Is this fair

[tty]

Below is the division of 'labour' between me and my husband he is unhappy with it and wants me to do more as none kf his friends or those we know husbands do as much as him, so can you tell me if its him or me being unreasonable?

He works mon-fri 9-5 and earns 70% of the household income

I am a freelancer but average around 30 hours a week. If kids are sick or there's appointments its my work flexibility that means I pick it up. He has never missed a day of work for a sick child for example.

The only childcare I have is three mornings, so total of 9 hours. I do the rest of my work in the evenings.

I do all the drs appointments, school stuff, childcare payments l/admin, the stuff like meal planning and making sure kids have the right clothes that fit. I do all the washing, most of the cleaning. I cook all the weeknight meals as a minimum. He cleans the kitchen sides every might and will push the hoover round/tidy downstairs sometimes

He gets up with the kids m-f as I work late every night so don't get to bed until midnight. He also does the youngest packed lunch three days a week and the breakfasts.

We both put the kids to bed. We both get a lay in at the weekend but no later than 9am so it doesn't ruin the day.

So, he's measuring it against his friends' input rather than yours?
That needs sorting out for a start.

How many kids & what ages?

Does he wfh or have a commute? (If so, how long)

Seems fairish split at first read - presume he gets some free time in evenings to match your 9 hours in mornings?

Main consideration is how many hours you both work - paid and unpaid, and how many hours you get free for yourselves

Which jobs of his is he wanting you to take on?

Two kids. 4 and ten months, I only took two weeks mat leave as self employed. I did a lot more early mornings with the first baby as was on mat leave and also prior to now as I wasn't juggling so much with so little childcare so think it's perhaps that he feels is unfair but I don't have any other times I can work other than at night.

He just says Im not grateful enough for everything he does

Honestly for me I couldn't let my hubby get up all 5 weeks days with the kids and do the morning even if I'm up late (I frequently only get 3 to 5 hours broken sleep due to all 3 kids being sen) I'm a sahm he works 50hrs a week and on days he's home we both get up and do the morning routine with the children. Even when we were both working 50hr weeks morning routine was done together and whoever was home did tea and bed we were both shift workers so didn't get weekend lay ins as often we worked them I think after a while of having to do every morning even if my partner working late (unless were talking 4 to 5am) I'd become quite resentful because its quite stressful running about like that before work especially and knowing my partner was upstairs in bed while I was overwhelmed would not be good for my relationship in the long run.

His commute is 10/15 mins by car in the same city

He do the bare minimum but I am sure he thinks he is doing loads.

He is doing loads compared to many men but he's also doing very little compared to you. Get him to look at how much free time you both get, in your case I suspect that's none

Our youngest gets up at 5. I suppose for me it would feel unfair that say as an example I would get four hours sleep then have baby 5-5 then work all evening again too.

I suppose if I got up on Fridays then I would have four hours thu night, work for three hours for my childcare thay day then have baby until 5, then do bed routine as usual then work but at least the next day would be the weekend?

But then is it fair that he always gets 6-8 hours or more if he wants to go to bed early. I also get zero downtime atm as I work evenings and he has every evening to relax

Maybe I could say I will do a morning if he pre makes dinner for a couple of the evenings

Yeah he has every evening free whilst I work. Might break each day down and maybe then he will see how busy I am already and maybe we can swap some stuff around

I think the current arrangement seems more than fair to him. You’re working a minimum of 21 hours per week in the evenings which means you get less sleep (likely working more as I assume the 9 hour childcare doesn’t cover drop off and pick up) as well as cooking dinner and putting the kids to bed. You also do all the rest of the parenting and housework aside from cleaning the kitchen after dinner, an occasional spin round with the vac, waking with the kids and a few packed lunches.

He’s probably right that he’s doing more than most of the fathers you both know. That doesn’t mean that he should do less, it means that they should do more. My dh used to to jokingly talk about everything his colleagues wives’ did for their husbands. Dh was in no way hard done to. I did the bulk of the housework but I didn’t wipe his arse for him and insisted on retaining my own life and hobbies. I told him to fuck off and marry one of them. He soon shut up.

He's not one of these men that expects a medal or round of applause for parenting his own kids and keeping his own home tidy is he?

How does he show appreciation for all that you do OP?

Ahh, you should write him a thank you note every night and buy him flowers and chocolates!

To be fair I set out all the clothes and pack bags night before and Im down in time to get them dressed etc. it's just the youngest is sometimes up at 5/6 and I come down just after 7, we leave the house at 8:30

Seems fairish split at first read - presume he gets some free time in evenings to match your 9 hours in mornings?

@jackstini I think you are reading it wrong. The 9 hours in the morning are not her free time. She is working then as well.

I think your DH is getting a pretty easy ride actually. If he works 9 to 5 he is not doing significantly more hours than you at his paid job. However you appear to be doing the lions share of the childcare, cooking and most of the cleaning.

And he wants you to do more? Really? Just because the other boys get away with being lazy arses!

When I was a young woman I thought these sort of attitudes were from an older generation and would soon be a thing of the past. I am in my 60s now and it would seem apparently not. How depressing to think it is probably a woman of my own age who has raised the selfish lazy man your DH appears to be.

No, it’s not fair. You are doing too much with too little support.

9 hours of childcare is ridiculous.

I think it’s not fair - you’re doing too much as between the two of you. If anything he needs to pick up a bit more.

Or else the family pot pays for a bit more nursery time so that you can work during more reasonable hours, and get a bit more sleep.

Ok thanks everyone

The obvious thing here is to put your dc into childcare so you get to do your work in the daytime and then you both share things that need to be done, around your work.

What doesn't seem fair here is that you are covering all the childcare during the day and are then starting work on another (almost full time) job in the evenings.

He also needs to compare the amount of 'working time' and the amount of time 'free to do whatever you choose' with his wife and co-parent, not with other people who are not part of your relationship.

He does virtually nothing. He should be ashamed of himself asking to do less. As for those saying he does loads?! Get yourself some standards!