How to be a better wife in this situation

[squirrelnutkin44]

Bit of backstory. Dh and I have been married for 5 years. I have two tween dc from previous relationship and we have a toddler together. Before toddler arrived we got a lot of free time to do couple things (meals, pubs, weekends away) as dc go to their dads EOW. However we have no family help at all with toddler and consequently we never get to go out as a couple anymore. Days out turn into a slog as is usually the case with stroppy toddlers. Holidays are the same. We've both gotten lazy with each other. We sit in night after night watching Netflix and having the occasional bottle of wine and kebab and calling it a treat. We've both put on weight and just got very comfortable.

The other day I overheard dh on a work call and he seemed unusually chatty and jovial. I asked who it was and he maybe (not certain on this) looked a bit sheepish and said it was a female colleague. Being the stalker I am I facebooked her and yes she's very attractive. I felt a bit off about it.

He's never given me any reason to doubt him, ever. But he's on a course with this woman next week and I just feel so shit about it. I think it stems from me knowing I haven't been putting the effort into him or our marriage and sort of realising that there are other women out there who he could potentially fancy. And I actually couldn't blame him.

I snap at him a lot even though he is very hands on and helpful. Sex is good but not regular enough and certainly not adventurous. I just feel like I've had a bit of a wake up call not because I think he'd do anything but because maybe I've realised I'm not the best wife. How do I improve things with the limited time and resources we have? I just feel like everyday mundane reality of work and kids and no time together has made our marriage stale but not sure how to change it.

Is he doing anything to make things better either?

Why is it all your responsibility?

I think we've both just gotten into this rut, life isn't necessarily unpleasant just dull. I don't know what he or I could do. We can't magic childcare out of thin air so we can go out every other weekend like we used to. Dd is a very clingy toddler who wakes often so I don't feel particularly comfortable leaving her anyway.

Maybe the first step is to talk to him, as soon as possible, and tell him what you've just written down for us. Discuss together how you can both make things better and nurture your marriage.

And then plan a different night in for when he gets back. Buy a negligée that makes you feel beautiful, dim the lights, put on music, get out the massage oil and give him a surprise.

Put a note in his suitcase telling him 25 (5 years, squared) things you really love about him, and tell him you have a lovely relaxing and memorable evening for when he gets back.

Consider getting a running buggy and exercising together as a family, or a bike seat perhaps.

But definitely tell him you want to work on things.

I agree that why should you be the one looking for solutions?

However, take a look at yourself & start taking better care of yourself. Start seeing yourself differently.

If you can afford a couple of new things to wear, get your nails manicured, decent haircut, put lippy on every day, perfume? Join a gym or local exercise class? I don’t know, only you know what you might need to do but do it for yourself. Maybe your chap will start to see you differently which will come from your new self confidence and take you out of the stale mode?

I’ll probably get flamed for this advice but I am thinking of you and what will be good for you!

Date night once baby in bed, nice meal and play a game rather than television and phones?

We've had the talk before about how things aren't great but I think I've probably approached it wrong and come across like it's an accusation towards him rather than something we both should work on.

Both of you need make an effort it’s not just on you.

Me and DP were in a very similar situation last year. No childcare for our youngest DS who has additional needs. So made we’ve a conscious effort to do something every Friday ideally going out of the house. It’s varied from going for meal, bowling, swimming or when weather been nicer a walk or drive somewhere. We have had to our little one with us but simply getting out doing something together consistently has helped us massively. When we’ve not been able to get out, Friday nights are still our night. We get DS sorted for bed and we either cook together, phone takeaway and unwind just us. Neither of us makes any other plans on a Friday that’s our time to focus on each other.