For being annoyed at family?

[Lemonbalm13]

I was 34 weeks pregnant and going to a panto i was dreading with a lot of family members from overseas, my mum n sister but without my husband. I had my 3yo n 2yo with me and I was driving. I told my sister 6 times over 3 days I would pick her up at 12.30 and to not be late. I explained I needed to find parking, walk kids to venue, get oldest to toilet, queue for snacks, I didn't want to be rushing about. I arrive and she's not ready, my cousin comes out to give me the tickets (I paid for my own 3 tickets) and I say to her do you just want to come with me and she can go in the taxi with everyone else? My cousin goes inside n my sister said she would be 3 minutes, 10 mins later she gets into the car. I said I told you 12.30, I'm 34 weeks pregnant, I don't need to be rushing about, I've left myself enough time so I don't have to be rushing about. She said well do you want to go with cousin then n I said it's a bit late now I could of left with her 10 mins ago. She said fine let me out of the car, you can go with her then, she nearly took my car door off the hinges slamming it. I shouted after her "watch my fucking car" I get to venue n I'm so mad I can barely look at her. The day was a disaster as I knew it would be and I spent most of it running after my youngest. He didn't know the majority of the group so no one could take him as he was strange. I had to leave at 2nd half as youngest wouldn't settle. I can barely carry him now as he's 2 stone. The car park only had lifts to even numbers but I was parked on 3rd n ticket machine was on 2nd. Anyway I'll not bore you with everything else that happened trying to pay n get toddler up to car and into the tight spot while my oxygen cut off everytime I bent over to do the car seat. It was the final straw. My family dont seem to get the logistics or effort involved to get 2 young kids somewhere and the added strain of being heavily pregnant.

I had both kids from the 22nd Dec until the 3rd of December and none of my family offered to take them for an afternoon over that time. Bearing in mind I went to another panto Christmas eve that family wanted to go to as it would be nice to do on Christmas eve and my mum knew someone who takes her grandkids every Christmas eve (I paid for my own tickets) and waited 30 mins for them at the bar, they arrives with seconds to spare before curtain up. I had them back to mine for food. I did Christmas dinner for them the next day and they said they would be down at 12, they arrived at 2pm. Kids were waiting on them. When i say they i mean mum, sister n brother in law. I also made my mum dinner and a cake for her birthday on the 13th of December and my sister a cake and went to a restaurant with kids in tow on the 28th, at this stage in December I was exhausted n they knew how tired I was. I haven't really bothered since the panto on the 2nd of jan. Things are strained with me n my sister. We speak when we see each other but nothing in-between. I just feel like my time is so stretched as it is and I'm giving time I don't have to them to have it wasted waiting on them. Plus a part of me feels like they gave me nothing back over Christmas and if you can't get a break and some support at 34 weeks then when will you. I usually do mothers day and easter for us all as none of them 3 can cook but this year I'm not. I'll only be a few weeks to a month after labour anyway. I'm definitely suiting myself this Christmas and not including them in activities or dinner. If they want a lovely day out with the kids they can organise it themselves and take them without me, they can have the responsibility. I know its no one's responsibility to look after my children however after all the running about I did for them, the dinners prepared and the time spent with them and waiting for them you would think a few hours back so I can rest would of been provided. Am I being unreasonable here? Am I overreacting to all this?

Where is your husband/partner in all this??

I think you are taking in too much. If you didn’t want to go to the panto in the first place why did you accept. I also think your hormones and usual young stress of children is exhausting you. I recommend just scaling back for a year or two and only doing things that you and your children will enjoy.

It was only women going to the panto so he wasnt there and ill never make that mistake again. He was away for work over mum's birthday. Working in between Christmas n ny to save leave for newborns arrival. He was with me elsewhere

Do whatever you feel best. They must be able to cook as they are still alive. Just say no if you don't want to do it.

It's a tradition before kids and then with family travelling over they wanted kids to be there. It was also booked in August so I didn't think too far ahead or count up how pregnant I would actually be. I agree with you though, I definitely need to scale back and think of my own small family for a few years

Doesn't sound that helpful though, he could have given you a lift to the panto maybe? Kept the youngest at home? He needs to step up.

Just stop. You're doing WAAAAAY too much. Focus on yourself and your children's needs. If you're so stressed you're swearing in front of the 2&3 year old then you need to reduce what you're doing immediately.

Very true

You can always say no sorry the pregnancy is too much at the moment. People flake out and it's annoying but this wouldn't be flaking out. This is a good reason

You are not obliged to do all you do for them, and don’t feel guilty for doing what is best for you. I’d stop cooking and catering for them and if they want to make the effort to see your children then leave it up to them

I’ve had similar family dynamics for a long time

Your sister was 10 minutes late getting into the car, or am I misreading the timings ?

Yanbu, that sounds incredibly tough. The only thing you’re being a little bit U about is taking 2 v tiny dc to the panto. I’d have said they are too young and too tricky with both of them and that you could meet everyone for a coffee after. I have a nearly 3 yo who is really very chilled but I wouldn’t think she’d sit through a potentially scary panto. I accompanied a school trip to the panto in year 1 for DS and sone DC of that age were crying and scared (just normal panto not an especially scary one!). There was another school there who had taken the reception class and it looked a bit of a disaster tbh! Multiple dc sitting on teachers/TA/helpers knees!

Sorry, YABU. You remind me of one of my sisters, who always takes on stuff, offers to host, say yes to every suggestion we make and suggest more stuff herself... And then complains about the logistics with her 5 kids and blames us for not understanding how difficult it is for her.

You don't have to go to panto at 34 weeks pregnant with 2 young children. You shouldn't go, it's a terrible idea! Of course it's going to be a nightmare!

I don’t think their behaviour is TERRIBLE, a bit thoughtless maybe but nothing dreadful. I think the main issue is that you are taking on way way too much, have kids who are at an exhausting age and are knackered.

I don’t think I would even have attempted a panto with kids of that age let alone when pregnant, realistically they’re too young to enjoy it. Or I would have expected to need to leave half way so my partner would have come.

I think your sister just doesn’t really understand how life changes with kids which is pretty normal- she probably thought you were over reacting. Try to build bridges with her but stay out if situations you know are likely to cause stress, like don’t offer lifts- getting yourself and your kids there is enough work! She can get a taxi/ bus.

As for getting a break, the first responsibly here is with your partner but you might try asking your mum/ other family- can you come and mind x for a couple of hours? But realistically looking after 2 kids of those ages is tough, especially when they want their mum so I would be expecting full days/ overnights.

Just stop with the meal cooking and cake baking. Buy a cake. They can make a sandwich or get some soup/ a ready meal. Or, here’s a thought, they learn to cook! My 13 yr old can do simple meals and there are gazillions of recipes on you tube, there’s no excuse.

If they are crap it sounds like you’re basically facilitating it, and just saying no and doing a bit less might really help.

Time to start saying no a bit more often.

All these family members who "can't cook" clearly can, as they're still alive. Maybe for Easter you should keep it small - you, DH and kids - and concentrate on your newborn.

As for the whole panto thing... I'm not surprised you weren't offered help. Presumably these other family members bought their own tickets, wanted to enjoy the show, and not get lumped with a small child they barely know, who doesn't know them. That's an example of your kids, your problem.