To be upset with DH to let guests smoke in our flat?

[Moonie5]

DH had guests tonight while I was out, they’re from a different country as my DH is. When I came back, I could immediately smell smoke. DH and I both don’t smoke. DH hates the smell as well, but in his country guests are king and he says he can’t forbid them to smoke if they wish to do so. I’m fuming (excuse the pun). He offered to pay for a deep clean if I find it necessary, but he also thinks that I’m unreasonable for being upset with him because there was nothing he could have done (in his opinion) and he just tries hard to make everyone happy.

Well, I think you need to spell out that in your culture, it's not done to smoke in other people's houses, in fact most smokers don't smoke indoors in their own homes.
He needs to think about whether it is worse for him to upset you, or his friends. I think you need to keep making a big fuss so that he realises how put out you are.

Yanbu, I'd be fuming too. I'm an ex smoker - but not an anti smoker, it's still legal and I have no problem with people smoking - but I never smoked in my own house when I did smoke and wouldn't let anyone else do it either. Get that deep clean booked.in!

You should take him up on his offer of the deep clean and also make it clear to him that this is never to happen again.

The cleaning should include your carpets, rugs, curtains, bedding, upholstery, and dry cleaning of any coats you had hanging on pegs. Make sure he understands how gross and unacceptable this is.

The cost of all of that should make him think twice about being so spineless in future.

Well he knows your stance on it now. Can you agree a compromise if he ever has a smoking guest visit again? For example asking them to stand in the kitchen next to an open window?

Im assuming this situation has never arisen before so if it’s a very rare occurrence because friends are visiting from his home country, I’d let it go.

Hes apologised and offered to arrange cleaning of soft furnishings. There’s little point punishing him any further is there?

I'm a smoker and would not smoke in my own home nor allow anyone else to nor expect to smoke in anyone else's home either. It is not acceptable. Your husband could have just said you have asthma if he felt uncomfortable with a simple, 'no, please smoke outside'.

Yes, that’s exactly why I feel a bit hurt….that he’d rather upset me than his friend. But I’m unsure how big a part culture plays here. He and I are from a different culture

Gross. The smell clings to everything. YANBU.

YANBU

I'd honestly be annoyed enough to say this.

Who were these guests who had the nerve to smoke in someone else's home - a non-smoker's home, at that?

He’d rather upset me than his friend

Did he know you’d be this upset though?
Its not clear whether you’ve agreed to never let anyone smoke in your flat, or whether he used his own judgment.

He knows now and has offered the deep clean.
Presumably he’s not going to allow it again- unless he wants to get professional cleaners after every guest? 😬

I'd be livid, I'd make him pay for a professional house clean and if you have any curtains ect. I'd make him pay for them to be cleaned.

Also, he didn’t apologise. He thinks I’m overreacting and that it wasn’t his fault anyway because he can’t control what other people are doing. He was passive-aggressive about the deep cleaning. And he said he’ll never invite friends again now that he knows how I react. I don’t want to limit is social interactions and I never would stop him from having friends over…although this will solve the problem now.
He knows that I hate smoke.

I'm a smoker but I've not smoked indoors since around 2000/2001- people forget it was fine to smoke indoors before around that time. It looks so odd when you see old TV/films where people are in the pub puffing away.
Your DH should have ushered the guests outdoors when they lit up.

Doesn't matter they are from a different country - they should to an extent, abide by the rules and expectations of the country they are in. It does smell horrible so get everything cleaned - DH needs to know it cannot happen again.

Do you have a garden /balcony ie somewhere people can go? I stand on the step outside the back door in Winter but have a patio and chairs for warmer weather.

I wouldn’t be livid if you lived on the 7th floor, it was pissing with rain and dh allowed the to friend smoke one cigarette next to the kitchen window or something.

A party with several guests lounging around on the sofa smoking all evening and using plant pots as ashtrays would be a different matter!

I'd be furious, and shocked. Who even thinks it's okay to smoke inside someone else's home any more?

I'd be livid too. It isn't acceptable.

He's being an arsehole. "Can't control what other people do" is bullshit. They were in his and your house. Would he just let them vandalise things? Or wander off with your belongings?

As is so often said here, you have a DH problem.

Totally out of line, especially given he knows you hate smoke. Has the smell seeped into the bedroom as well? If so, he should pay for a hotel room for you until the deep clean is done.

Right. It sounds as though you have some big issues in your relationship with regards to respect for your feelings and opinions.

Passive aggression is an unpleasant weapon whatever you’re disagreeing on.

Perhaps this goes deeper than the smoking issue and is more about his lack of respect for you and dismissing your feelings 😩

Ask if he would be fine with them pissing on the sofa? Or would he show them where the toilet is?

There are places it's appropriate to do things and places it's not. It is not rude to ask people to do things in specific places.

The fact is he doesn't care. Maybe he doesn't think it's important. I'd be incandescent over this but thank goodness I've never faced it.

Unfortunately smoking inside is quite normal in their country, but DH never smoked because he hates the smell. His defense still is that he’d been totally out of line to tell a man who is older than himself what to do (they’re actually more distant cousins than friends). It would be seen as disrespectful in his family. So he just had to grin and bear it. I’m still not happy….but probably I need to let it go now. He doesn’t usually have people over (he’s an introvert) and it won’t happen every month hopefully never again. It was good to vent a bit.

He should pay for a hotel room
blimey 😂would you go to a hotel if you had a small kitchen fire? Presumably in the summer with everyone’s windows open there are other people smoking in adjoining flats.

I have some sympathy for your dh given your last post. He regards this man as his superior and he’s obviously been brought up to think it’s disrespectful to question something like this?

However, there needs to be respect for you as his wife. Perhaps womens opinions are not respected enough in his culture.

Have these fuckwits (and I include DH in that) ever heard of passive smoking? Emphysema? Lung cancer?

Ex smoker here and never smoked inside. Wouldn't be having this.

I work with various individuals from cultures where guests are expected to be treated as kings. And yet these guys manage to smoke outside at work and when we have to go round the boss's house.