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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Adult kids moving home

19 replies

flopsyandmopsy · 21/01/2024 17:26

I'm really curious about non-biased opinions here.

My brother's marriage broke down and due to various circumstances he had to move back to my parents. Things have come to a head over the last few weeks as they've felt it's not their home anymore (he doesn't pay rent, doesn't tidy up, expects my DM to do his washing/ironing etc). He also his DS every other weekend.

This week it came to a head with him and my DF. They only have a 2 bed bungalow so not much space, and a tiny garden so no room for an annexe, and they both work full time (they're 65 for ref). My DB has been wanting to redecorate the spare room but due to space, they requested to keep some of the room as an office for when our dad works from home. To make a long story short he said no and said that they make him feel unwelcome. So he took his DS, handed them the key and left.

My DM's been upset all day and thinks maybe they should have let him redecorate and have the room the way he wants. I think that just them saying to us that we always have a room here means until we get back on our feet and not permanently? He's 37 and I think acting like a petulant child - AIBU? Or rather are they?

OP posts:
C00k · 21/01/2024 17:32

Sounds great that the misogynist slob is away. Why give it a moments thought?

purplehotdogs · 21/01/2024 17:32

Your brother needs to grow the fuck up.

dottiedodah · 21/01/2024 17:32

I think your DP are within their rights here TBH. Its their home after all .They are both working at 65, and deserve a bit of peace and quiet by now! Your DP have kind enough to let him stay and he is acting like a child!

Lizzieregina · 21/01/2024 17:35

Time for him to go, and I say this as someone who has adult children living at home. But I don’t clean up after them and certainly don’t do their washing!! They’re all saving for deposits so they can buy.

I think your parents probably meant you’d all have a temporary landing spot if things got tough. Until you got back on your feet.

easylikeasundaymorn · 21/01/2024 17:35

sounds like a win-win (for your parents) if he's stropped off without them having to ask him to go! Just make sure they don't let him move back in!

ThinWomansBrain · 21/01/2024 17:35

so how long had the CF been living there rent free, and why did they ever agree to it in the first place?

BeaRF75 · 21/01/2024 17:36

The brother obviously needs to get his own place, not sponge off his parents.

flopsyandmopsy · 21/01/2024 17:38

Honestly I've been at my wits end trying to convince them they're being taken as mugs! I'd say at least 6 months. I do love my DN but he's got no manners either and they end up doing the bulk of the parenting eow. I think they're finally seeing what I've been saying all along. They keep coming and hiding at mine at weekends!

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 21/01/2024 17:39

37! Blimey, he really should be able to stand on his own two feet and not sponge off his parents by now.

As for expecting to make utterly no contribution, be waited on hand and foot, etc - I think the mystery over the breakdown of his marriage is probably over...

Coconutter24 · 21/01/2024 17:46

When he asked to redecorate they should have just told him we like the room as it is and presumed you’d be looking for your own place soon. At 37 it’s not unreasonable for the parents to expect him coming back as a stop gap and not permanently especially considering they only have a 2 bed and he has his son eow. If he’s handed the keys back sounds like a win for your parents

NewName24 · 21/01/2024 17:54

Your brother needs to grow up and sort himself out somewhere to live.

Your parents / Dad was quite right to stand up to him.

ilovesooty · 21/01/2024 17:56

He's a boorish parasite. It sounds as though his wife was well rid as well.

p1ppyL0ngstocking · 21/01/2024 17:58

I bet he treated his wife just as badly and that's why she wanted rid of him.

It's time that your parents parented their child by telling him to grow the fuck up and find his own place to live and do his own laundry etc; I can't believe they let it go on as long as it has 🤦🏻‍♀️

Riverlee · 21/01/2024 18:03

Yes, your db has been acting like a petulant child. Up to three months, I feel is a grace period to stay at your parents house (to recover, get your act together etc). However, after that, it’s time to start making plans etc. to move forward. He certainly doesn’t get a say in a house he’s not contributing to, either financially or practically.

MotherofGorgons · 21/01/2024 18:04

There are a number of similar threads like this at the moment, and many parents have said " Your children are your children for life". 🙄

NewName24 · 21/01/2024 18:11

There's a difference though @MotherofGorgons
OP's parents did as many of us would, and offered him a bed in his hour of need BUT what has happened here is the brother hasn't contributed in any way - be that doing the cooking or cleaning or even his own laundry.
Clearly the parents' home isn't large enough for him to live there permanently, and it seems he (the brother) seems to think he can just encroach upon them.

That is a million miles away from me putting up my young adult dc for a year or two whilst they save for their own home, with a clear plan in mind, and when my dc contribute fully (both in doing things around the house and also paying their way).

MotherofGorgons · 21/01/2024 18:22

Agree there is a difference. I just see that line trotted out a lot on MN.

Redshoeblueshoe · 21/01/2024 18:25

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/01/2024 17:39

37! Blimey, he really should be able to stand on his own two feet and not sponge off his parents by now.

As for expecting to make utterly no contribution, be waited on hand and foot, etc - I think the mystery over the breakdown of his marriage is probably over...

Absolutely this

Daleksatemyshed · 21/01/2024 18:34

It's the redecorating that's the real give away here, your DB had been there 6 months and obviously thought he'd be there for a lot longer. It's one thing to go back to Mum and Dad for a month or two, but 6 months with no contribution as if you were a child is taking the micky. I hope your DP's will enjoy their lovely, quiet weekends Op

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