Elopement plans

[Longfortheplains]

My partner and I are looking to elope this year. We have 4 children between the ages of 15 and 6. The plan is for us to have a small ceremony with our children and 2 witnesses (friends). To avoid interference from others we do not intend to inform close family until after the event at a planned small family gathering.

We are both introverts and we have never got round to organising a wedding for a variety of reasons including cost and not wanting to have big wedding along with the attention it brings. In a recent general conversation about marriage, I mentioned to my brother that IF we were going to do it we would just elope and have a small family celebration after the event where we would inform our parents/rest of family. My brother said this is completely unreasonable and they would want to be there and our parents (inc my elderly mother) would be devastated/never get over it. Our issue is cost and anxiety over having a bigger event than we would wish for. If we invite one sibling we need to invite them all (there are 5 in total). Then we would need to invite their children etc and our mothers would want other relatives invited with obvious cost implications.

I suffer with anxiety and I am better in informal, relaxed small groups. Both myself and my partner do not like being the centre of attention. However, we do not want to upset anyone and I feel like our elopement will cause fall outs and unintended upset to our parents (both sides have never had one of their children have a "big" wedding so the pressure is on us). We have put this off for too long already and wish to formalise our relationship to get our children the additional legal security that marriage brings without fuss.

Are we being unreasonable to elope without informing family? Are we being selfish? Has anyone else been in this situation and been able to navigate the issues with minimum upset? Have any of you regretted eloping due to family fallouts it may have caused? Thoughts please?

My Brother married his long term partner without telling any relatives. It was a registry office with two of their friends as witnesses. A big family wedding does seem pointless if you are already a longstanding couple. I didn't mind but would have liked to send a present. I did get them something next time we saw them.

Could you do a video link (with their side muted) at an undisclosed location so nobody can gatecrash? Alternatively, have the day you both want.

No one can tell you that you are unreasonable or not as it depends on circumstances, I couldn't do that to my parents, but equally they are not interfering. We are having a small wedding, circa 25 people later this year, nobody is interfering except my adult dd who wants (well has told me) she is matron of honour, which seems to mean I get out of organising lots if things, win win.

It's definitely a case of your choice, but not giving notice that you intend to do this, or dropping hints that this is your preference could backfire

We eloped with our 2 kids (4&2 at the time) and the venue at gretna organised them

i couldn’t care less about offending people. It had nothing to do with then. Even though my parents wouldn’t have interfered it was our day. MIL on the other hand would have said all geriatric aunts should have been invited!

they loved us and we are still happy

your brother needs to get over himself. And stop talking about the wedding

I feel like our elopement will cause fall outs and unintended upset to our parents (both sides have never had one of their children have a "big" wedding so the pressure is on us)

So, on what grounds is your brother claiming it would be unfair if you were to elope, if none of your siblings have had big family weddings ?

My first ceremony was a register office wedding and we just had 2 mates with us as witnesses - precisely because I couldn't bear the thought of (a) being the centre of that much attention and (b) wasting money on a party. For the second ceremony (civil partnership) we went all out and had three mates with us at the ceremony.

Bugger people "being upset because they'd want to be there". It's your life, your choice and you clearly don't want a 'wedding'.

Stop talking about it ! Just do it your way - everything will be fine.

We eloped, just us, 2 strangers as witnesses! We did tell our immediate family as we needed childcare! And it would have made them sad to not even know. They were all fab about it, except my mum. But she likes a drama! It was the best decision for us and an amazing day. Good luck

Absolutely don't have a 'big' wedding if you don't want it, registry office and small family celebration after is absolutely fine (and more traditional if we're being sticklers about it than an extravagant 100 person + affair which have really only become commonplace in the last 50 years or so). And particularly like you say if that's what your siblings did then it seems odd that it's such a big deal for you to do the same.

But is there a reason you don't want your immediate families (parents and siblings) there? Excluding them does have a bit of a flavour of family fall out or family disapproval about it (as does the use of the term 'elopement', I know people today use it to mean any small informal wedding but it's meaning always used to mean running away to be married in secret without your family's approval and/or because one or both of the couple was under age, which to me always seems a bit silly when the couple is middle aged and of long standing, have kids etc, the notion of parental permission becomes a bit redundant).

If it's really going to cause that much of a drama why not just not tell anyone you're married full stop? Nothing will change in your day to day lives after all. Or if you do want to celebrate this as an important occasion with your nearest and dearest, could they not have the option to attend the actual event with you? Sorry if that's an old fashioned view, I know on MN the received wisdom is noone has the right to be upset about being excluded from their children's weddings, but in reality many people rightly or wrongly do view getting married as an emotionally significant event and while it's not right to be horrible about it or kick off, personally I can see why it would hurt at least a bit...

Yes, you are being incredibly selfish and you will upset people, but it’s your wedding.

You can’t expect people to like your choices, and if you’re going to make this decision you have to be okay with upsetting them and be able to deal with it.

If your family would "never get over" you getting married without them there then they sound like self centred drama llamas. It's not about them. Many people are put off having a wedding and the legal and financial provision they get from being married due to relatives' often unrealistic expectations of what a wedding should look like.
I'd just get on with it.

I don't think you're doing anything working with eloping at all - your wedding your choice. If family members feel left out that's their prerogative.

However, I was wondering what the family gathering is that's already planned? I'd Be extremely careful of announcing your wedding it a family members birthday/christening/special anniversary etc as that's obviously got over shadowing vibes

Sorry I mis-read your OP. So you're actually going to arrange a family gathering to celebrate your wedding?

I'd imagine that for the same cost you could have them at the ceremony followed by a small gathering? Also, I'm not understanding how it would reduce the anxiety of being centre of attention? Surely it's actually making it worse as you'll have the uncertainty of their reactions to add into the mix with potential family drama

Op please stick to your original plan! It sounds perfect.
Don't do the afternoon tea the day after, tell the inlaws that youl plan something at a later date and then just keep postponing any planning.

Marriage is about you and your partner.
Do what you want and don't worry about the fall out! Just focus on the day for the two of you!!

Best wedding I went to (Australia) was a housewarming bbq.
Hosts disappeared after lunch and reappeared on their veranda with a celebrant and got married.
Close family present but minimal faff.
Can you do something similar?