Elderly dad dating lots of women

[Maxine987]

My elderly mom passed away about a year ago and less than a week after her funeral my dad (nearly 80) started dating a neighbour of theirs. I was devastated by the disrespect to my mum. This lady stopped me from visiting dad much, and had a go at me saying “he doesn’t need you now, you don’t need to visit any more”. Dad didn’t intervene and for the 6 months they dated I hardly saw him. If I needed / wanted to see him I had to almost make an appointment and she didn’t even like that. Dad seemed not to care at not seeing me, just boasting about how much in love they were. Eventually, she said I should only see him on his birthday and Xmas type thing and we were close to losing all contact. Then she gave him an ultimatum that he did stop all contact with me or lose her. At this point he chose to keep in contact with me and said he was glad of the ultimatum because he was getting fed up with her anyways.

Two weeks later he met another woman on a coach holiday and began a LDR with her, I found out she was a scam artist using several different surnames and told him and he accused me of ruining his life by telling him. Was not the least bit thankful I had saved him from being conned out of thousands of pounds. He still went on another holiday with her knowing she was a scammer.

Then he went on another holiday just a week later after getting back and met a third woman, again he was saying this one would be moving in within a matter of days of meeting her. But her sister intervened and the relationship floundered.

He went on another holiday two weeks later, the week before Xmas, met another woman and on 11th Jan he went back down to where she lives, collected her and brought her to his home on an opened ended visit. He removed all my mother’s remaining things from their home, and this woman is now in what was my mother’s bedroom and home. I haven’t seen him since she arrived, he barely talks to me and says I am the one who is in the wrong because I don’t want to go and meet her, I can't face seeing her in what was my mum's home. He hasn’t been truthful with her about his previous women. It is only barely a year now since mum died, this is the 4th woman he has been involved with, she is in my mum’s home, he spent a total of 8 days on the coach trip holiday before he brought her up here, and he thinks I am in the wrong for not wanting to meet her. It was 6 years yesterday since my own husband died of cancer, although my dad knew he didn’t even bother to text me to say hope you are okay or anything.

I feel I have to walk away from this, but my head is reeling. It is like he just threw my mother’s memory and 54 years of marriage in the bin. I can’t see any other outcome but relationship breakdown between us. He doesn’t even want to talk on the phone, it is obvious, all he says is how wonderful she is, how happy they are and he has no interest in seeing me that is for sure. I am his only child. He thinks I am unreasonable for not wanting to meet Girlfriend number 4.

A lot of widowers get involved soon after their DW dies. They miss being “looked after” by a woman.

I think all you can do is keep extending the olive branch, keep communicating with him.

Your dad is elderly and knows he doesn't have long to live and just seems to be seizing the day so he is NBU.

You just lost your mother and are still deeply grieving and I am sure it's devastating to see your father behave this way and apparently disrespect your mother's memory. So you are NBU either.

How people react to death isn't right or wrong. But you may well just want to step away unless he gets in touch as his behaviour is obviously upsetting you.

You are in a difficult situation, do you have any siblings or extended family you can talk to?

No suggestions really, but I would try to keep communications open.

Maybe he has been overwhelmed by the attention and it has gone to is head. I guess there are more older women than men.

That sounds hard for you, OP. I’m sorry about your mum and I’m sorry your relationship with your dad is so difficult right now.

But it’s his life. He can date if he wants to. At his age, I don’t blame him for not waiting around. It is obviously and understandably painful for you so soon after losing your mum. And I can understand why you are worried about the possibility of him getting scammed. But it really is his life, his home and his decision to make.

As an aside, my dad started dating a woman just a few months after my mum died. They got married a year or so later, she moved into the house my mum lived in and they are still together 20 years on. I always felt that she was a positive- she brought my dad back to life after he’d lost everything. I appreciate your situation is different but I think your only concern should be your dad’s happiness.

My dad met someone about a year after mum died. He was in his late 70s and she was about 15 years younger. I was happy for him at first but it soon became apparent that they really weren't suited. They broke up and got back together many times during their year long relationship. It didn't help that they had very different beliefs, she is evangelical Christian and dad is an atheist.

They booked their wedding and I was organising a reception for them at our home as a wedding gift. The wedding was called off after dad told her he was leaving his house to his children. 🙈. I wanted him to find happiness but am glad it petered out as they were so unsuited.

Dad is now happily single although he misses mum. Grief and loneliness does strange things at times ☹️

I meant to add I am so sorry for your loss, of your mum, of your husband and your dad. I think you can only try to keep communication open as best you can, hope he realises what you mean to him, and take care of your own mental health. If that means not meeting up with his lady friends, then so be it. 🌷

I understand OP, as my dad did something pretty similar after my mum died. It was incredibly hurtful to see my mum instantly replaced. You’re not unreasonable to be upset by this - you”ll only ever have one mum.

Grief does do funny things to people but that doesn’t mean that your dad has the right to ride roughshod over all your feelings and memories and for you to have to be ok with that.

i had to detach a bit to protect myself and allow myself space to grieve my mum. I now think of the time that we had together as a family almost as a different life.

Sounds absolutely devastating for you OP.

I would continue not meeting these women, it's an awful experience for you as you have lost your Mother.

Cut out all talk of them with him and keep low contact/conflict with your Dad. He sounds very selfish and PP's saying it's his life, well true and he's chosen dating what sound like very unpleasant women over you and the memory of your Mum.

Try and keep things cordial but you don't have to hear about or meet these women.

So sorry OP, this is what my dad did as well, a string of women who apparently were wonderful. Taking them out to dinner, going on holiday, doing the things for them he never did for my mum. Now he has announced he wants to marry the latest one. He has dated about a dozen women in the few years since my mum died. All have come with a massive amount of baggage. I keep low contact now.

I am so sorry, especially after losing your own DH too 💐

I am not sure how I would have reacted, but I know I wouldn't have liked it and would have felt it disrespectful to my mum.

As others have said, he isn't doing anything wrong, and had he been 40 years younger maybe it wouldn't seem quite so odd.

This is possibly his way of dealing with grief and I think you should keep the lines of communication open in case he finds himself in a dodgy situation. But I would be keeping my distance and remembering my mom in my own way.