Ds been at her house

[balloonss]

This isn't an aibu. I just don't know where to post.

Ds has just come home from his dads - well his dads new gf house. They have been together for 8 weeks. He introduced ds to her after 3 weeks.

I'm currently divorcing his dad due domestic abuse. He is toxic.

He wasted no time meeting his new girlfriend and this relationship is definitely rushed. Well in my opinion it is. I'm sure he lives there now but he had no where to live when he left me.

There's nothing I can do. I know. I don't even speak to exh unless I have too. I'm grey rock but it doesn't mean it's not hard

Ds is back with me now and seems happy. He had a good day though i think he's confused. He has no idea who these new people are (he's met her children and today they've all spent the day together). His dad isn't spending the day he has just him and ds. He's trying to create this new family so quickly. There's no quaintly time from exh trying to rebuild his relationship with his son.

Ds is telling me bits and bobs about his day which I'm acknowledging and being positive about. I haven't asked him any questions other than if he had a nice day.

Ds is having well being sessions at school and thru are trying to help him deal with the separation.

I had limited contact due to the fact his dad is abusive.

It's just hard. Don't know why I'm posting. Me and ds have a lovely close bond and I know nothing will break that. I just wish my ex could put ds first.

It feels like it's all to spite me.

Your son is young - I’m sure he hasn’t thought too much about it.

He went to stay with his dad, his gf and met some children - it’s very simplistic to young children

They won’t be overthinking it. He was safe & happy

Focus on things you can change in life not the things you can’t. That was a lesson I had to learn myself.

OP, that sounds really stressful. Try to keep focussed on DC and blank out how ex is behaving. It's his choice to start a new family and you do not need to try and control that, nor can you. Equally your ex can't control you anymore.
What is the sitch with lawyers, custody etc?
Focus on rebuilding your life with DC and make sure you are getting the fair amount of money from him. You can go NC other than to discuss child and put him and his 'allegedly perfect' new family out of your mind. If he is doing it to spite you, who knows? It does not really matter in the grand scale. He was an abusive dick and you got away, don't let him get in your head any more.

This is the hardest thing about co-parenting. Accepting that you can't control what happens when your kids are with the other parent. You're right that it's far too quick and possibly won't last but your son will be ok. My ex has introduced DD to close to a hundred women over the years. Shes been upset by him finishing with one or two but honestly she thinks that's just how dad is and doesn't take anything too seriously. Hasn't stopped her developing a lovely strong bond with her stepdad who is the only man I've introduced her to. Try not to worry

He is not paying any child support. I have been through the child maintenance service, he was supposed to make his first payment on Friday (back dated) and he hasn't paid it. Another reason why it seems all out of spite.

I know I can't control it and I don't want too. I'm not going to day anything and like I say, I don't speak to him unless he contacts me. I am completely NC really.

It just has been so much to take in a short period of time

No one falls in love faster a than a bloke needing somewhere to live;just saying.

And more fool the GF for ignoring the red flags and potential safety issues by moving in a bloke she has been 5 minutes;he'll start abusing her as soon as he ensures his feet are truly under the table;he'll probably get her pregnant.

Just keep an eye on your DS for anything that seems amiss and let the ex crack on.

@balloonss You poor thing. He sounds like an absolute arse. Have you got Mum, mates you can talk to? If he was abusive have you spoken to your GP about counselling? Or maybe Women's Aid?
Focus purely on your own and DC wellbeing as opposed to what he's upto.
Don't let him and his antics drag you down. Easier said than done I know x

It's horrible isn't OP? My ex it seemed could never spend a weekend alone with my DS giving him quality time, they were always at friends or girlfriends houses because he basically didn't want to do any of the grunt of childcare responsibilities such as cooking, cleaning and entertainment for 4 days a month.

For sure your ex will have the new girlfriend running rings to care for your DC while he sits back and pays nothing in terms of money and time and effort.

There's very little you can do, act neutral, and accepting, being too uber positive could stop your DS opening up to you if he's unhappy there. When my ex's girlfriend wanted to give him things to bring home my exh would love to issue statements about how crazy and jealous I would get. When DS told me this I just told him that it was a wonderful thing on the world to have lots of people love him, so why would I be mad? It was a constant ping pong battle in his strategy to try and break me.

My DS didn't want to upset the apple cart, so he never complained, however it all came out later when his father fled the country and abandoned him. Turns out he was never really that happy on his dad weekends. He sees through it all now as a young adult. It breaks my heart to think on it, but I was powerless to change it.

My heart goes out to you. It must be the absolute pits having to co-parent your precious child with a toxic arse who won't put them first.

The only thing you can do is make sure that your time with ds is healthy and happy, and that he knows he comes first with you and can always talk to you about anything that's bothering him. If it helps, I am from a divorced family - I had one toxic, selfish parent and one who loved me and centred my needs. It was enough, and I am very close to that parent now (and NC with the crap one).

It sounds very hard for you OP. It's always hard when an exp moves on to another partner at the speed of light and it must be even harder because he's dragging your DC to meet her so quickly too. Try not to think about it. When he has DS find something nice for you to do. This is now your special time just for you. I used to have a leisurely hot bath, put a hot oil conditioner on my hair, slather myself in moisturiser, trim my toe nails, pedi my feet, and paint my nails. I was determined not to spend the time doing housework. I started to look forward to the 'me' time. Keep complaining to CMS eventually they will get his employer to take the money before he gets it.

He's not doing this to spite you.
He's doing this as he is a lazy article who had nowhere to live and needed someone to help/take over the child care and associated chores on his weekends. Far easier for your DC to be lumped in with her DCs.
Such a shame for your DC.

This is the most painful thing I've ever been through. Ex has a long history of multiple relationships. When I met him he had nothing but I believed he had been single for some time - I've found out since this was not the truth. He's just following the same pattern as his old ways. We were together for 8 years. He would say I changed him - clearly not.

I know I can't say anything. It's not my place and I've just got to let it happen.

It's like there's 2 sides of it. Ds is most important. He's only young and I want to protect him as much as possible... it seems impossible to do with exh.mum doing everything I can be there for him and make sure he's ok.

Then there's the breakdown of the marriage and the heartbreak that comes with that. As I say, he was and still is abusive. I've done the freedom programme and I'm working with woman's aid. I don't miss him. It's strange - I'm just grieving I think.

The new girlfriend clearly has similar morals to him which worries me. It's scary how she thinks it's ok to move exh so soon.

I'm just going to snuggle ds tonight. He's absolutely shattered and quite grumpy which is understandable

Thank you to everyone who understands. I am moving on. I am healing. I don't want him back - I'm not jealous or bitter.

I'm just broken

There is a chance that this woman is a lovely person and she'll be a positive influence in your son's life. I hope this will be the case. I'm sorry you're so stressed.

Both the ex and new gf sound like absolute twats who don’t think about the kids and just selfishly think about themselves.

Don’t feel upset or angry, just laugh at how pathetic they both are.

I don't think your son will be thinking about it anywhere near as much as you are, if at all tbh. I introduced my kids to my partner after 2 months, he's fab with them and we have been together for 4.5 years. There's no set timescale for this, everyone has an opinion on this though.

I hope so - I don't have anything against her. Hope it's not coming across that way. I'm just worried for my son as I know what my ex can be like. I was always there to calm things down. I don't know the new gf personally but I know of her and she isn't someone that would keep the peace either. She's quite firey. I just worry for ds

That's fine, I'm glad it worked out for you.

This isn't just about the new relationship though. It's the fact he is abusive too. And he can't be on his own. Ds isn't his priority at all.

Well done for being positive with DC. Lots of mums wouldn't be.

As hard as it is, DC just has to be the priority. As long as he feels happy and loved, everything else will fall into place.

And when things get really tough, just silently rejoice that you're not with the arsehole any more.

DS is telling me bits and bobs about his day which I'm acknowledging and being positive about. I haven't asked him any questions other than if he had a nice day

I think you're doing brilliantly to have managed this!

But he's not abusing your son I assume ( well at least I hope not). This is a different matter and unfortunately, is nothing to do with you.

@HalloumiGeller no it's not different.

I didn't want to drip feed. He has other dc that he no longer sees.

If ds ever is badly behaved, I can guarantee ex wouldn't see ds for a while. He sulks and gets extremely angry over his own dc behaviour - why I am worried that there would not be a responsible person present if this were to ever happen. While I don't expect this to happen anytime soon, once the honeymoon period wears off I'm sure it will change.

He is not paying maintenance to me which is classed as financial abusive towards me and my son.

He has sent me multiple messages to say he doesn't want to see ds anymore.

He doesn't FaceTime ever. Doesn't ask how he is. While this isn't abuse, he's not an active father at all.

His older dc (from 2 separate relationships) have all chosen themselves to stop seeing him as they got older (9 and 12) so I have every right to be cautious

Soooo you had a child with a man who clearly already had little to do with his other kids? To the point where they no longer wish to see him, wow. This was never going to go well really was it.

@HalloumiGeller I still have an amazing relationship with my step children. I've been in their lives for 7 years. They still come to my house every other weekend.

They witnessed what their dad was like towards the end and decided they didn't want to see him anymore.

Thank you, I know what I have to do for ds. I've let it all out now he's asleep x

I have no advice, but just to say you sound like a really great mum. Especially in the way you chatted to your DS when he got back.