AIBU - same sex marriage, baby

[fizzypencils]

Apologies in advance for the long post.

Myself & my partner are in a same sex relationship. Female. We have baby, both legally and equally their parent, I am biological parent. We are getting married later this year, wedding was booked pre-baby. It is a small wedding with 30 during the day and a further 50 at night.

My partner and her mum have a difficult relationship. It was good until her now husband came on the scene. Partner and stepdad don't see eye to eye AT ALL, both fiery characters, he has never agreed with her sexuality, generally made her teenage years very difficult. The arguments resulted in her having to stay with her grandparents permanently. She has 2 (adult) sisters who love the stepdad very much and call him "dad". She has always felt like an outsider from this perspective, not fitting the conventional family mould, they have a family group chat without her in it, etc. Regularly meet up and don't invite her.

Her relationship with her mum has improved somewhat in recent years. Can go weeks without seeing each other but do text several times a week. Mum has admitted to her that she sees it wasn't "all her" back then and the stepdad was at fault too. Partner felt v much like mum chose stepdad over her at a time when she really needed her mum.

Her mum told her previously that if she had a child with a woman, she wouldn't view them as her grandchild. Since denies saying that.

When we booked our wedding, we extended an invite to both mum & stepdad. Mainly as it'll be the first time her mum sees her biological dad in 20+ years since their divorce and we thought she'd welcome the support. Her mum quickly told us that the stepdad won't be attending as he doesn't agree with same sex marriage.

Since the baby was born, her mum has referred to herself as grandma and buys him gifts, etc. First baby in the family. She also makes a point of saying that stepdad has picked some of the gifts and looks forward to teaching him sports etc. when he's older. She doesn't visit often, they live 50 minutes away. She is always welcome to but doesn't drive (stepdad does). Stepdad has met baby once, when we took baby to their house. They regularly visit partner's sister who lives further away than we do.

Partner queried this with her mum, saying that it doesn't make sense that he has such strong views towards same sex marriage but apparently not babies conceived in the context of a same sex relationship. We feel like they are mutually exclusive. Her mum said it's just the marriage part he doesn't agree with. Asked if it was a knee-jerk reaction saying he wouldn't come to the wedding and was then told he would come after all. She also said - quote - "he would never say anything to the baby, just like with drug users children it's not their fault how they were brought into the world". I can't see how you can compare a much loved, much wanted baby to an accidental conception by a drug user.

She signed off the Christmas card to baby from grandma and granddad.

She has made irritating comments almost every time we see her. On one occasion when she came to our house she said "what's the baby even got to do with partner" due to baby having the same surname as me, partner will be taking my surname when we marry hence the reason behind this. Baby has partner's surname as middle name. Her mum doesn't have this surname either since she re-married to stepdad many years ago.

She regularly makes comments about how she never gets to see the baby and it's so unfair. As I said, she is welcome any time but always expects us to drive to see her, even just after the baby was born. Baby is a matter of months old currently. On my partner's few days off it's difficult to find a time to go to see her - the stepdad has a hobby which she accompanies him to, even though there is no requirement for her to do so. This takes up several days in the week. She regularly makes comments about how I always take baby to see my mum and we always keep my mum informed and not her. My partner tries her best to update her as quickly as possible but works 40+ hours a week (shifts) and frequently sends pictures, etc. I am very close with my mum, as is my partner. Partner feels she needs to make a conscious effort to keep her mum in the loop so she doesn't kick off.

Her mum and stepdad went to partner's sister's house recently to help build a fence, took several days to complete. Her mum took no part in the fence building but just accompanied the stepdad. She could have easily got him to drop her off at our house en route to spend the day with baby but didn't suggest doing so.

After discussing with friends, we felt it wasn't appropriate for stepdad to be at the wedding, given his views and given she doesn't get along with him. She tried to sensitively tell her mum this by saying that the guest list numbers are tight, we have ran over and when we drafted the list he had said he wasn't coming. Her mum kicked off royally, saying we will need to cut other people off the list to allow him to come. My partner said "why would we allow him to come over people we actually see regularly" and her mum then started going on about how she never sees us, how she never gets to see the baby, how we always go to see my mum, etc etc etc. She said when we do go and see her we always cancel on her but wasn't able to name a time this has ever happened. I think she's referring to occasions where we've had a loose time to visit and the baby has been sleeping, she's then said "just leave it then". She then said "when you say a time, 12 becomes 1, etc". We have a young baby who feeds on demand, we're obviously going to make sure they are happy and fed before we set off for 50 minutes in the car and It makes absolutely no difference to her what time we go at. She has 3 kids of her own and should know better about how hard it is to get out the house sometimes. This particular argument resulted in her mum crying, saying she'll make it "easy" for us and won't come to the wedding, then left.

Partner text her mum soon after saying she was sorry that she was crying and her mum apologised for taking everything personally. She text again a few days later saying she will pay for stepdad to come. It doesn't come down to money ultimately although this is the way my partner presented it to her to try to spare her feelings.

My partner feels like she should explain to her mum that she just isn't comfortable with the stepdad coming due to his views and she'd tried to spare her feelings but is worried about her mum falling out with her and ceasing contact as their relationship is better now than it was for many years.

We also don't particularly want baby around the stepdad given his views towards us but feel that our feelings aren't taken into consideration in this and we're being made to feel unreasonable - like he has a divine right to see the baby. He's not a toy, we want to raise our child to be strong and proud to have two mums and not feel like he is disadvantaged. Everyone else in our family and friends are very supportive and our baby is extremely loved.

Again, apologies for the long read. Thoughts and suggestions on how to navigate this would be welcome please.

poor DP being treated so badly by her family.

would minimise DC’s contact with grandad and DP might benefit from having lower contact with MIL!

@Loopytiles thank you. The trouble is, the less contact partner tries to have with her mum, the more her mum makes comments about how she never sees baby, it's so unfair, she never gets told about anything, she bets I've told my own mum X Y Z, yada yada yada! As an example, partner had told her sisters, who she was texting at the time, that baby had been referred by the gp to a specialist for a relatively minor issue needing to be checked out. Within half an hour, her mum had been ranting at her that she hadn't been told yet. She was just home from an 11 hour shift and was going to call her mum that evening, but she hadn't got round to it quite yet.

Your poor partner. Her mother is a poor excuse for one - her whole family in fact.

Has she ever actually talked properly with her mother about her behaviour? Her mother is lucky to get the time of day from her frankly.

Focus on your family. Your step-father in law to be is a homophobe and her mother's not much better. Of course there's no longer a place for him if he said he wasn't coming due to disagreeing with the wedding due to homophobia. He's got a nerve to even ask. My Dad's quite homophobic theoretically and a bad person overall but he was smart enough to realise he wasn't invited to mine and my wife's wedding if he was going to be homophobic. In the end he couldn't come and it was so much more peaceful. Put boundaries in that are good for you and your immediate family. Have people you want at your wedding and in your life.

@Merryoldgoat pre stepdad, her mum did a lot for her when she was a child. It's just been since the stepdads arrival in her teens that her mum changed towards her. She did act out as a result of this and probably wasn't an easy teenager by any stretch (if there ever is an easy teenager) but it was a time where she needed her mum and she felt pushed aside and turned against because of her stepdad's feelings towards her. Her mum never sees any fault in her actions (or the actions of stepdad, their immediate family circle, etc) so she's very difficult to reason with - she frequently makes out she's hard done by. It's also difficult for my partner as she knows her mum won't be feeling great about seeing her bio dad for the first time in years and does sympathise in this respect, which is why the invite was extended to stepdad in the first place (for the mum's support).

@easilydistracted1 thank you. It's a struggle as the more we try to focus on those who are supportive of us and love us very much, the more her mum kicks off about the fact that we can't just gloss over everything that comes out of their mouths and their actions. It seems they can do and say as they please and if we don't dance to their tune, we're unreasonable. They cherry-pick what parts they do and don't agree with and we're just meant to be fine with that and indulge them in the parts they do agree with.

Until your partner resolves her issues around her mum, there isn't really a solution. Her mum has made it clear that she and the stepfather come as a package on their terms, and the stepfather has made it clear he condemns your partner's sexuality and your family setup. There isn't a compromise to be had. Currently the only way this is working is that your partner is sucking it up and letting them dictate to her and bully her. Unless she can unpick the reasons for wanting her mum in her life (FOG?) and establish some boundaries for herself, this situation will continue. She probably needs a lot of therapy.

tbh it sounds incredibly likely that as soon as one of your partner's siblings has a DC the mum will lose all interest in yours, as they will see that as a 'real' grandchild. From everything you've said sounds like the mum only has an interest in your DC now (and I'd say a vague interest at best as she's hardly making an effort to see them) because they are her only grandchild. Once she has others that will see her more often and meet her criteria of what a "proper" GC is (i.e biologically linked to her, conceived in a heterosexual relationship), I bet she will lose all interest. so personally I would cut the strings now rather than letting your DC get used to them and them then disappear.

Read Toxic Inlaws. You’re not alone.

I’d uninvite them both, painful in the short term, will save you both more pain in the long run.

You can’t negotiate with hateful, bigoted, manipulative arseholes like this.

Congratulations on your new baby and forthcoming nuptials! Focus on the three of you and surrounding yourselves with only people who love, respect and cherish you. Your DP’s mum has managed to shit all over two momentous happy events in your lives and the wedding hasn’t even happened yet.

@BalletBob I think she feels like you only get one mum in life, and would feel guilt if something happened to her mum and she wasn't talking to her. She also says that her mum did a lot for her growing up as a single parent and feels like her mum has been brainwashed by the stepdad. It seems like deep down she doesn't think she's a bad person because she was good to her as a child but that all changed when stepdad came on the scene.

@1offnamechange- I very much agree with this being a real possibility but if you dared to raise this with her she'd completely disagree and tell us how god awful we are for even suggesting that.

I don’t think the situation is actually that complicated.

You’re getting married. You initially invited both your partner’s mum and your partner’s stepdad (despite not liking either of them), then due to family tensions you’ve uninvited the stepdad, and now the mum is very upset.

I get why you don’t want him there, but it’s tough. He is married to a bride’s mum. Uninviting him is a HUGE deal.

Let’s imagine that they say oh ok he’ll stay at home. Then your partner’s mum will be trying to do her ‘mother of the bride’ role while feeling miserable and she’ll spend all day feeling awkward and upset surrounded by couples and celebrating a marriage yet not being ‘allowed’ to have her own husband there.

I think you’ve both gone a bit bridezilla. It is not unusual to invite a family member you don’t like to a wedding in order to keep the peace. Let him come, stick him at the bar, and ignore him. Trust me that will be a much easier solution then having a big family upset over it that will never be forgotten.

To sum up: it is not ok to uninvite a bride’s stepdad, and it is not something you can do without causing some huge rows and lifelong grudges. Don’t like him? Get over it. Be the bigger person. Grow up.

Personally I wouldn't have step Dad at the wedding considering he is deeply homophobic. I would just tell Mum that he's not welcome and why and either she can come without him or she can choose not to and you are not prepared to talk about it anymore. This women basically picked this homophobic man over her gay child. It's messed up. I think it's the Mum that needs to grow up and deal with her choices.

Good advice

If he doesn't consider it a wedding, why on earth would he want to attend?

@Ellysetta your post isn’t really true. We invited him, he declined due to being homophobic, we then said he could come if it was a knee jerk reaction, he said he would come, and we’re now thinking why are we allowing him to come after all (due to his views). Not uninviting him due to family tensions.

@nocoolnamesleft i don’t think he’d be attending through wanting to, more so to support his wife when she sees her ex-husband for the first time in many years (though that support wasn’t very important to him when he initially declined).

I see. Though not 100% convinced that's a good enough reason to tolerate a raging homophobe at a same sex wedding. I hope to god he doesn't drink, or goodness only knows what he might come out with.

@Ellysetta it's not being a bridezilla to not want to be exposed to homophobia at your own wedding

I agree. The homophobia on display by the partner’s step-father and mum is just appalling and must be deeply hurtful and hard to deal with. To not want to have that represented at your wedding is hardly ‘bridezilla’. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this OP, it sounds very complex and difficult. I hope things feel better soon.

If ypur partner wants to keep a relationship with her mum I think you'll have to invite him to your wedding.

It sounds like the mum is quite controlled by him, and uninviting him would give him ammunition against you both to distance her futher away from you.

Perhaps a reminder to them both that any homophobic behaviour on the day will not be tolerated.

It's not that she doesn't like him very much, se had to move out as a teenager because of him. Tha's not being a bridezilla ffs.

Your mum syas he has no problem with the child and is his grandad but he's met him once. And she talks about how it's not his faulyt. Sounds like you'd be better of without both of them tbh.

Your partner sounds like she's trying very hard to believe that her mother is a better person that she is. She doesn't really need to be that grateful to her mother for being good to her as a child, it's what parents do. She sounds selfish and dramatic now with her complaints of being left out, she's not supporting her daughter, she's keeping score, looking for offence where none exists and causing drama.

I think you're right not to have her stepfather at the wedding, he sounds absolutely awful, and not someone you want in your sons life. Your partner's mother may flounce off if her husband is excluded and your partner will need support, and maybe therapy, to recognise that her life would be a lot better if she was very low contact with her mum.

Wow you really didn't read the OP properly did you?

He initially declined because he is homophobic but since decided he will go after all and they now don't want him there, and rightly so.

@Ellysetta wow what a shocking reply

Thank you for your comments. Her mum sees no wrong in the stepdads views, just says everyone is entitled to their opinion, etc. My partner minimises her mum’s behaviour, she’s very accustomed to it and has learnt to accept her way and not let it get to her, she still thinks her mum means well and you only get one mum. I personally find it all quite shocking because of my good relationship with my own mum and find it harder to just let everything slide. I think also being a mum ourselves now we both agree we would never choose anyone over our baby but she just accepts her mum’s behaviour for fear of losing her

@Ellysetta
You didn't understand OP post.

On another note it is normal not to invite people who treat you badly