Fights with teenage kids

[3sausagedogs]

My kids are 18, 14 and 13 and I’m a single mum. I work full time and I don’t earn enough for a cleaner, or to pay for any help. My mum lives miles away and refuses to ever help out. I do all my own housework, cooking, shopping etc and I’m exhausted! My kids are lazy! They are so messy and their bedrooms are gross! I’m sick of shouting at them to just pick up after themselves or to do small chores like unpack the dishwasher etc. My ex doesn’t see the kids so they go to his parents every other weekend. They only go every other Saturday night so I don’t get much time without them. I look forward to this time as I literally blitz the house and go to the gym. It’s one night where I don’t have to make sure there’s food for them, cook, pick up after them etc. My middle daughter refused to go this time to the grandparents saying she wants to stay home and we got into a huge fight! I lost my temper and shouted at her and forced her really to go. I hate myself for it and she cried but I’m just so desperate for a break. I hate myself as I should put her first, but I can’t stand my kids sometimes when they are just so lazy and messy! Rant over but does anyone else feel like this about their kids?

This situation didn’t just happen overnight. Your kids aren’t suddenly not going to be lazy, you will need instigate a carrot and stick strategy to encourage change.

You need to put some structure. Teens have much tolerance to chaos than adults and they will drive you insane before the bother with any chores.
I suggest you to organise a proper meeting with all of them and make a timetable with chores ( I come from a big family, and we all had chores since I can remember!).
You need to be consistent and firm with all and accept No excuses (exams, training, whatever). You will be doing them a great favour by preparing them for adulthood. Wifi, food they love, laundry… everything has a price for you so don’t feel guilty if you use them as a coin.

I’ve been on at them for ages to help out and it goes in one ear and out the other! I shout, bride, talk to them and nothing changes if anything they act like me asking is nagging

3sausagedogs - Of course they won't listen because they don't want to have to do any chores. Given the choice I wouldn't want to spend my time cooking, cleaning etc but it's part of life.

Like a pp said sit down with them and draw up a rota. If they don't do what's on the list then just leave it. Just wash your own clothes and cook your own meals. They will soon change when they realise that you mean it. Some tough love is needed here.

I’m sorry you are feeling like this. What would make it better? Could you arrange a washing basket in their rooms and ask them to bring it down on say Wednesdays and Saturdays. Maybe have a stack of paper plates for any food they want to take to their rooms and then they can put plates in a bin in their room. I know you will get a lot of posters saying it’s your fault and you need to make them behave better and be more clean and tidy. But teenagers are tough going and the easier you can make it for them to be tidy the better it is.

They are all old enough to cook, so stop doing it for them.