To think it's ridiculous that ex-sil has given my dc all this money?

[coffeerevelsrule]

I had a thread last week about my being annoyed that ex is planning to take my dc on holiday despite not paying CM. In it, I mentioned that, although I'm quite comfortably off, because of my earnings my dc won't be able to borrow the full amount for uni and that worries me. I am also due to give him £10k as a final part of the divorce settlement when dc2 is 21, so a lot of paying out on my part over the next 7 years. They're 17 and 14.

After the thread, I emailed ex telling him times that the dc don't want to be away, which they had asked me to. I also spelt out what uni costs are likely to be and how worried I am about it and whether he has any plans to make a contribution. He's low income largely through lifestyle choices but had quite a large inheritance recently and has a fairly well-off family. I've asked him many times over the years what his thoughts are on this and he has always ignored the question.

He didn't reply to the email but dc are with him this weekend and one has just messaged saying ex-sil has given them both £500 for Christmas! For context, she usually gives them £20 each for Christmas and birthdays. She has a long-term health condition and doesn't really work anymore so this will have come from savings, though I do think parents have helped her a lot financially over the years.

AIBU to think this is a bit ridiculous to say the least? This has just been given to both dc into their current accounts (which are linked to savings accounts) with, according to dc, a brief comment about saving it for university. Obviously it's as a result of my email but, lovely as it is of her, it won't touch the sides of their costs (which of course are in no way her responsibility) so I don't know what point ex thinks he's making - unless she plans to give similar amounts at regular intervals now up until uni, but nothing has been communicated to me. If this is her/his way of saying they will be making a contribution, wouldn't it be better to save it for the dc or at least sit down with them and look at ISAs. And also tell me? I'm wondering whether I should tell DC to add it to their child trust funds, which seem to do quite well.

AIBU to think this is not sensible and in no way lets ex off the hook or justifies his lack of support for the dc now?

So you were concerned about fees, your ex sil gave your dcs £500 each to put towards university costs and you are still complaining?
it would seem sensible to discuss with your dc how to save/invest the money - but commenting that it won’t touch the sides of their costs seems rather churlish given your ex sil is not responsible for supporting your dcs.

I hope your ex doesn’t think his sister’s lovely gift gets him off the hook!

I think you need to arrange a meeting with him about uni etc OP. A neutral place like a coffee shop. You won’t have the £10k to give him at this rate!

Well no, he is responsible. That's partly my point. He's got his sister to give them this but to me it doesn't change the fact that he still massively owes the dc and me.

I think you are being ridiculous. It's a gift, they should be able to do as they wish with it. Just graciously say thank you.

Your children need to work and save hard they will have the course fees paid but everything else is up in the air

At least your ex sil tried which is more than their dad has done don't be ungrateful its neither her fault nor your children's that you earn high and your ex doesn't value them

Well I won't be saying thank you as it's not been given to me!
They can do what they like with it but it's obviously been given off the back of my email so ex is now thinking that's his contribution to uni sorted!

@Theunamedcat I don't earn high, not really in today's climate. If I had plenty of money to pay for all this I wouldn't be worried. And I certainly don't blame the children for anything.

You don’t know that! She may just want to give them a gift whilst she has the money.

This. She might just be embarrassed he isnt doing anything.

Unless you've been told it's for uni or for their upkeep or whatever, if it's been to them as a Christmas present, that's what I'd assume it is

but it's obviously been given off the back of my email so ex is now thinking that's his contribution to uni sorted!

No, I don't see it as you do. You sent him an email, he bitched about his money grabbing ex to his sister. His sister thought "hang on, exSil has a good point, I've just had a large inheritance, I can gift a bit to my niece/nephew". SIL is on your side about this, don't alienate her especially since he talks to her about the kids finances/future.

You do you. But I'd always say thank you to anyone who gave my children £1000.

I certainly won't be rude to ex-sil or anything. Maybe she does feel bad that ex is so shit, I don't know. I haven't spoken to her for years and therefore don't think suddenly thanking her would be appropriate as my children are obviously old enough to thank her themselves and will have done. If I thank her it could look as if I think the money has been given to benefit me in some way.

I see it this way too.

Separate the two things in how you deal with them

1. Gift from aunt to niece and nephew - very nice, thank you required from them, and you to have chat with them about using it sensibly etc, as you would if the uni costs conversations had never happened

2. Uni costs and your ex - just continue as you were with these discussions and do not even think about or mention his sister's gift.

You say ex got SIL to give the money, how do you know he initiated this giving of the money? You also say your ex is now thinking his contribution to uni is sorted, has he said this to you, is he actually thinking this or are you just presuming this is what he’s thinking without actually knowing?

@coffeerevelsrule perhaps they has been given an inheritance also? does she have a husband and children. has your ex been concealing money via her. why do you have to give your ex 10k in 7 years time?

I would definitely not be angry at SIL for trying to do a nice thing for her nieces/ nephews. Even if it was off the back off ex saying something about your email…how generous of her.

YANBU to be angry with your ex for not communicating with you regarding your requests and his seeming willingness to contribute.

But YABU to read things into her generous gift and insult the way that she’s chosen to give it to them.

Eh???

This is a gift from a family member.

It's not really anything to do with the ex partner/ kids' other parent. Maybe she is cringing inside for her sibling and thinking what a tit they are, and this is what she has available to do what she thinks is right by the kids?

Either way, the whole business of supporting the kids is between you and your ex partner. Who will either step up, or won't.

Most kids won't get oodles of cash for living costs at uni and will have to work alongside or live at home whilst studying, that's just the way of the world now. if the means really aren't there, they could consider degree apprenticeships or some time out of study, working FT, to save. it's shit, but that's what mine will have to do despite the fact I'm on an above 'average' income (which is piddly as a lone parent).

Thanks everyone - the thread and some sleep have made me see this a lot more clearly and I regret calling her gift 'ridiculous'. It's obviously lovely and generous of her and I agree with those who have said it's completely separate from ex and his contributions, or lack thereof, and she may well be a bit ashamed of him. I'll carry on as before and just make sure dc don't piss it up the wall, which , to be fair, wouldn't be like them anyway.

OP, almost nobody has the funds to pay for their children's university costs, you are fixating on something as if it is a unique problem for you. Nearly all students get the student loan, then work to top it up. Most parents make no/a very small contribution. Your hatred of your ex is making this into an issue, when it isn't. Forget him, and move on with your life. If you can contribute a bit to your children's uni costs, then do so (graciously). If you can't, of feel outraged in having to do so, then don't. You sound very bitter.

Read your update OP, that’s definitely the right attitude to have. It’s a gift from their Aunt, nothing more, nothing less.

If your ex recently had a large family inheritance is it not also the case that your ex SIL also did? Maybe whereas she could only afford £20 gifts in the past perhaps she decided to use some of that inheritance to give her nieces/nephews a one off larger sum while she can.

It may be as a result of your ex complaining about you asking for his contribution re uni but it may not be. I am glad that having slept on it you have considered actually its a nice gesture and one she didn't even have to make.

However as regards your ex as irksome as it is that he has seemingly done all he can to dodge financial responsibility for his own kids and that the terms of your divorce are bringing this capital adjustment payment soon I think you need to accept anything he gives to the kids will be a bonus rather than expected and that they will need to get summer jobs or part-time work to supplement their student loans the same way so many students have to nowadays, even potentially taking a gap year prior to uni to stash some cash before going.

Maybe your girls aunty interpreted your email as you are short of money for the girls, and she decided they might appreciate a bit of spending money of their own if things are tight. Nothing to do with Uni. Or it was purely a gift to her nieces out of her share of the inheritance, nothing to do with your Ex or the email at all.

Whatever the reason it was a very nice gift.

I understand and personally I refused to up my hours when dd was in university because of the cut off so she got her loans it was a bit if a struggle but we all managed and she did well