

I think I probably fall into the ‘shiny’ camp but I’m not sure why. People like me, I do well at work but search me for why!

Im as others have said, utterly chaotic. I always wanted to be steady. Maybe shiny isn’t all it’s cracked up to be?

I am like you and married to a shiny comet type. They come with their own insecurities and self doubts just like us. It turns out people are pretty similar when you look underneath the learned behaviours.