Not telling child’s absent father about surgery.

[Moraldilemma84]

Dd is 17 and needs fairly major surgery on her ankle. Will be happening in the next month or so.

Dd is nc with her father for the last 6 years due to emotional abuse, her choice she has refused all contact and had many sessions of counselling to deal with it.

She doesn’t want her father to know, and as far as I am concerned it’s her private medical information and her choice.

family member is causing grief and upsetting her saying he should know.

I have no intention of telling him but would like some unbiased opinions on if we are being unreasonable.

Why would he need to know? Tell the family member to butt out or you'll be cutting contact with them.

They don't get to interfere in dds relationship with her sperm donor.

Absolutely not. It would be different (possibly) if this was a high risk surgery where she could die, it’s her ankle. Whilst it’s serious, it’s entirely her choice and suggesting she should open up contact after not speaking for 6 years is completely unreasonable. She’s basically an adult, it’s her choice.

At 17, she doesn't actually have to tell either parent if she doesn't want to (provided she can get herself to/from the hospital).

(I know someone who had a minor op whilst a 17 year old at boarding school. He signed all his own paperwork, then realised just in time that he should probably let his parents know it was tomorrow, as matron might ring them to tell them how it went.)

Tell the family member less too.

She's 17, tell the family member you respect your DD decision and so should they.

Considering they wouldn’t give me my 17year DS blood test results yesterday I wouldn’t worry.

On what basis are they insisting that he should know??

they're wrong no matter what the surgery, they're wrong. She's legally old enough to not tell either of you, she's been no contact for 6 years. if it's just a 'he's her Dad'. Remind them he's not, he's her father, but he's certainly not her Dad.

I'd be pulling back from someone with that attitude!

Your DD is 17 and is perfectly able (and legally) to decide for themselves.
I would reiterate this to your relative and then point out that if your DD's father finds out then you will both know where to look and that there will be consequences.

You are absolutely the one in the right here.

Fuck him AND the family member.

Hope your daughter's surgery goes smoothly

ABSOLUTELY NOT and the family member needs telling in no uncertain terms.

What the hell has this got to do with the family member?

Medically and consent wise.shes an adult. Her choice who.she tells and lists as her NOK. Tell the relative to back off and tell them nothing. Hope it goes well

Given her age and decision to go NC of course you shouldn't tell him.

Tell the relative that it's her choice and to pack it in.

At 17 she is responsible for any medical decisions and any information she passes to anyone (parents included). I would ensure family members are aware of this and told that it would be highly inappropriate for them to pass on any information without consent.

It’s up to her. Understandably, she probably doesn’t want him to know on the off chance that he turns up at the hospital.

It sounds like you need to reconsider giving this relative updates like that in the future. They have no respect for her decision to go NC and the right to medical privacy.

This family member would be getting very short shift from me. Tell them that their attitude, rather than making you think you should tell her father, is actually making you think you shouldn't tell them in future. I hope they don't have a means of contacting her father behind your back, I'd be worried about that.

Over 16 her medical decisions are entirely her own. If she doesn't want to tell him that is her decision. Tell your family member to wind their neck in.

She's 17 its her choice who if anyone knows

Tell the family member it's not their decision to make.

It’s her choice.

we have been no contact with my child’s father for a few years now and in that time I have never contacted them when child needed operations etc.

YANBU tell family member to mind their own business.

The relative is scaremongering by implying the surgery is high risk. How insensitive and horrible of them.

Thanks for all your replies. Which has just confirmed what I already knew. I plan on showing dd this thread as well.

family member is fathers sister. Who dd has kept in contact with due to wanting to see her cousins.

I have made it very clear to her if he finds out that will be us done. And she won’t be told any information in the future.