To be angry she won't quit smoking

Atmywitsend21 · 2024-01-19T19:21:43+00:00

I'm sure I'll get flamed but here goes DM was diagnosed with cancer last year (not lung) Was advised to make efforts to quite smoking due to needing op and chemo/radiotherapy after etc. Has beaten all of this but along the way has managed to use every excuse going to not quit and in fact pribably smokes even more now. Her diagnoses was a massive wakeup call for me and after 20 years of smoking I quit. I am full of fear that her cancer will come back and this time she won't beat it. She was so damn lucky the first time. (I mean prognosis wise I know having cancer is not lucky) I am not saying it's easy because it isn't and I know it but she quit herself for 15 years, she can do it, I've seen her do it. As a now ex smoker she sees me as someone 'on their high horse' and will not listen when I try to explain how worried I am, my words are meaningless to her when it comes to this. And short of getting my kids to say something (which I would not do) I am literally at my wits end.

AutumnFroglets · 19/01/2024 19:27

Only the person who is suffering an addiction can stop it. No amount of education, nagging, anger, or emotional guilt will make them stop but it can harm your relationship with them. Leave them be until they say they are ready.

Having said all that, what does she feel about vapes helping to reduce her addiction? A GP would be able to signpost her to support for that.

LightenUpTheRideIsShort · 19/01/2024 19:27

You can be as angry as you like, but you can’t make her quit. All you will do is (likely) irreparably damage your relationship.
Accept her, faults and all, and enjoy having her around rather than pushing her away by nagging at her for smoking. She could get hit by a bus tomorrow.

I say this as an ex smoker (gave up 25 yrs ago) who’s parent does smoke and who’s DP has terminal cancer.

Snowydaysfaraway · 19/01/2024 19:32

When my dm was awaiting surgery for cancer she asked where the smoking area was... I was mortified.

She didn't stop.

OrigamiOwls · 19/01/2024 19:35

Unfortunately no amount of lecturing another adult is going to make them give up their addiction.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/01/2024 19:45

Let it go, op. All of this anger and wasted emotional energy is preventing you from having a good relationship with your mum during however long you have left with her. It could be a year, it could be 30 years, and that's true for everyone, whether they smoke or not. Let it go and accept the fact that she is entitled to live the way she wants to, just like you.

unicornsarereal72 · 19/01/2024 19:51

Not worth putting your energy into. Slightly different my dad had lung cancer diagnosis. We were very blessed to have 12 months with him from that point. He did not stop smoking. Wasn't really worth it then. What would it have given us a day or a week? We were blessed with time and as a family made it count.

Don't try to change her. Make each day count as best you can. Take her out for a cuppa. Send her messages.

BobbyBiscuits · 19/01/2024 19:52

If she were to use nicotine patches then her smoking would naturally decrease. She can get all that smoking cessation stuff free form the GP. The inhalator is good too (it looks like you are sucking a tampon but hey)- I fully managed to quit with those but did sadly get back on it when I had a stressful time. It is hard to quit for good. Maybe get her some of those things and frame it as a money saving exercise. Just slap this patch on, you won't notice it's there etc. Or even buy her a vape? (I know that's not ideal and I hate them, but lesser of 2 evils etc)

BeaRF75 · 19/01/2024 19:54

YABU. I have never smoked, and am not a fan of smoking, but this is your mother's choice - not yours. Maybe she thinks that the damage is done, so it won't make much difference. The bottom line is that we have to respect other people's decisions about their own health.

Pigeonqueen · 19/01/2024 19:55

I hate smoking, absolutely hate it and in fact one of the reasons I left my now ex dh was because he started smoking again after he said he’d quit. So I do get it. But as someone with chronic debilitating health issues myself sometimes there are things that make life worth living even though they’re not good for us. For me that’s cake and chocolate and I eat far, far too much of it and I know I’m overweight and that’s not good for my health issues, but equally I want some joy in my life and I can’t exercise properly (even if I lost weight) and I don’t have much else I can do so I won’t stop. It’s probably the same for your Mum. For the sake of your relationship just let it go.

rubygun · 19/01/2024 19:59

Addiction is a disease, it's not something that can be switched off easily. Some people never break their addictions. Sadly smoking is one of the hardest to quit.

SleepingBeautySnores · 19/01/2024 20:03

OP I do understand how you feel, truly I do. I've been wanting my DH to give up smoking for the last 30 odd years, he gave up once for about a year, and it was wonderful, but sadly he does tend to suffer with stress, and this is his way of dealing with it, so he started up again. I've done everything I can think of to try and persuade him to give up, but he simply buries his head in the sand, and won't consider that it could ever be him that is going to be the person who gets Cancer. Therefore, as other posters have said, I would recommend that you stop trying to get your Mum to give up, as you will only annoy her, especially as you've been able to give up yourself, and she probably thinks you're being 'holier than thou', so will dig her heels in more than ever. Just make the most of the time you have left together, and who knows, without the pressure, she might just decide for herself to give up. My Dad was an 80 a day man at one point, then he was admitted to hospital for something else. The doctor asked if he was a smoker, and he said that he was, and told him how many he was smoking. The doctor got him to light up (this was when it was still allowed, even in hospitals!) and told him to blow out the smoke through his white handkerchief. When he saw the shit that he breathed out, he was so shocked to realise that this was what he was putting inside himself day and night, and quite literally NEVER smoked again!

vodkaredbullgirl · 19/01/2024 20:06

Her choice to continue smoking.

WandaWonder · 19/01/2024 20:18

She is not a child and you can't force her

I am noticing this more once we become adults we have no right to order our parents around, (or inlaws)

Original poster

Atmywitsend21 · 19/01/2024 20:42

Thankyou all for your replies and the perspective

Just a slight note, not that it overly matters, I haven't actually asked her to quit or told her x y z blah blah. I have honestly left it to her and replied with it's your choice (as I am fully aware it is) I didn't want to add to her stress when she had a cancer diagnoses to deal with and waiting on results and dates I know is stressful and it was how she coped.

She's tried vapes, patches, gums etc, she doesn't get on with them.

Effectively she just wants to smoke and yes that's her perogative. The one thing I have had to do is not take my 3 kids round as much as she smokes in the house (her house so her rules).
I just make sure to arrange a time that is suitable for us to visit and make sure we leave before she smokes.

It is an addiction and I don't think it helps that it's not just tobacco she smokes.. That's not a judgement just an assessment of the additional difficulties to quitting.

Ultimately yes I will just suck it up as I don't want it to affect our relationship. We do go out for lunch and coffee a couple of times a week and speak on the phone every day.

OP posts:

SleepingBeautySnores · 19/01/2024 21:26

As I said earlier, I feel your pain OP, but you're clearly doing the right thing. So sorry about your Mum. Take care of yourself.

AutumnFroglets · 19/01/2024 21:33

The one thing I have had to do is not take my 3 kids round as much as she smokes in the house (her house so her rules).
That is very wise.

As a long time smoker myself, despite patches, gum, hypnosis etc, I could never manage to stop. Then I ended up in hospital for a week so I had enforced cold turkey. It seemed silly to start smoking again after 8 days so that is how I quit. Otherwise I would still be puffing away right now, and I still love the smell of lit cigarettes unfortunately :(

Original poster

Atmywitsend21 · 19/01/2024 22:23

AutumnFroglets · 19/01/2024 21:33

The one thing I have had to do is not take my 3 kids round as much as she smokes in the house (her house so her rules).
That is very wise.

As a long time smoker myself, despite patches, gum, hypnosis etc, I could never manage to stop. Then I ended up in hospital for a week so I had enforced cold turkey. It seemed silly to start smoking again after 8 days so that is how I quit. Otherwise I would still be puffing away right now, and I still love the smell of lit cigarettes unfortunately :(

There's the odd time I smell it and enjoy it so I completely get where you're coming from on that!

I know that I just have to leave her to it and if the cancer returns then we deal with it like we did the first time.

Well done for quitting, you were clearly ready else you would have gone back to it! So you deserve much more credit than you're giving yourself xx

OP posts:

MyCosyDuck · 17/04/2024 14:07

BobbyBiscuits · 19/01/2024 19:52

If she were to use nicotine patches then her smoking would naturally decrease. She can get all that smoking cessation stuff free form the GP. The inhalator is good too (it looks like you are sucking a tampon but hey)- I fully managed to quit with those but did sadly get back on it when I had a stressful time. It is hard to quit for good. Maybe get her some of those things and frame it as a money saving exercise. Just slap this patch on, you won't notice it's there etc. Or even buy her a vape? (I know that's not ideal and I hate them, but lesser of 2 evils etc)

This is an excellent shout. I popped on a patch and carried on smoking as I normally did. I found that the amount of time I went betwen a tab massively increased, number I smoked decreased, until one day, I got to 4pm and realised I'd not smoked that day yet.

Inhalators are also fantastic, and again, I did alongside smoking to help.

Replacing the nicotine is one thing, but the psychological stuff needs to be right and in place too. Too many people see it as "I'm now going to do THIS instead of smoking" and then relapse hard and fast. Doing the new thing alongside it weans you off gradually.