To change mind after mediation w abusive ex

[Newmama2222]

We just had mediation for child arrangements which my ex initiated. History of emotional abuse from pregnancy and beyond. DD is 18 months and still BF, he moved when she was about 6 m old and our informal agreement since 14 months old is that she stays with ex 1 night per week. During mediation (which I was anxious about anyway knowing how manipulative he is) he tried to guilt trip me saying I am preventing him from being an active dad etc (false as I agreed to overnights immediately just to keep him happy and at arms length) and he said he wanted to trial every other weekend plus one night mid week every week. I said I think this is too much for DD as I’ve been at home with her since birth, will be going back to work part time and I’m nervous about so much change for her. She still BF and is so anxious the day after getting back from seeing him - clingy and non stop BF.

AIBU to want to stick to one night a week??

Ex is claiming he will take me to court if I don’t agree but I would have thought DD is only 18 months would courts grant this kind of arrangement?? Any advice would be so appreciated!! X

Sorry you’re going through this OP but honestly unless you’ve got any evidence that he’s emotionally abusive or a danger to your child, you being uncomfortable with it won’t matter tuppence to a court. It would be reasonable for him to ask for every other weekend or even 50/50. I doubt breastfeeding will make much of a difference given she’s 12 months so it’s not technically necessary.

You can get some limited legal advice for free with child matters so I would do that, but think your best bet is just to argue for it to be introduced/increased gradually whilst she is going through the transition of you going back to work, rather than saying no. As your decision to return to work shouldn’t impact his right to be a dad (as far as a court would see it).

Thank you for your advice @Haveyouanyjam. his emotional abuse is well documented as I was under the safeguarding team when pregnant, and he has a few times talked about physically punishing our dd (he says it’s a joke and I think at this age it probably is - albeit a weird one to make) but I do fear he would do that as she gets older. I am a bit nervous to bring that up though as I have no idea how the courts would look into that, I’ve heard stories about cafcass which scare me! I just want DD to have a peaceful life. Do you really think 50/50 would be considered while she is so young? I thought that was usually for older children. I will definitely seek legal advice - thank you! X

EOW plus one night was absolutely normal 30 years ago - you'll be fortunate if a court agrees to that instead of 50:50 at her age.

Not if she was under the safeguarding team when pregnant - and breastfeeding.
say you’ll be happy to do that in six months when she’s stopped breastfeeding.

@Newmama2222 i think once they are 12 months+ 50/50 is on the table.

The history of abuse does complicate it but if he’s safe to have her overnight, he’s safe to have her on more than one overnight, if you see what I mean. It’s hard to argue why more nights would make a difference if he’s been having her overnight for 4 months without any problems (normal for her to be anxious and clingy when she’s been away from her primary caregiver).

Definitely get the advice as without knowing the details of the history no one can give anything definitive.

Stop scaring OP. In these circumstances with a young child and given the circumstances 50:50 is really not that likely.

I’m really shocked to read these as from my understanding 50/50 would be more likely age 3+. Seems like a lot of dads don’t even start overnights until 18m (just from my own reading, could be wrong!)

I will definitely be seeking legal advice based on these answers - good I have a heads up!!

Good luck OP! You have already been reasonable in allowing overnights so that goes in your favour and the history is definitely important. He may well not actually want 50/50 as it’s very different than one night or every other weekend, much harder to play the good guy that much of the time, so don’t worry yourself, but do get the advice.

I doubt breastfeeding will make much of a difference given she’s 12 months so it’s not technically necessary

WHO recommends breastfeeding to 24 months. OP can, and should continue if that is what her and her baby want. And she should certainly use breastfeeding in court if she needs to. 50/50 at this age would be unusual particularly if OP is working full time. Stop trying your scare her.

@Workworkandmoreworknow not trying to scare her just making her aware nothing is guaranteed. You don’t have to stop breastfeeding if you aren’t with your child every other weekend. I breastfed until 21 months but it didn’t mean I never had time away from my daughter. I have been through family courts and think it is more sensible she gets legal advice for free than assumes he wouldn’t get what he’s asking for.