To tell my DD9 she has to cut some girls from her party list?

[RadicalRadishes]

My DD is in Y5 and about to turn 10. She’s in a new school this year. She had a hard time with friendships at her old school, had one close friend her final year, but otherwise just friendly acquaintances. Well, she’s really blossomed at this new school and seems to have lots of friends! However, she’s often playing with lots of different children, not one specific group of friends.

The last few years we’ve done a very small party with 2-3 girls. However, this year she wanted to do something a little bigger. The guest list has grown over the past week however (we haven’t invited anyone yet though) and now she’s at just over half the class (a few boys invited) and 13 out of 16 girls. I feel bad telling her to cut people out since she’s still new to navigating these friendships, but I also feel 3 is too small of a number to exclude.

Apparently the 3 girls in question are all friends with each other, so it’s no one who is friendless being left out if that makes sense. My daughter says they are just not very nice and that they act crazy when they get together and she worries about someone getting hurt (we’ll be at a trampoline park).

Are they old enough to literally just invite who they want at this point or are there still politics behind it?

Would IBU if I told her to cut down the list?

I'd feel uneasy leaving 3 out, it's a statement to such a small number left out. Tbh I'd just invite all the girls.

I'd probably scale up in this situation and invite them all.

Let her invite who she likes. She says they’re not very nice so no wonder she doesn’t want them there.

My 9yo didn’t want to invite two sisters to her recent birthday party on account of them being annoying and prone to taking over/causing rows. I insisted she had to as they always invite her and I’m friends with their mum. Surprise, surprise my daughter was right. I’ll never again tell her she has to invite certain people.

Don’t make your daughter invite girls she doesn’t like. It does sound like a big (expensive) party so I’d trim numbers on that basis.

At 10yo I think she's capable enough to make good decisions about who she does/doesn't want there. It was only when my kids were 5/6 that I encouraged them to not leave anyone out.

If she's inviting 'a few' boys, presumably there's a lot more that she's not inviting? As well as the 3 girls? So it's not like it's a whole class party where 1 kid is left out. I'd leave it up to dd to decide. Unless you need to cut numbers because you feel there's too many in total?

She's at a new school and I wouldn't leave out three girls. You'll be there to keep things.

Agree entirely

You probably should invite the three girls. It's just one of those things and if you don't ask them all it could cause problems down the line for your daughter and possibly with upset parents. MN often have threads where mums are upset their child has been NFI'd to a party. It's just one day and it's the right thing to do to teach your kid that sometimes you need to be the kind and inclusive one.

Not a problem for me to omit three girls, especially if she’s also inviting several boys as well as the girls — totalling half the class. I think encouraging your child to invite people she doesn’t like is modelling poor behaviour about boundaries and martyrdom, purely because so many Mners struggle socially and see ‘cliques’ and ‘exclusions’ everywhere.

Leaving out a friendship group of 3 girls plus most of the boys is fine at that age. Don’t make her invite children to her party that she doesn’t want to and don’t force her to trim the numbers out of “fairness”. If numbers need to be cut for financial reasons, that’s understandable, but not so 3 kids she doesn’t get on with don’t feel put out.

I think her list is ok.

You can't be serious. Excluding the 3 girls? Just no.

Leave the 3 girls out! Your daughter thinks they are a pain the arse together so trust her judgement.

My 9yo son didn't want 1 kid at his party but I felt bad, said he couldn't leave 1 out and then the 1 little fucker punched my son in the face at his birthday party!! I wish I'd listened to my son rather than following some stupid social etiquette!!

Listen to YOUR child!

I would exclude the 3 girls frankly. You are inviting boys as well, so it’s a mix of children and not just a party of all girls except 3.

Mainly I don’t think it’s a good message to tell a girl that she has to invite people she doesn’t want to, to “be kind”. Fuck that - more girls should be told that their feelings matter and they don’t need to do things they don’t want to just to please others.

It’s her party why should she have to invite people she doesn’t like? Would you invite people you didn’t like to your party? They are ten not 4 they really won’t worry about not being invited. Let her have a good time.

Yes, she wants to invite 4 boys as well. This puts the total at a bit over half the class. I’d only been looking at it in terms of percentage of the whole class, but then wasn’t sure how important the percentage of girls was.

17 is definitely more than I would like at the party (for both cost and level of insanity!) but my younger DD just had a party and only half of the children from the new school came, so I guess I’m expecting the number of actual attendees will be lower.

Let her have what she wants and definitely don't scale it down - Y5 is an odd/tricky time to change schools (assuming you're in the UK) and it sounds like she's doing well socially.

Please don't make her invite the 3 girls.

I just don't see why any kid should be forced to have kids they don't get on with at their party. Yes, you teach them to be polite and kind to everyone but that doesn't equal a party invite.

Your DD moved school, seems to be blossoming socially, and is going to be 10. So I'd let her invite everyone she wants on this occasion. Before you know it she'll just want to do the cinema with a few pals (and not with you) for her birthday party.

Tbh I've said it's either smaller groups of around 8 total or the whole class. And a trampoline park should be easy enough to invite them all. Only reason I'd leave 3 girls out was if they're bullies but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

If she scales down and leaves some of her friends out then it could affect those friendships. 🤷🏼‍♀️

If it was a all girls party and she left 3 out then I'd say probably invite them. Same for whole class parties where only 1 or 2 are left out, unless there's issues of bullying.

If it's a mixed sex party and she's just inviting the children from the class she likes and plays with them I'd not invite them. It's not an "everyone other than..." invitation. It's a "invite the boys and girls I play with" invitation.

I think for a trampoline party I'd invite a max of 6-8. A large group will all go off in different directions and won't mix anyway so it seems a lot of expense for not much interactions if you see what I mean.