To think DH could have done a bit more

[Mumof2NDers]

So DH and I both work FT. He’s home by 2:15, I’m usually home by about 6:30.
I get stuff in for tea on my way home(if we have nothing in) which adds about 30 minutes onto my day.
DH will wash the dishes (always leaves the cutlery in the dirty water?) and hoover the living/dining room. Then he takes the dog out for about 3 hours.
He cooks tea while I tidy up.
Since DF passed away 3 years ago I spend my Saturdays with DM. Taking her for her food shop and a look round the shops.
Sundays I do the big house clean, the washing and ironing and cook a roast dinner.
The dog has a cut paw at the moment and can’t be walked. DH has done no more than usual in the house.
AIBU to think he could’ve done a bit more so I could’ve had a bit of a break on Sunday?

I agree. Seems logical to do your own food shopping at same time.

I'm sorry but taking the dog out for 3 hours is mental. Do you know 100% he's actually doing this?

Yes. He does it Saturday and Sunday too.

I decided to have a conversation with him about it.
I’ve just said if you can’t take the dog out tomorrow you can help me sort the house out.
He asked “what needs doing?” God give me strength!
I’ve also just mentioned that he hasn’t had to walk the dog this week so he could’ve done a bit more.
He replied “yeah I miss my walks!”
I asked him why he didn’t do a little bit more to help me out. He said I guess I’m just a lazy bastard!

Sundays are wasted cooking a big roast. Stop doing that and have some time to yourself.

I know that it feels like he should just realise, and he should really, but I've learned lately that people have incredibly and wildly different priorities and ideas. We're so trapped in our own perspective we look at them and wonder how they could POSSIBLY not see the issue, yet they really don't.

I also came across this saying recently "unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments" and it's so true. I think it needs to be discussed first then look for change. Sometimes it needs to be direct, trying to imply just leads to the above where the other person still doesn't see.

OP I'm sorry to say this, it's not malicious but he's not a good egg or doing his fair share. He's fucking off for 3 hours a day doing what he wants to avoid most of the household tasks.

The fact he has the dog with him in his 3 hour walks and it can then be seen as a contribution is why he's got away with it for so long.

It's wild you don't think he's selfish and lazy. That's not blame you in any way, it's his issue. But he's really worked to get away with this!

With these rants I do wonder how much is one person 'useless' and how much is one person deciding extra things need to be done and then presuming the other person has to do them?

Work out what is essential, split that and ignore the rest

If that was for me: no ranting was involved.
I guess I’m just feeling that he’s thoughtless and doesn’t consider me very much.
And I don’t decide that extra things need doing. I just like the house clean and tidy He has eyes and should be able to see what needs doing.

Thanks for your post. And thanks for your blunt honesty. Reality check for me. I’m going to sit down tomorrow and do a rota for the week. Start online shopping and sort this shit out!

Three hours is too long for the poor dog an hour and a half, is long enough, poor thing will end up with arthritis, I'd be more concerned about talking to him about this than housework.
But he seems to do his fair share

Can you not do a weekly food shop with your mum, while she's doing hers?

He is taking the piss. It isn't about 'helping you out'. That suggests that all the chores are your responsibility and he is, clearly, very happy to let you have all that responsibility. He needs to see the chores as tasks that, as a full grown adult, he has equal need to do. You are not his mother.

Walking the dog for 3 hours is not required and he is choosing to do this to avoid doing anything else.

Do you get 3 hours a day to do what you choose to do? I suspect not. So you need to work towards sharing the responsibility for and doing the chores so that you can both have equal down time.

Jesus wept.... he is not doing even half of a fair share. How is the bar still so low in 2024, that any nod in the direction of cooking or housework is seen as fair. Sometimes i get stuck in and oh doesn't lift a finger. Today I'm still in bed. He's picking up a grocery click and collect that he did online yesterday, he doesn't do much cooking, I enjoy it. He does the shopping.